Journal Entry

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by kidB, Oct 29, 2008.

  1. kidB

    kidB Active Member

    Wrote this up tonight. Sad to say I'm not feeling a whole lot better, but fuck it.

    I'm kind of getting sick of my fellow man, in general. Human beings are very selfish. There are few nowadays that I can stand to be around for long without getting sick of them.

    I'm depressed as fuck. I got home tonight and just started bawling in my car for no reason. Part of me keeps trying to convince me that it's her fault, but I know it's really not. I know how she is by now. This kind of thing just happens. She pisses me off, I don't confront her about it, and then it passes. That's that. No, this is about me.

    There's no reason I should be completely depressed and miserable when she's not around, but that's how it happens, every time. There's something missing underneath and something awry upstairs. I can't deal with people anymore. They just frustrate me to no end. I'm in college as a business major. When I'm finished, I should put on a fucking suit and tie and go talk to some older guy in a suit and tie about something I have absolutely zero interest in.

    True, on the positive side, I have found somethings that interest me. Marketing for example. I can do that. Some people would probably argue this but hell, I think it's one of the least people oriented areas of business. Of course there are surveys and focus groups, but that involves being analytical; I hear a person's opinions about things rather than deal with people's god damned problems. Ever since I've entered this class I'm beginning to look at the modern world in an entirely different way. I can no longer look at a television ad, a box of cereal, a video game cover, or a restaurant sign, without thinking - why did they do that? It fascinates me, it's this deep realm of getting beneath people's skin replacing their basic functioning vital organs with things you make them believe they can't live without. It's your product, and this is why they need it. This is how it will improve their lives. If not product wise, than I'd even reference the bullshit Exxon-Mobil commercials I've recently been seeing on tv, in which they show their supposed employees talking about how the massive multi billion dollar oil giant is a living, breathing, people friendly thing that is socially responsible.

    Sorry, started rambling there at the end...the point is, there is an area of business that IS me afterall. This is it. The only problem is my fears. There's something terrifying about putting on a suit and tie. I feel like people immediately expect something of me when I'm dressed up, and I might not be able to deliver on it. I guess that's my biggest fear of the giant business universe - the fear of failure.

    Then on the flip side of business, the liberal arts side, that is, are my German studies. I have to be honest, German does not light the fire inside me it used to. I enjoy it, don't get me wrong. It makes me feel confident to know I can communicate in another language, and I feel like I know more about the world than a lot of my peers both because I've been to Germany and I've studied the country's culture and history. Whenever I get that feeling that I'm just a jack of all trades and master of none, German is my fallback. I'm not a master, necessarily, but I feel like the skills and knowledge I have in that area could be developed into an expertise.

    So here we have it now, two different things that I could easily tie together and find a career in. Hurray for 'success.'

    But there's still the fear holding me back. I honestly feel like the best thing I can do is just to get up and leave and go do me things. I want to just up and go. I want to start by going across the country. God only knows what I would do when I got across it, but the hell with it folks. There's too much to see to worry about that.

    That's what the inner me wants.

    The real me is bound by dependencies, and what are ultimately derived from those dependencies...fears. First off, I'm dependent on a girl. When she's gone out of my life I feel like I'm going to have a nervous break down. That's the biggest dependency I've developed over slightly less than a year. If I just take off, she wouldn't come with me, and I know that, so here then come the sub-fears: will she end up being with someone I know, well she be there when I get back, will I ever find someone else. Annoying, right? Yes.

    Moving on, I'm dependent on technology. I'm dependent on this very thing I'm using right now. I'm a product of my environment. When I can't have the one thing from which I derive my emotional stability, I go to the next best fall backs, my laptop, and my television. They are my escapes from reality. When I'm knee deep in some stupid computer game, a movie, or a tv show, nothing else matters. It's a distraction if you will.

    Lastly and most certainly least-ly, I am slightly dependent on the environment in which I have grown up in and lived my entire life. Not Lititz. I'm talking about the suburban life, and the Pennsylvania scenery. I'm used to the way people are here. I depend on that, because I have trouble handling people acting other ways.

    So now I've laid it all out before me. I have something that are good for me, then I have my fears.

    (EDITED OUT: I was wrong about this: And I'm happy to read that the amount of each strike an equal balance. That's a start. My fears, at this exact moment, do not outweigh my ambitions, so I'm not suffering from anxiety(again, at this exact moment.) I still have fears, so I'm not suffering from narcissism or an inflated ego...that's good. I have ambitions, so I'm not a total waste of life.)

    My fears do indeed outweigh my ambitions. They are holding me back from knowing what I really need. Also, I said it myself - without a certain girl, I feel like I could have a nervous breakdown.

    So yeah, I'm depressed, is what it all boils down to. I'm ridiculously sad right now. I feel like I'm the lone consciousness drifting through space and time. Everyone else is just doing business as normal, but I feel I'm the only one out here, looking at it from perspective, that it's all just history repeating itself. Man evolved too much for his own good. I would so much rather be a wild animal right now, ignorant of myself, and the concept of self, entirely. I'd like to be a fucking duck. Honestly, have you ever just stopped and watched ducks hang out in the springtime? I mean they have got it easy. You just go quack at people til they give you food, then you can go sit down and quack, and then go swimming, and then take a fucking nap. Actually, you can swim and nap at the same time if you really want to.

    So maybe that will be my escape from now on. Whenever I get sad and depressed, and have nowhere to go but the void of the internet to vent my woes, I will just become a duck.

    I'm a duck. The end