Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Joshuwah, Apr 19, 2008.

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  1. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

    After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. "Well, sister, this looks pretty grim."

    "I know, father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two."

    "I agree," says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?"

    "Anything, Father."

    "I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours."

    "Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm."

    The nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

    "Sister, would you mind if I touched them?" She consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

    "Father, could I ask something of you?"

    "Yes, Sister?"

    "I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?"

    "I suppose that would be OK," the Priest replied lifting his robe.

    "Oh Father, may I touch it?"

    The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

    "Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can give life."

    "Is that true Father?"

    "Yes, it is, Sister."

    "Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!"
  2. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    women decide to play golf


    Some Women Decide to Play Golf
    A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

    The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

    "Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

    But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

    To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
  3. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    The talking clock

    Proudly showing off her newly leased downtown apartment to a couple of friends late one night, a fairly drunk female yuppie led the way
    to her bedroom where there was a big brass gong hanging on the wall.

    'What's that big brass gong for?' one of the friends asked.

    'Issss nod a gong. Issss a talking clock' she replied.

    'A talking clock - seriously?'

    'Yup' '(hic).'

    'How's it work?' the second friend asked, squinting at it.

    'Just watssch' she said.

    She picked up a hammer, gave the gong an 'ear-shattering bash’ and stepped back. Her mates stood looking at one another for
    a moment in astounded silence.

    Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed 'For f*#k's sake you stupid b * t c h, it's ten past three in the f*#king
  4. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Cowboy Boots.


    An elderly couple, Margaret and Jack, are in California on holidays.
    Jack always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
    He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything
    different about me?"
    Margaret looks him over, "Nope".
    Frustrated, Jack storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks
    back into the room completely naked except for the boots.
    Again he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"
    Margaret looks up and says, "Jack, what's different?
    It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
    Furious, Jack yells,
    "Nope", she replies.
    Margaret replies... "Shoulda bought a hat, Jack, Shoulda bought a hat."
  5. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

    George had married a woman from England, and bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

    Jimmie had married a woman from Scotland. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

    The third
    man had married a Welsh girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house clean, the dishes washed, the laundry and ironing done twice a week, the lawns mowed, the windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

    God Bless Welsh Women!
  6. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of
    Stella and sticks them into the trolley.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on offer, only
    £10 for 24 cans', he says

    'Put them back. We can't afford it,' says the wife and they carry on

    A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it
    into the trolley.

    'What do you think you're doing?' asks the man. 'It's my face cream. It
    makes me look beautiful,' she says.

    The man replies... 'SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE F**KING PRICE !"
  7. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    While the cats away.
    A woman is in bed with her lover, who also happens to be her husband's best friend.
    They make love for hours and, afterwards, while they're just lying there, the phone rings. Since it is the woman's house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:

    "Hello? Oh, hi.... I'm so glad that you called.... Really? That's wonderful.... Well, I'm happy to hear you're having such a great time.... Oh, that sounds terrific.... Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."

    She hangs up the telephone and her lover asks, "Who was that?"

    "Oh" she replies, "That was my husband telling me all about the wonderful time he's having on his fishing trip with you."
  8. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    A woman was about to go into labour at home.
    Her husband called the paramedics.

    Due to a power outage, only one paramedic
    responded to the call.

    The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen,
    a 3-yr old girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
    see while he delivered the baby.

    Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked. Heidi
    pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor
    was born.

    The paramedic lifted him by his little
    feet and spanked him on his bottom.

    The Baby began to cry.

    The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her
    help and asked the wide-eyed 3-yr old what she
    thought about what she had just witnessed.

    Kathleen quickly responded,

    'He shouldn't have crawled in
    there in the first place......spank him again!'
  9. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    A old farmer built a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely with
    picnic tables, a barbecue pit, horseshoe courts, and some apple
    and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for
    swimming when it was built.
    One evening, the old guy decided to go down to the pond and look
    it over. He hadn't been there for a while. He grabbed a five
    gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.
    As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with
    glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women
    skinny dipping in his pond. As he approached, he made the women
    aware of his presence and said do you know this is private land and
    your all trespassing and i want you to leave now or i will call the police.
    At once, they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave."
    The old man frowned, "I did not come down here to watch you young
    ladies swim naked, or to watch you getting out of the pond naked."
    Holding up the bucket, he said, "I'm only here to feed the alligator."
  10. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and
    she asked the question, "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of
    your body goes first?"

    Suzy raised her hand and said, "I think it's your hands."

    Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?"

    Suzy replied, "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in
    front of you and God just takes your hands first."

    "What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

    Little Johnny raised his hand and said, "Sister, I think it's your

    The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face.

    "Now, Little Johnny, why do you think it would be your legs?"

    Little Johnny said, "Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the
    other night. Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was saying, "Oh God,I'm

    If Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her."

    The nun fainted.
  11. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    This little boy and his grandfather are fishing. Grandad pulls out a
    beer and the little boy says "Grandpa, can I have one of those?"

    Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
    which the little boy responds "No."

    "Then you can't have one."

    A while later, the grandad pulls out a cigar and the boy asks, "Can I
    have on of those?"

    Grandpa says "Is your penis big enough to touch your asshole?" to
    which the little boy responds "No."

    "Then you can't have one."

    Later on, Grandpa and Grandson go to the grocery store for food and
    each buy a lottery ticket. Grandpa is unlucky, but the little boy says
    "I just won $50,000"

    Grandpa says, "Great, your going to split that with me, right?"

    The little boy asks, "Grandpa, is your penis long enough to touch your

    "Yes," Says grandpa.

    "Then go f**k yourself"
  12. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Harley Davidson
    Harley Davidson died and went to heaven and was boasting to god how he'd created the best motor bike in the world.

    God disagreed, saying BMW's were a better designed bike.

    Harley said what would you know about design, you created women, and look at all the problem we have with them.

    Ahem! says God ------- I think you'll find a lot more men are riding my creation than yours.
  13. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Tommy is a young boy, just potty trained. When he goes to the bathroom though, Tommy manages to hit everything but the toilet. So his mum has to go in and clean up after him. After two weeks, she has had enough, and takes Tommy to the doctor.

    After the examination, the doctor said, "His unit is too small. An old wives' tale is to give him two slices of toast each morning, and his unit will grow so he can hold it and aim straight."

    The next morning Tommy jumped out of bed and ran downstairs to the kitchen. There on the table, are twelve slices of toast.

    "Mum!" Tommy yells. "The doctor said I only had to eat two slices of toast."

    "I know." said his mother. "The other ten are for your father."
  14. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    >> A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist's office.The
    >> doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?The man says, 'Will you watch us have
    >> sexual intercourse?'The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed
    >> that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he
    >> agrees.When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely
    >> nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.' He thanks them for
    >> coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
    > The next week, however, the couple return and ask the sex therapist to
    > watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This happens
    > several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse
    > with no problems, pays the doctor,then leaves.
    > Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry,
    > but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
    > The old man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married
    > and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house..
    > Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50, and
    > I get £43 back from Bupa.'
  15. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

    These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench having a quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened his trench coat.

    Gertrude immediately had a stroke.
    Then Maude also had a stroke.
    But Tillie, being older and more feeble,
    couldn't reach that far . . .
  16. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Hehe ^_^
  17. These are grrreat!!! :biggrin:
    Never heard any of them before
    (being a ham, always looking for new material!!):wink:
  18. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Hehe was waiting for you to find them ^_^
  19. Well thanks for thinkin' of me! :wink:

    (you do know of course that you're "enabling my addiction"!)

    I will be stealing these shortly! :biggrin:
  20. Joshuwah

    Joshuwah Well-Known Member

    Patch adams. Thats all I'm gonna say.

    Plus that up there ^^^^^^

    ^^^^^^ And that.

    Oh fuck ^_^
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