Jealousy

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ailsa-Jayne, May 22, 2012.

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  1. Ailsa-Jayne

    Ailsa-Jayne Member

    Today I went to the funeral of a friend who had hung himself on May 7th.
    He was one of the most beautiful people you could have ever hoped to meet and it was a painful day. But, although painful, I found myself standing around his grave listening to people speak about their love for him watching him being put in the ground and wishing that more than anything, more than wanting my friend back, that I could be in his position.
    I saw first hand the pain people were going through at having lost a son, brother, friend.. But I also so understanding. And now I'm left wondering what it is that is holding me back.
    I have been suffering with some form of mental health problem for many years now and have had many labels put on my problem but people chop and change their minds all the time so I cannot actually give you a name for my problem. I've been treated with anti depressants. Between the ages on 15 and 17 I attempted suicide a few times, obviously unsuccessfully, and now find myself with a clear mind, sure that I want to end my life.
    I'd like to go painlessly and I'm struggling to find the way in which I should go. Once I have found what it is I'll slip away, but in the meantime I find myself in this limbo, feels like every breath I take is laboured and a struggle, I feel I'm just non existent at the moment and I'm struggling with that feeling.
    It feels as though every day is unproductive, I spend my time researching and as of yet haven't found a method for my madness so to speak.
    The longer it takes me the more irrational I am becoming and as much as I want to go out on my own terms, I feel I'm losing control and will just something that's just not me.
    I don't know what I'm looking for on here, maybe some form of validation..
    I'm just struggling and I want everything to stop, everything I do/think is painful and I cant turn it off.
    I want to trade places with someone who's already six feet under.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You saw all the pain around you in the families faces in their hearts You are not thinking rationally to want to suicide that is depression speaking that is irrationally thoughts I hope you take time to find some support to help you heal to make you stronger and stop using time to try find methods to leave don't pass on the pain hun ok stop it get some help for YOU hugs
     
  3. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    I do no thave much I can say other than I would feel the same way. So you are not alone in your feelings on that one.
     
  4. Ailsa-Jayne

    Ailsa-Jayne Member

    I've tried to get help I turn up for every session with my doctors and take my pills but it's getting me no where it's been years and years and nothing has changed sometimes it's worse other times I'm just indifferent but it's has NEVER gotten better today i wanted to be buried it felt like relief when my mind wandered and I saw dirt being thrown on my coffin. I long for it and everyday is just pain until I find what's going to work for me. Im sick of the voices sicknof the pain sick of life like literally sick I hate waking up everyday and its starting to make me vomit. I don't want to take the next breath.
     
  5. Ailsa-Jayne

    Ailsa-Jayne Member

    Forgotten_Man
    Thankyou for saying it as it is. I've felt this way for years it's not just a whim because I went to a friends funeral today. Who the fuck commits suicide on a whim? Hmph.. Irritated now.
    But yeah thankyou for being honest sweets its refreshing.

    Pm me whenever x
     
  6. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    @Ailsa-Jayne: As have I, granted the first couple of months I was suicidal I would have just killed myself on a whim. I am convinced that my only answer is to die. Once my cat dies, I will be alive for a month at most. Just enough time to pack up my stuff and write my suicide notes. Whenever I hear about suicide I become jealous. The fact that I let some stupid bitch convince me to not die on my original planned date haunts me to this day.
     
  7. Sent

    Sent Banned Member

    Mayne common mayne I'm sorry so hard
    I also hate this crap but I'm too scafred to killmyself also whatif I fail and am brain
    Dead?

    Mayne its cool ur girl and live in uk, u guys have hot accents!

    Think of scones, and fish and chips I love those things!
    Idk I wana die to and get deprssed as hell but don't see myself doing suicide
    Been fighting mental illness since 16 I'm 23 now
    No one likes me in this world and ill never have sex
    But living cuz scared to die, and pming total eclipse all my problems
    Sorry its so hard I don't have good social skills so idk what to say and stuff
    But sorry its so hard its not ur fault idk who's it is but things will be ok onday I think
     
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