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Jenna's Diary [Replies are welcome]

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by ponkotsu, Jul 31, 2016.

  1. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    (I hope this is the right place! There's a post that says that reply-friendly diaries should be placed here but I dont see too many.)

    7 31 16
    I woke up scared to face another day. I did a thought record sheet like my therapist said which just made me cry. CBT is scary. Ive tried practicing it on my own but never got far. Now I have a therapist really pushing for it instead of just meandering aimlessly around other techniques like all my previous therapists have.

    Are thought record sheets supposed to make you think a lot about dying and how much of a loser you are and how hopeless it all is? I dont think this is good for me. Im scared. Im scared that theres nothing out there to help me. There are plenty of people with physical illnesses who doctors have nothing for. I know the odds are not in my favor. Im so scared.

    I wish comitting suicide wasnt so difficult to do "safely." The last thing I want is to wake up in the ER with a bunch of overworked, stressed out, underpaid medical professionals hating me and treating me like garbage for wasting their time. I dont know that would happen. Maybe there are some nice and competent medical people out there who wouldnt treat me like that.

    I want to go to the hospital. Im tired of fighting this. Im still holding out hope (it feels incredibly foolish) that medication can help me and hospitalization is the quickest way to get new meds, Ive found. But Im scared of hospitalization too. It would be my first time in an adult unit, which is horrifying. I could just be putting myself in a worse situation. The things I remember most about hospitalization is everyone constantly faking it to get out sooner since the conditions were so dire and being bored all the time. Im bored all the time here too. But I just can't keep going like this everyday. Something needs to change or else Im going to do something crazy and Ive already started cutting myself again to deal with the boredom and emotions. The next logical step is a suicide attempt.

    I dont know what to do today. Even if I go for a walk and help with chores and play with the pets like all my therapists have told me to, Im still going to be spending practically all my time in front of my computer doing nothing. Im so scared.

    Im crying again. It usually takes a little longer every day before I start crying. Im not looking forward to today.
  2. Freya

    Freya Loves SF Staff Member ADMIN SF Author

    You are in the right section.

    I am sorry that you feel so overwhelmed and scared. Therapy is tough - if it doesn't hurt and doesn't make you cry then honestly, its just having a nice chat and isn't helping with anything. It is meant to be difficult and scary - that is how you know it is actually addressing things instead of just being a whole load of useless talk.

    Suicide isn't the logical thing - engage with the therapy and keep talking to your doctors. It isn't foolish to hope that medication will help but the thing you need to remember is that meds don't fix your life - YOU fix your life. Meds just balance out your brain so that when you fix your life, you can feel good about it instead of still feeling shitty. If you are expecting meds to "fix it" then you are going to be disappointed every time.

    You are right that something needs to change - so you need to change it. Sitting around the house all day every day would make anyone suicidal. You need to do something with purpose and structure. Get a job would be ideal (for so many people here who thought they could not work, a job is the singular best thing they have found to help with recovery).

    I hope you are able to make some positive changes and things get better for you.

  3. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    Ponkatsu-I think I've reached out to you before, glad to see that you're still staying connected to people via this forum. When you stop connecting-that is when the real problems start. I'm a survivor of the place you're in now-I did it all, the therapy, the drugs, the pets, the dreading of every day of waking life. Therapy made things worse for me not better-in retrospect I know that I didn't tell my therapist the whole truth about many aspects of my life. I didn't tell the truth because I didn't know the whole truth about my life. I'd been making excuses for my strange existence to people for so long-told so many lies to hide the ugly truth, that when someone asked me to start being honest I didn't know how. I hid myself away from life a lot-just like you, because I was ashamed of myself. For decades I lived in complete denial about the reality of my situation-just talking about my feelings (where they come from and how bad they made me feel) scared the hell out of me so I tried to avoid it.

    I hated my life because it hurt so bad but I was also terrified of change-for the first few years journaling was a nightmare for me. Just like you I felt that it only made me feel worse about myself-it pointed out in vivid detail just how hopeless my life was. I look back on that time now and I know that my life was hopeless-as long as I continued to think and behave the same way. My therapist was trying to make me see my life from a different point of view-she wanted me to feel better about my prospects not worse, but my self esteem was so low-I believed that my fate in life was to fail. I'd failed at everything I'd ever tried to do-why would therapy be any different? In other words-my therapist never had a chance with me-her kind words of encouragement frightened me and made me hate myself even more.

    The turning point for me was when I realized that I cared more about what other people thought of me than I did about what I thought about myself. I cared more about the well-being of my dog than I did my own well-being. I was nowhere on my list of priorities in life. My relationship with myself was non-existent-if there was any relationship at all it was one of self-hate and self-loathing. How could I ever get a break in my life if I was one of my enemies? I could hide from the bullies in the world but I could never hide from myself. I knew that if I didn't change my relationship with myself my life was doomed forever-I would never be free. It sounds crazy I know-why would someone treat themselves as badly as a bully would?

    There are many answers to that question that I won't go into-the point is, are you a friend to yourself or an enemy? Do you defend and protect yourself from harm or throw yourself into the flames like a martyr? I encourage you to start thinking about these things when you journal-and eventually become you're own best friend. When you are writing about someone you like and care about (you) the entire process of journaling becomes pleasant and empowering. This is just some advice based on my personal experience-I hope you've found it useful. If not, thank you for reading anyway. Take care of yourself :)
  4. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Hi I am Mox,

    ok you are obviously in a very bad place right now and need help. We will help you the most we can, keep talking to us and we will do our damnest to help. If it helps you my story is listed on the My Story forum "I just want to die" read it and maybe it will help you realize you are not alone in how you are feeling and it may make it easier for you to share your feelings.

    Whats a CBT sheet? If you don't think something is good for you then you should not do it. You are a expert on you and how you feel, no one knows you better than you. Maybe instead you could just do a long journal and let how you are feeling out safely, no one here wants to see you hurt. You are with us now, we will be there for you when you reach out to us.

    I agree going for a walk and playing with your pets would help you feel better , but that is just temporary. I used to feel like waves of depression and self hatred were constantly just washing over me and it was overwhelming, I was very suicidal. I wound up in a mental hospital for a month. Yes it was boring but i reached and found people like me going through similar stuff and talking to them really helped me out. I'm now on 14 medications but so far they seem to be working. If you feel like you should be in a hospital than you should go to one and scream at the top of your lungs " HELP ME!!!!!" Then all you can you do is let them try to help you. Never feel like you are a burden, that is their job to help you. I understand it is scary , but I would prefer you to be someplace scared but safe, than somewhere not scared and not safe.

    I for one would love to hear more about you , and what you are going through. Don't be shy, let it all out, and no you are not pestering us we love helping people it is what we do. I have found helping other people is a form of self therapy for myself.

    Take Care of Yourself, don't be afraid to ask any of us for help
  5. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    Thank you all for your replies.

    8 1 16
    Feeling very empty today. I've already taken a nap today but it's still so early. I know I should do something but the idea makes me want to break down. The last time I went for a walk, I spent the whole time crying over how much I hate my body. Going outside and seeing normal-looking people is so upsetting to me. Changing into outside clothes seems like so much effort right now. All my clothes have rips and tears in them and I have no money to buy more so it's stressful finding something to wear and it makes me go off on a "I'm going to be poor forever, I'm never going to be able to afford the basics, I'm always going to have to rely on other people" thought train.

    I've started sliding as far as how much I take care of my physical appearance. I have no issues leaving the house in dirty clothes with no makeup anymore. My eyebrows are out of control. My hair is always greasy and un-brushed. I thought I had a few more years of looking mildly acceptable but I guess that's another thing my brain is going to take away from me. Sitting in the waiting room at my mental health center, I always notice that a lot of the clientele looks very disheveled and wonder if that's what I was going to look like in my thirties and forties. I hoped that I would somehow keep caring about my appearance indefinitely.

    I'm feeling very overwhelmed. I just want to go back to sleep.
    Thauoy likes this.
  6. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    8 2 16
    I woke up early again today. I have therapy today but it's at 3. Usually I just distract myself until it's time to go but that's going to be a challenge today. I realized the other day that therapy as it is is another way for me to just indulge in negative thoughts and "brag" to a professional about how they can't fix me and I'm hopeless. There are parts of me very determined to be right about myself at any cost. I'm not sure what can be done about this. As soon as I step into a therapist's office, I become a different person.

    I read the words "beautiful woman" incidentally which put me in a bit of a tailspin I'm hoping to recover from because I'm tired of constantly reminding myself how awful I look and how I barely count as female to society because of unfortunate genetics. I get the point. They're the same thoughts over and over. They're not telling me anything new. I get it already. This goes beyond just rubbing it in. I feel closer to accepting my body but it's not as good as I thought it would be. I'm still sad about all the things I'm probably not going to experience because of the arbitrary flesh bag I was stuffed into. Every therapist ever tells me the same thing about trauma too. "You'll never forget about it and it'll always make you sad or angry but you can deal with it otherwise."
  7. lifetalkz

    lifetalkz Well-Known Member

    ponkotsu-You have the potential to go a long way towards recovery. I say this, not as an "expert" who went to school and studied depression but has never been chronically depressed but as a survivor-a person who has been where you are and turned everything around. You are on the right track in so many ways-that is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth. The one thing that you said that got my attention was the line about "wanting to be right about yourself at any cost"-that is a huge accomplishment. Having the ability to stand back and observe your own behavior in that manner is a massive achievement-many people die never having the ability to do that. Trying to be right all of the time and get the last word in to prove that you know more about you than anyone else does is a potentially fatal flaw-congratulations on getting past that delusion and understanding that you're capable of being completely wrong about aspects of your own life.

    The part where I feel that you're going astray (and this is just one persons opinion) is putting too much emphasis on the words and thoughts of the therapists. At the end of the day they don't really know you-they know the parts of yourself that you reveal to them, but often even that is a cat and mouse game. You tell them certain things for personal reasons-to get sympathy or apathy or disdain. Very few people who struggle daily with anxiety and depression can speak honestly to a therapist about their feelings-they can't accurately describe a head full of confusing thoughts and impulses that don't make logical sense, how can you make someone understand something that you don't understand yourself? Therapy isn't a total waste of time-it helps some people a little, but it takes a very long time to make any real progress in that setting.

    I believe that you have many of the tools that are necessary to create change in your life whether you go to therapy or not. You talk to yourself on a consistent basis and that is a major achievement-all that is needed now is for you to give yourself a break and begin to see yourself as a normal human being who deserves dignity and respect. Not a broken, ugly, loser who will never amount to anything-not repulsive or beautiful, bad or good, fundamentally flawed or perfect-just a person who is a little bit of both polarities. One of my biggest discoveries when I was struggling with depression was that I lived in a world of absolutes where people either loved me or hated me, I was either perfect or a piece of crap, my life was either terrible or wonderful, there was no in-between place. I was a black or white person living in a world that is grey.

    I could never get my life to be perfect so I just wanted to end it all and check out. I saw so many happy, beautiful people around me and I knew that I would never be like they were-I would never be lucky like them, I would forever be cursed. But it turned out that I was wrong. Another thing you said at the end of your last post gave me pause-some therapist told you that no matter what you do you will always be sad and angry, but you can learn to live it. That is wrong-I am living proof that that statement is false. I had a terrible upbringing-I was molested and physically beaten by my own father for years, my relationship with my family of origin is terrible to this day, but I do not struggle daily with feelings of anger and sadness. It is possible to move past those painful feelings and live a totally different life. I don't believe that therapist lied to you on purpose-they just don't know what they're talking about because they've never lived it. I have.

    It may seem like you're not getting anywhere with your recovery right now-but I disagree. I think that you are making great progress, you don't realize that because you don't know what to look for. If you ever want to connect with me privately by PM I would love to talk to you about ways that you can continue to make progress. Never give up hope that things can be completely different-I am living proof that they can and I am willing to share many pearls of wisdom with you that helped me greatly on my path. Best wishes to you and good luck!
  8. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply.

    8 2 16

    Therapy was pretty miserable today. I got home and just cried and cried because I'm so scared for my future and see no way to improve it. I rarely ever leave feeling better regardless of the therapist. I don't think therapy is for me but I have no idea where to go next. We talked a lot about volunteering after I move. I looked up volunteer opportunities and found some for a food pantry and thrift store that might be a good fit for me. My worst fear is that it'll be another thing that doesn't help me or there won't be anything for me to do given my limitations. I don't want to volunteer, really. I don't want to do anything but I have to if I ever want to stop wanting to die.

    Just got hit with another wave of overwhelm. I slept all day so I'm going to have trouble falling asleep tonight. Sleeping is all I really look forward to lately.

    I'm really scared again. The thought that keeps on running through my head is "what's going to become of me?" I'm having trouble focusing on anything else. Everyone talks about "little steps" but I can't even manage those and I don't think I can sit around for years feeling miserable waiting for my little steps to add up to something tangible.

    My homework this week:
    1. Journal what good or bad could come out of letting go of "who I think I am." (i.e.: a depressed and traumatized loser)
    2. Look up volunteer opportunities
    3. Get out for a 15 minute walk every other day.

    Really just want to die. No matter how much I pour out my thoughts in writing or cry or scream into my pillow or hurt myself, nothing takes that away. I feel like I never had a chance, that my abusers made all the decisions for me and everything after the fact is just rubbing it in.
  9. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat


    What do you want out of life? What do you want your future to look like? I feel like if the therapist maybe change to a new one?

    What has harmed you to make you this way? It seems like you are reacting to something in your past and it has taken control of your present and your future. Feel free to PM me if that helps you.

    How old are you? You worry about your future a lot, in a perfect world what your future look like? Maybe you should worry more about the present and making the most out of that.

    Take Care
  10. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    My older brother molested me for a number of years and my mother essentially chose to protect him over me. Later on, she thought that my unstable behavior and moods were just an attention-seeking thing and not a reaction to unresolved trauma and total lack of adult guidance. It's left me feeling like damaged goods and that I'm always going to be operating on a fundamentally lesser level compared to people who haven't abused. "Nobody wants a broken toy" and all that.

    I'm turning 22 in a couple of weeks. Not looking forward to it lol.

    8 3 16
    I saw my case manager today and told her about the impending move. I was surprised that she explained the process of finding me a new agency and closing my case very well. We also sorted out my insurance and I finally got my abilify refilled so I'm hoping that'll help my mood.

    I was able to take a walk with the dog today and it wasn't too bad. I found some music on my phone that I forgot I had on there so that helped. I'm concerned about my chores for the upcoming days. People keep reminding me that I have to pack but I don't see the rush since we have two weeks and I have very little outside of clothes and trinkets, which won't take long to pack away. I have to clean the floors and mow the lawn too, which I'm a little worried about. My energy levels have been pretty low lately and simple things overwhelm me. I needed step-by-step instructions to washing dishes the other night. "Clean the floors" is a pretty vague request too so that's stressing me out. If the abilify starts doing its thing, that'd be great. If nothing else, it helps with energy.

    I'm in a decent enough mood so I'm thinking about cooking something and relaxing for the rest of the night. I got some vacuuming done so it's not like I did nothing today.
  11. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Thank you for your honesty , I am sure sharing that was not easy. Do you have any contact with your older brother or your mother? Have any contact with your father?

    So where are you moving too? Who gives you the chores to do?

    I hate to hear that you feel like "damaged goods" because of something awful that happened to you when you were a child. That was totally out of your control. Your mother should be ashamed of herself for not helping you and getting you the proper medical treatment. Do you do yoga or mediate or some other relaxing mental exercise? If not maybe you should look into it.

    Lets pretend I have a magic wand and I can give you one thing about yourself you want, what would you choose?

    You can always PM me if you need too.

    Take care of yourself
  12. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    My mother calls me every few months and we chat for a little bit but it's all very superficial. I don't think she's a full-blown narcissist but she definitely has some narcissistic qualities so I have to be careful. I think the correct term for our relationship would be "low contact." I have zero contact with my brother though. My father died about two years ago. I hadn't seen him since I was 12 and he had drug/alcohol problems that prevented him from being there for me. He was abusive towards my mother and stole from her but was also the only adult in my early childhood who treated me as a parent should so I'm conflicted on how I should view him.

    I have a complicated living situation. I live with my ex (we broke up in January) and his three other girlfriends. He does a one-sided polyamory/open relationship thing where he can have sex with whoever he wants but his partners can only be with him. He's very insecure, I guess. I decided that I'd rather be alone than live in that kind of farce of a relationship so I broke up with him after four years, expecting to have to leave the house. But they're letting me stay because they don't want to see me out on the street with no one to help me. I'm very grateful for that. One of his girlfriends makes most of the money (we're moving to Massachusetts to cut down on her commute) so she and my ex are the ones to give me chores. I don't mind and understand that I need to earn my keep. I just wish I didn't get so overwhelmed by simple tasks a lot.

    More confidence, without a doubt. If I thought I was capable of accomplishing anything, I think life would be a lot easier for me even just on a day-to-day basis. I've gotten decent at deflecting negative thoughts and being able to say "that's just my brain being mentally ill again" but have found that I have nothing to replace those negative thoughts with since I still don't feel very good about myself. Sometimes I try to fake it too. That can help for a bit.

    Thank you for your replies and for taking an interest in my life.
  13. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    I think you are a very interesting person. =)

    When you guys move to Mass. are you going to stay in the house with them? How is that going to work? Are you still having "relations" with him?

    I believe the easiest way to boost your self confidence is to give yourself goals and when you meet your goals (keep them reasonable, not too hard not too easy). Maybe google "self confidence self help" or something like that.

    When you move will your case be started and ready for you? What does your case do for you?

    Take Care of Yourself
  14. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    That is none of my business and I should not have asked you that question. Do you forgive me?

    Take Care and Don't be afraid to reach out to us for help
  15. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    The original goal was to get me into housing before the move but the mental health system here is pretty abysmal so Im going to try again in a state with better benefits and stuff. Im still intimate with him occasionally. I dont enjoy sex but it doesnt bother me that much either. (Dont worry about asking me that question or anything. It's the internet. Boundaries are different)

    That's the hope at least. Next week my case manager and I are going to look at agencies in MA I could go to. Case managers (in my experience at least) are there to handle some of the paperwork and phone calls that come with having a serious illness and help you get out in the community and connected to other resources.


    Ive been feeling pretty stable since I got my meds back. I had a lot of trouble sleeping last night so at least I know theyre doing something if Im getting side effects like that. Suicidal thoughts have all been manageable these past few days. Ex keeps saying this is proof the meds are working but Im pretty sure it was just withdrawal making me crazy and now Im back to my baseline level of depressed.

    I feel like maybe I can keep up this "every other day" walking routine. Even though it's so hot and sticky out, I keep telling myself "it's only a few minutes out here" and it feels more like an inconvenient chore than insurmountable obstacle. Feeling like I can maintain any kind of exercise regimen (if you can call it that) is new.

    I feel really guilty when I feel okay but am not being productive. Theres a lot to do at any moment and before when I was feeling so bad, I could make a legitimate case that my energy and mood were too low, but now Im just being lazy and unmotivated. And yes, I get that's a depression thing but the people around me dont. I got my chores done last week but still felt bad about not cleaning the floors enough. Nobody said anything so Im going to try and tell myself that means I did okay.
  16. nomap

    nomap Active Member

    What your brother did and how your mother handled it was terrible. As for the situation you are in now, does it make sense to move with the group and away from your other resources? Are there shelters in your current area?
  17. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    Hey Me Again =) (Sorry but your stuck with me)

    I am glad that you are feeling better and less suicidal. I agree with your ex that is sign that your medication is working. The way I understand it your depression is back to it's "baseline" level; so that means you can manage it and that is a good thing. One of the worse feelings in the world is when your depression just washes over you like wave after wave and it overwhelms you.

    Do you have any extended family you can lean on for support? (Aunts, Uncles, Cousins)

    So when you get to MA are you going to stay with the group until you find another place to stay? Where are you at now?

    I'm glad you feel like you can take walks every over day, any type of exercise will help you feel better.

    I found this resource called NAMI, http://www.nami.org/ they provide nation wide services for the mentally ill, maybe they will have some resources avialable where your moving too.

    You seem to be doing better , and I am happy to see that. I hate it when a friend is struggling or having a bad day.

    Take Care of Yourself (feel free to PM or IM if you want to chat)
  18. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    Thank you for your reply. I put a lot of thought into staying here and not moving with them. That was my plan for a while. There are shelters I could go into while the housing was being sorted out and I'd still be connected to my current resources. The issues are that my current resources really aren't very good (I'm only able to see a med provider a few times a year at my current agency due to under-staffing among many, many other issues I'd love to rant about but that's off-topic), Massachusetts has better disability, health benefits, and assistance for when I do eventually move out, and my ex practically begged me to go with them. He doesn't want me subjected to the stress of a shelter or living in poverty when I do have somewhere to live with people who care about me, etc. etc. Trust me, living here isn't always easy and I'm not very good at picking up after this many people people/pets but I think it's best.

    Unfortunately, I don't.

    The plan is to stay with them while I get everything sorted out as far as disability and benefits and housing. Everyone involved understands this is a long-term process. I really don't know why these people care about me so much.

    Thank you so much :)
  19. moxman

    moxman The "Perfect Life" YouTube channel is neat

    While your living situation is different than the norm, I think it's great that you do have people that do care about you. People who worry about you and are trying to help you out.

    So when is the big move?
  20. ponkotsu

    ponkotsu Well-Known Member

    We start Monday. We have a little less than a week to get everything to the new house so I'm hoping it won't be too stressful or rushed.

    I wish I could enjoy things like I used to. I remember staying up all night playing video games or reading random wikipedia articles when I was younger and it used to constantly mess with my sleeping schedules but I just don't have the drive to do that anymore. It may just be part of growing up but it certainly feels like a depression thing to look forward to sleeping this much. It's not like I don't have things I could be doing either. The wasted time is what really gets to me. I wouldn't be so upset if I was learning something but almost every effort at teaching myself something has ended in failure and even when I do figure something out, it doesn't give very much satisfaction. I just recently taught myself how to loom knit and I'm already bored and can barely be bothered to do it. On one hand, my brain wants some sort of stimulation but on the other, the cost of entry for that seems too high. This is so difficult. Why do I have to be this person.

    Therapy was difficult as usual today. I'm putting a lot of thought into quitting if this next person I end up seeing has nothing for me as well. I hope I mean that. There's definitely an addiction element since therapy is by far the best way I have of getting attention. I've started trying to look on the bright side of rarely ever being noticed though. It's easier to watch other people when they don't realize you're there. I hope I adjust to the loneliness one day. My brain keeps telling me that "normal" girls don't have to feel this lonely. If things were only a tiny bit different about me, I wouldn't have to feel so alone.

    What's going to happen to me? I'm so scared. My life just feels like this colossal waste of potential and the more I prolong it, the more I prove myself as just another nobody.