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jokes that hopefuly cheer you up

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by YODA1066, Jun 12, 2013.

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  1. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
    “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner.” She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “.”
    “What’s this, Honey?” the husband inquired, as he entered the room.
    “Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too.”
    No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the ‘statue’., “Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith’s for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water.


    One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
    You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”

    ... Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.

    A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio
    announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inch

    es of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
    Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.

    The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.

    Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”

    With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”:)


    A son asked his mother the following question:

    Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

    The mother looks at her son and replies, "Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."
    The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

    "Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

    The father looks at his son in surprise and says, "Son, all household appliances come in white."

    Footnote: The man has not been seen or heard of since, the police investigation is ongoing.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    Thanks :rofl:
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    They are very funny lol thanks for the chuckle hun
  4. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member


    1. Feed him
    2. Sleep with him
    3. Leave him with peace
    ... 4. Don't check his phone (Msgs)
    5. Don't bother him with his
    So whats so hard about that


    It's really not too difficult but.... To make a
    woman happy, a man only needs
    to be:

    1. a friend
    2. a companion
    3. a lover
    4. a brother
    5. a father
    6. a master
    7. a chef
    8. an electrician
    9. a plumber
    10. a mechanic
    11. a carpenter
    12. a decorator
    13. a stylist
    14. a sexologist
    15. a gynecologist
    16. a psychologist
    17. a pest exterminator
    18. a psychiatrist
    19. a healer
    20. a good listener
    21. an organizer
    22. a good father
    23. very clean
    24. sympathetic
    25. athletic
    26. warm
    27. attentive
    28. gallant
    29. intelligent
    30. funny
    31. creative
    32. tender
    33. strong
    34. understanding
    35. tolerant
    36. prudent
    37. ambitious
    38. capable
    39. courageous
    40. determined
    41. true
    42. dependable
    43. passionate

    44. give her compliments
    45. Go shopping with her
    46. be honest
    47. be very rich
    48. not stress her out
    49. not look at other girls
    50. give her lots of attention
    51. give her lots of time,
    especially time for herself
    52. give her lots of space, never
    worrying about where she goes.

    53. never forget
    *arrangements she makes.
  5. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat.

    Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
    “Well it was like this,” said the man. “I was having a quiet game of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.”

    I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough there was my wife’s golf ball…..stuck right in the middle of the cow’s butt. That’s when I made my mistake.

    “What did you do?” asks the doctor.

    “Well I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, “Hey this looks like yours!”:)
  6. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure it out or how to get it started."
    Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
    The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
    Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He studied the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger." He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then............," he sighed, ..... "Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."
  7. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A wife treats hubby by taking him to a Strip Club for his birthday...At The Club, The Doorman Says, "Hi Jim, How are You?"
    The wife asks, "How does he know you?
    Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him."
    Inside the Bartender Says, "The Usual, Jim?"
    Jim says to Wife, "Before you say anything, He's on the Darts Team."
    Next a stripper Says, "Hi Jim! Do You Crave the Special Again??"
    The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her & jumps into a taxi...
    The Taxi driver Says, "Hey Jimmy Boy! You picked up an ugly one this time...."

    Jim's Funeral is on Sunday!!!
  8. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    Dear Tech Support,
    Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance — particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
    In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0, NBA 3.0. And Golf Clubs 4.1.
    Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.5 simply crashes the system. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
    ... What can I do?
    Dear Desperate:
    First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter the command: “http: I Thought You Loved Me.htm” and try to download Tears 6.2 and don’t forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
    If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
    But remember, over use of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background, that will eventually seize control of all your system resources).
    Also, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
    In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 7.7
    Good Luck,
    Tech SupportSee More
  9. lightbeam

    lightbeam Antiquities Friend

  10. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A little boy bursts into his Mom and dads room while they were fighting.

    The dad yelled,”You bitch!” and the Mom screamed,”You bastard!”

    Confused…the little boy asked, “Mommy…Daddy what does that mean???”
    The parents replied, “Umm…ladies and gentleman.” and with that answer the little boy ran off to bed.

    The next night the parents were in their bedroom and were really horny. The dad said, “Nice tits!” and the Mom said, “Nice dick!”

    The little boy burst into their room and asked, “Mommy, Daddy…what does that mean???”

    Stunned, they replied, “Umm….hats and coats.”

    So with that answer, the little boy ran back to his bed.

    The next day was Thanksgiving. All of the relatives were coming over to eat dinner and celebrate at the little boy’s house. The little boy went upstairs and burst into the bathroom. The door flung open, and it hit his dad’s elbow while he was in the middle of shaving himself.

    “Shit!!” yelled the dad.

    “Daddy what does that mean???”

    “Umm…it’s the name of the shaving cream I’m using. Now run along downstairs, and see what your Mom is doing.”

    So with that the little boy did as he was told.

    Meanwhile, his Mom was busy slicing the turkey, and she accidentally put her finger in the wrong place.

    “Fuck!” She screamed.

    The little boy asked,”Mommy what does that mean???”

    “Um …It means I’m cutting the turkey.” Replied the Mom

    DING-DONG…the doorbell rang, and the little boy ran off to answer it.

    He opened up the door and said,

    “Hello all of you bitches and bastards! C’mon in, hang up your tits and dicks. Daddy’s upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and Mommy’s in the kitchen fucking the turkey!”
  11. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    There was this blonde who just got sick and tired of all the blonde jokes she'd hear at the office. So one evening she went home and memorized all the state capitals.

    Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a Dumb Blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement,
    "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do...I memorized all the state capitals."

    One of the guys said "I don't believe you."

    She said, "It's true. Just test me!"

    "Okay. What is the capital of Alaska," he asked?

    "A" she answered
  12. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at
    work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.

    The woman's husband also comes home.

    ... She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in
    there already.
    The little boy says, "Dark in here."
    The man says, "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball."
    Man - "That's nice."
    Boy - "Want to buy it?"
    Man - "No, thanks."
    Boy - "My dad's outside."
    Man - "OK, how much?"
    Boy - "$250"
    In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are
    in the closet together.
    Boy - "Dark in here."
    Man - "Yes, it is."
    Boy - "I have a baseball glove."
    The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
    Boy - "$750"
    Man - "Fine."
    A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go
    outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my
    baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them
    Boy - "$1,000"
    The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like
    that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

    They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the
    confession booth and he closes the door.

    The boy says, "Dark in here."

    The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
  13. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    poor taste but funny :rofll:
  14. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    This guy is sitting in a bar drunk. He asks the bartender, "Where's the bathroom at?" The bartender says, "Go down the hall and make a right."

    Well, all of a sudden, everybody at the bar hears this loud scream coming from the bathroom, and they wonder about what's going on in there. A few minutes go by, and again, everybody at the bar hears another loud scream that came out of the bathroom. This time, the bartender decides to investigate, and he goes into the bathroom to see what the drunk is screaming about.

    He opens the door and asks the drunk, "What's all the screaming about in here? You are scaring all my customers away."
    The drunk whines, "I'm sitting on the toilet and every time I go to flush it, something comes up and squeezes the heck out of my gonads!"

    With that, the bartender looks in and says, "No wonder! You're sitting on a mop bucket, you idiot!!"
  15. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

    Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-95.

    Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
    Americans: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

    Canadians: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

    Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

    Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.


    Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your call.
  16. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A man settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever between them in the middle seat.

    The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.
    ... The second man explained that he was from the Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a ‘sniffing dog’. ‘His name is Sniffer and he’s the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.’

    The plane took off and, once it had leveled out, the Policeman said ‘Watch this.’
    He told Sniffer to ‘search’.
    Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the policeman’s arm.
    The Policeman said ‘Good boy’ and he turned to the man and said ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.

    ‘Gee, that’s pretty good,’ replied the first man.

    Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
    The dog sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to its seat and this time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
    The Policeman said, ‘That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.’

    ‘I like it!’ said his seat mate.

    The Policeman then told Sniffer to ‘search’ again.
    Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to sh*t all over the place.

    The first man was really disgusted by this behavior and couldn’t figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asked the Policeman, ‘What’s going on ?’

    The Policeman nervously replied, ‘He just found a bomb
  17. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A man goes to a restaurant and orders a chicken dish. By the time the food is ready and he is about to eat, the waiter comes back and says, "Sir, I'm afraid there has been a mistake. You see, that police officer who is sitting at the next table is a regular customer of ours and he usually orders the same dish. The problem is, this is the last chicken in the house. I'm afraid I'll have to take this dish to him and arrange for another dish for you!"

    The guy gets really upset and refuses to give up his food. The waiter walks over to the other table and explains the situation to the officer. A few minutes later the officer walks over to the man's table and says, "Listen and listen good. That is MY chicken you are about to eat and I'll warn you, whatever you do to that chicken I'll do the same to you. You pull out one of its legs, I'll pull out one of yours. You break one of its wings, I'll break one of your arms!"

    The man calmly looks at the chicken, then sticks his middle finger in the bird's rectum, pulls it out and licks it. He then gets up, drops his pants, bends over and says, "Go ahead!"


    A Kiwi and an Australian go to a pastry shop.

    The Kiwi whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.
    The Kiwi says to the Australian: You see how clever we are? You’ll never beat that!

    The Australian says to the Kiwi: Watch this, an Australian is always more clever than a Kiwi.

    He says to the baker, give me a cookie, I can show you a magic trick!

    The baker gives him the cookie which the Australian promptly eats. Then he says to the baker:

    Give me another cookie for my magic trick. The baker is getting suspicious but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.

    Then he says again: Give me one more cookie... The baker is getting angry now but gives him one anyway.

    The Australian eats this one too.

    Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: And where is your famous magic trick?

    The Australian says: Now, take a look in the Kiwi' s pocket!!


    A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding, and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable.

    Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.

    The farmer said, "Having some problems with them there circle flies, are ya?"
    The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said-"Well yeah, if that's what they are --- I never heard of circle flies. "

    So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

    The trooper says, "Oh, " and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey . . . wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horses ass? "

    The farmer says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horses ass."

    The trooper says, "Well, that's a good thing, " and goes back to writing the ticket.

    Then, after a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies thoughSee More
  18. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    lol at some of these!

    that first 1 about that state capitals.. i saw that coming- and the flies one is good too

    oh and the one about the sniffer dog made me laugh- i'm going to tell that to someone later
  19. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A married couple went to the hospital
    to have their baby delivered.
    Upon their arrival, the doctor said he
    had invented a new machine that
    would transfer a portion of the mothers
    ... pain to the baby's father. He asked if
    they were willing to try it out. they
    were both very much in favor of it.
    The doctor set the pain transfer to
    10%, for starters, explaining that even
    10% was probably more pain the father
    had ever experienced before. However,
    as the labor progressed, the husband
    felt fine and asked the doctor to go
    ahead and "kick it up a notch."
    The doctor then adjusted the machine
    to 20% pain transfer. The husband still
    feeling fine. The doctor checked the
    husbands blood pressure and was
    amazed at how well he was doing at
    this point, they decided to try for 50%.
    the husband continued to feel quite
    Since the pain transfer was obviously
    helping out the wife considerably, the
    husband encouraged the doctor to
    transfer ALL the pain to him.
    The wife delivered a healthy baby boy
    with virtually no pain. She and her
    husband were ecstatic. When they got
    home, the mail man was dead on the
  20. Lost

    Lost Staff Alumni

    Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
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