(I hope this is the right place! There's a post that says that reply-friendly diaries should be placed here but I dont see too many.) 7 31 16 854am I woke up scared to face another day. I did a thought record sheet like my therapist said which just made me cry. CBT is scary. Ive tried practicing it on my own but never got far. Now I have a therapist really pushing for it instead of just meandering aimlessly around other techniques like all my previous therapists have. Are thought record sheets supposed to make you think a lot about dying and how much of a loser you are and how hopeless it all is? I dont think this is good for me. Im scared. Im scared that theres nothing out there to help me. There are plenty of people with physical illnesses who doctors have nothing for. I know the odds are not in my favor. Im so scared. I wish comitting suicide wasnt so difficult to do "safely." The last thing I want is to wake up in the ER with a bunch of overworked, stressed out, underpaid medical professionals hating me and treating me like garbage for wasting their time. I dont know that would happen. Maybe there are some nice and competent medical people out there who wouldnt treat me like that. I want to go to the hospital. Im tired of fighting this. Im still holding out hope (it feels incredibly foolish) that medication can help me and hospitalization is the quickest way to get new meds, Ive found. But Im scared of hospitalization too. It would be my first time in an adult unit, which is horrifying. I could just be putting myself in a worse situation. The things I remember most about hospitalization is everyone constantly faking it to get out sooner since the conditions were so dire and being bored all the time. Im bored all the time here too. But I just can't keep going like this everyday. Something needs to change or else Im going to do something crazy and Ive already started cutting myself again to deal with the boredom and emotions. The next logical step is a suicide attempt. I dont know what to do today. Even if I go for a walk and help with chores and play with the pets like all my therapists have told me to, Im still going to be spending practically all my time in front of my computer doing nothing. Im so scared. Im crying again. It usually takes a little longer every day before I start crying. Im not looking forward to today.