Jokes

Discussion in 'The Coffee House' started by Tobes, Apr 17, 2010.

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  1. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    How can we not have a joke thread?

    It's simple, post a good joke. That's it.

    I'll start.

    After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
    The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
    The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.
    The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.
    The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
    The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 17, 2010
  2. Acy

    Acy Mama Bear - TLC, Common Sense Staff Member Safety & Support

    *giggles and belly laugh* :laugh:
     
  3. Tomas

    Tomas Well-Known Member

    Can we tell rude jokes?
     
  4. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I'm sure we have a thread somewhere, haven't seen it in months.

    I'm sure there are rude jokes on it lol, can't remember though.
     
  5. ~Claire

    ~Claire Well-Known Member

    I knew we had one somewhere.

    Joke Thread

    It's a good distraction for those long nights/days :smile:.
     
  6. Tomas

    Tomas Well-Known Member

    What's the difference between a priest and a woman in the bath?




    The priest has a soul full of hope, and the woman has...
     
  7. xan

    xan Chat Buddy

    Hahaha XP awesome
     
  8. chrs75

    chrs75 Well-Known Member

    These aren't mine I copied them from the jokes section but I thought they were funny: -


    Funny English Signs Around the World


    In a Tokyo Hotel:
    Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

    In a Bucharest hotel lobby:
    The lift is being fixed for the next day. During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

    In a Leipzig elevator:
    Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

    In a Paris hotel elevator:
    Please leave your values at the front desk.

    In a hotel in Athens:
    Visitors are expected to complain at the office between the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

    In a Japanese hotel:
    You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

    In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:
    You are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

    In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:
    Not to perambulate the corridors in the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

    On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:
    Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

    On the menu of a Polish hotel:
    Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beet soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

    Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:
    Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

    In a Bangkok dry cleaner's:
    Drop your trousers here for best results.

    Outside a Paris dress shop:
    Dresses for street walking.

    In a Zurich hotel:
    Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.

    In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
    Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.

    In a Rome laundry:
    Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

    In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:
    Take one of our horse-driven city tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

    Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:
    Would you like to ride on your own ass?

    In a Swiss mountain inn:
    Special today -- no ice cream.

    In a Bangkok temple:
    It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed as a man.

    In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
    We take your bags and send them in all directions.

    On the door of a Moscow hotel room:
    If this is your first visit to the USSR, you are welcome to it.

    In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:
    Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

    In the office of a Roman doctor:
    Specialist in women and other diseases.

    In an Acapulco hotel:
    The manager has personally passed all the water served here.

    In a Tokyo shop:
    Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.

    From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:
    Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.


    From a brochure of a car rental firm in Tokyo:
    When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.


    Two signs from a Majorcan shop entrance:
    English well talking.
    Here speeching American
     
  9. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    What is the volume of a cylindric pizza with the radius z and the height a?
     
  10. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    Hahahahahaha.... Omg
     
  11. Tobes

    Tobes Well-Known Member

    The 12 Days of Christmas


    December 14, 1972

    My dearest darling John:

    Who ever in the whole world would dream of getting a real Partridge in a Pear Tree? How can I ever express my pleasure. Thank you a hundred times for thinking of me this way.

    My love always, Agnes

    December 15, 1972

    Dearest John:

    Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine two turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just adorable.

    All my love, Agnes

    December 16, 1972

    Dear John:

    Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one. Now I must protest. I don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are just darling but I must insist, you've been too kind.

    All my love, Agnes

    December 17, 1972

    Dear John:

    Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really, they are beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough. You are being too romantic.

    Affectionately, Agnes

    December 18, 1972

    Dearest John:

    What a surprise. Today the postman delivered five golden rings, one for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, all those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

    All my love, Agnes

    December 19, 1972

    Dear John:

    When I opened the door today there were actually six geese laying on my front steps. So you're back to the birds again huh? These geese are huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep through the racket. Please stop.

    Cordially, Agnes

    December 20, 1972

    John:

    What's with you and those freaking birds?? Seven swans a swimming. What kind of damn joke is this? There's bird poop all over the house and they never stop the racket. I can't sleep at night and I'm a nervous wreck. It's not funny. So stop those freaking birds.

    Sincerely, Agnes

    December 21, 1972

    O.K. Buster:

    I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids a milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a milking, but they had to bring their damn cows. There is manure all over the lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smartass.

    Agnes

    December 22, 1972

    Hey Shithead:

    What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those maids since they got here yesterday morning. The cows are getting upset and they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am I going to do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

    You'll get yours! Agnes

    December 23, 1972

    You rotten prick:

    Now there's ten ladies dancing. I don't know why I call those sluts ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long. Now the cows can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the building shouldn't be condemned.

    I'm calling the police on you! Agnes

    December 24, 1972

    Listen Fuckhead:

    What's with those eleven lords a leaping on those maids and ladies? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through the maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All twenty-three of the birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope you're satisfied, you rotten vicious swine.

    Your sworn enemy, Agnes

    December 25, 1972

    Dear Sir:

    This is to acknowledge your latest gift of twelve fiddlers fiddling which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein. The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have been instructed to shoot you on sight. With this letter please find attached a warrant for your arrest.

    Cordially, Law Offices of Badger, Bender and Chole
     
  12. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    V=h*A
    V=a*A
    A=r^2*π
    A=z^2*π
    V=a*z^2*π

    V=a*z^2*π ANSWER

    Wrong thread?..
     
  13. Little_me

    Little_me Well-Known Member

    3.14= pi
    Radius^2=zz
    height a
    =pizza

    a lame joke in a textbook :D
     
  14. aoeu

    aoeu Well-Known Member

    Haha, I know, I saw it immediately and decided to derail it as thoroughly as possible XD
     
  15. Tomas

    Tomas Well-Known Member

    I was walking in a cemetery this morning and seen a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said "morning."

    He replied, "No, just having a crap."
     
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