Discussion in 'The Gameroom' started by YODA1066, Apr 20, 2013.

Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.
  1. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    I hve no idea if there is anouther thread for jokes i couldnt find one so started one enjoy and REMEBER these are just JOKES


    A little girl asked her mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

    Mom replies, "No because she is in heat."

    "What's that mean?" asked the child.

    "Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

    The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat and to come to you."

    Dad said, "Bring Belle over here." He took a rag, soaked it with petrol and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "I've heard that's supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."

    The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.

    Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

    The little girl said, "She ran out of petrol about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.":)
  2. Witty_Sarcasm

    Witty_Sarcasm Writer, Musician, Fun Lover, Magic Maker

    Haha that's a good one, thanks for sharing :biggrin1: If I can find any good ones, I'll be sure to post them.
  3. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A lady walks into a Lexus dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it.
    As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her.
    Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now.

    As she turns back, there standing next to her, is a salesman.

    "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

    Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

    He answers, "Madame, if you farted just touching it, you are going to shit when you hear the price.
  4. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and stumbles back and forth on the sidewalk.

    A cop on the beat sees him and approaches.

    "Can I help you?"

    "Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.

    The cop asks- "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"

    "It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.

    About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's cock hanging out of his fly for all the world to see.

    He asks the man, "Sir are you aware that you are
    exposing yourself?"

    Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out.....

    I'll be damned - My girlfriend's gone, too!!:)
  5. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A bus load of politicians were driving down a country road one afternoon, when all of a sudden, the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field.

    Seeing what happened, the old farmer went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the politicians.

    A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

    The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them politicians lie
  6. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him.

    One day, he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, "She'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

    Shortly after that they were married.

    A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him.

    Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving, had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. By the time he arrived home, he felt reasonably safe.

    His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!"

    She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek.

    At this point, he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as his wife was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and away she went to answer the phone. While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but as stinky as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him.

    He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and RRIIIPPPP! It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. He got another urge. This was a real blue ribbon winner-the windows shook, the dishes on the table rattled, and a minute later, the flowers on the table were dead.

    While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next 10 minutes, farting and fanning each time with his napkin. When he heard the phone farewells, he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in.

    Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner table. After assuring her he had not peeked, she removed the blindfold and yelled, "SURPRISE!"

    To his shock and horror, there were 12 dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party
  7. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    The Madam opened the brothel door to see a frail, elderly gentleman.

    "Can I help you?" the madam asked.

    "I want Natalie," the old man replied.
    "Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps someone else..."

    "No, I must see Natalie."

    Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charged $1,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, whereupon the man calmly left.

    The next night he appeared again demanding to see Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no was still $1,000 a visit. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and an hour later, he left.

    When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: "No one has ever used my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

    The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia."

    "Really?" replied Natalie. "I have family who lives there."

    "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died, and I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give this $3,000 to you."

    Some things in life are certain: taxes, death and being screwed by an attorney.
  8. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked,

    "What's your hurry?"
    To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

    "Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

    "I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

    The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher?
    And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

    "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."

    "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?" he asked.

    "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

    Traffic Ticket $95.00
    Court Costs. $45.00
    The Look on Cop's Face PRICELESS:)
  9. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    There was a virgin that was going out on a date for the
    first time and
    she told her grandmother about it.
    Her grandmother says, "Sit here and let me tell you about
    those young
    ... boys. "He is going to try to kiss you; you are going to like
    that, but
    don't let him do that."
    She continued, "He is going to try to feel your breast; you
    are going
    to like that, but don't let him do that. He is going to try to
    put his
    hand between your legs; you are going to like that, but
    don't let him
    do that.
    Then the grandmother said, "But, most importantly, he is
    going to try
    to get on top of you and have his way with you. You are
    going to like
    that, but don't let him do that. It will disgrace the family."
    With that bit of advice in mind, the granddaughter went on
    her date
    and could not wait to tell her grandmother about it.
    The next day she told her grandmother that her date went
    just as the
    old lady said.
    She said, "Grandmother, I didn't let him disgrace the
    family. When he
    tried, I turned him over, got on top of him and disgraced
    his family."
  10. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    2 elderly women are sitting on a park bench talking about the upcoming flower show

    woman 1: i bet you, i can walk naked through the flower show, come back out, and not be noticed

    woman 2: go on then, i'll be waiting on the bemch out here

    10 minits later the first old woman is stunned to see the other woman come out of the show, with lots of screaming people behind her waving flags and shouting " congratulations!"

    the first woman says- what happened?

    second woman: i won a prize. i won!

    first woman: well... what did you win?

    second woman: i won the prize for the best dried arangement!
  11. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    3 addicts, an alcaholic, a smoker, and a gay guy have just finished in the doctors office.

    he made it clear to them.. if either of you partake in your habbit 1 last time, you will die

    so they are walking down the road and spot a bar.

    the alcaholic can't resist, and heads in for a drink- despite the others warning him not to

    they head in after him just to see what happens, and sure enough... as soon aas alcahol touches the man's lips, he falls over dead

    the other 2 guys, stunned by the seriousness of what the doctor says, leave

    so they continue walking down the road and they notice a but on the floor

    the smoker turns to the gay guy and says:

    if you lean over to pick that up, we're both dead
  12. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    a lady calls up the hospital, and the following conversation takes place:

    operator: hello, can i help you?

    lady: yes, i'd like to ask how hellen in room 304 is doing

    operator: please hold while i transfer you

    *long pause with annoying music and adverts*

    doctor: hello, can i help you?

    lady: yes, i'd like to check how hellen is doing in room 304, but i did say that all ready.

    doctor: hang on, let me check her records

    *sounds of shuffling and random background sounds*

    doctor: okay, here we go.... ah... hellen's doing great!. she's off the heart monnitor, eaten 2 full meals, and if all goes well, she'll be out tomorrow!

    lady: oooo, what a relief!. thanks for the update

    doctor: you sound happy with the news, i guess you must be a member of her family or a really close friend?

    lady: no, i'm hellen in room 304. no one here tells me anything!
  13. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    little johny is sitting in class, while the teacher is asking the children what they did over the summer holidays

    teacher: so victoria, what did you do over the holidays?

    victoria: my mummy took me on a choo choo train... choo choo choo chooo!

    teacher: no, victoria, your mom took you for a trip on a train. why don't you use the grown up words?

    so the teacher looks around for another student and finally picks on billl

    teacher: billy, what did you do over the holidays?

    billy: i went to see my nana

    teacher: billy, you went to see your grandmother do use the grownup words

    so the teacher looks around some more, and decides to pick on little johny. she does not like to pick on him because he can be fairly rude

    teacher: so little johny, what did you do over the holidays?

    johny: i read a book

    the teacher is impressed, and is starting to think that johny is actually growing up

    teacher: what book did you read little johny?

    johny stands up in front of the whole class and says,

    winnie the shit!
  14. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    a man was struggling to choose who to marry out of 3 possible women.

    so: to solve his problem, he gave each of them £1000 and decided he'd watch what each of them would do with the money.

    the first one had a total makeover, so she was made pretty for the manthe man says to her, that's nice.. really nice

    the second woman spent all her money on gifts for the man- and when she presented them to him she said, i spent all my money on you because i love you so much.. i really do!

    guy says, well.. that's really nice too- thank you.

    the third woman invested hers several times, and came back at the end of a few months to tell him that she wants to invest in their future together.. get the best from life

    again, the man is pleased and thanks her.

    he thinkss about it all for a while

    which woman did he end up marrying?

    the 1 with the biggest tits!
  15. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    a police officer stops a texas cowboy on his horse and aproaches him..

    police officer: hey, do you realise you're naked?. you're riding through the town on your horse with nothing on- what the hell happened!

    cowboy: well, i'd just got home and my wife was upstairs so i went up to join her. she told me, cowboy, take off your boots- so that is what i did. then she said.. take off your shirt, so i did that too. then she says, cowboy.. take off your shorts. so i did that too. then she said, cowboy..... go to town!. so here i am, in the centre of the town on my horse..
  16. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    paddy decided to go fishing for the weekend, so he asks his friend murphy if he could take over the doctors surgery for him until he gets back from the trip

    murphy agreed, and paddy went off on his trip

    on his return, paddy goes up to murphy and says- so murphy, how many patients did you look after?

    murphy: i took care of 3

    paddy: cool!. why don't you tell me about it?

    mmurphy: my first patient had a head ache so i gave him some assprin

    paddy: good, and the next one?

    murphy: the second one had an ear infection, so i gave him some ear drops

    paddy: awsome!. and the third one?

    murphy: well, this beautiful woman walked in to my surgery, stripped off, laid on the bed and gasped... i've never seen a man before

    paddy: oh murphy!. what on earth did you do?

    murphy: i gave her some eye drops..
  17. emily83

    emily83 Well-Known Member

    last for now (and i'll post more later)

    a family decided to take their young daughter to disney world in florida

    as soon as they arived, the young girl headed straight for space mountain and rode it 3 times in a row- totally enjoying it everytime

    the next year, they decided to go back for another trip

    like last year, the girl headed straight for space mountain, but then stopped looking up at the sign

    girl: daddy, i'm not sure i want to ride space mountain this year!

    dad: but why not?. you loved it last year.. you did it 3 times

    girl: because i can read now, daddy!. the sign says it's a fast ride- and i might get scared
  18. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    I recall my first time with a condom. I was 14. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Parchen's pharmacy. In those days it took a lot of guts to go in a store and ask for that kind of item because everyone in town knew me and there was no doubt the young lady (I think her name was Nola) knew what they were for.

    She was working as an assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

    I honestly answered, 'No, not really.'
    So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure

    I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it were empty. It was. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?' She asked.

    Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my mouth open and nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

    So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful that, unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

    She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked. I said, 'sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

    Then she beat the shit out of me....

    Women have always been hard for me to figure out
  19. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A dentist noticed that his next patient, an elderly lady, was looking very nervous so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.

    “Do you know how they make these gloves?” he asked. “No, I don’t” she replied.

    Well,” he spoofed, “there’s a building in China with a big tank of latex and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.”
    She didn’t crack a smile. “Oh, well. I tried.” – he thought.

    Five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the dental procedure, she burst out laughing.

    “What’s so funny?” he asked. “I was just picturing how condoms are made!” – she said.
  20. YODA1066

    YODA1066 Well-Known Member

    A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She reduced altitude and spotted a man below.

    She descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

    The man below replied "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."
    "You must be an engineer," said the balloonist. "I am", replied the man.

    "How did you know?"

    "Well, answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip even more."

    The man below responded, "You must be in management."

    "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

    "Well," said the man, "You don't know where you are or where you're going.You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems?!!"
Thread Status:
Not open for further replies.