Today I went to the funeral of a friend who had hung himself on May 7th. He was one of the most beautiful people you could have ever hoped to meet and it was a painful day. But, although painful, I found myself standing around his grave listening to people speak about their love for him watching him being put in the ground and wishing that more than anything, more than wanting my friend back, that I could be in his position. I saw first hand the pain people were going through at having lost a son, brother, friend.. But I also so understanding. And now I'm left wondering what it is that is holding me back. I have been suffering with some form of mental health problem for many years now and have had many labels put on my problem but people chop and change their minds all the time so I cannot actually give you a name for my problem. I've been treated with anti depressants. Between the ages on 15 and 17 I attempted suicide a few times, obviously unsuccessfully, and now find myself with a clear mind, sure that I want to end my life. I'd like to go painlessly and I'm struggling to find the way in which I should go. Once I have found what it is I'll slip away, but in the meantime I find myself in this limbo, feels like every breath I take is laboured and a struggle, I feel I'm just non existent at the moment and I'm struggling with that feeling. It feels as though every day is unproductive, I spend my time researching and as of yet haven't found a method for my madness so to speak. The longer it takes me the more irrational I am becoming and as much as I want to go out on my own terms, I feel I'm losing control and will just something that's just not me. I don't know what I'm looking for on here, maybe some form of validation.. I'm just struggling and I want everything to stop, everything I do/think is painful and I cant turn it off. I want to trade places with someone who's already six feet under.