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joy...giddiness...and peace, oh my!

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Ipse_Dixit, Mar 14, 2008.

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  1. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    it isn't what you think...

    i know the "philosophy" of this forum is "pro-life"....

    but there is a constant feeling of joy, giddiness and peace whenever i think of my life ending and i can finally get out of this world that i've been trying to get out of since I was 16.

    it has been constant for months now.

    the only 'hesitation' i have about going is my family. they will never understand. i mean, it is pounded into our brains (in a sort of brainwash way) that the "only" right thing is you shouldn't end your own life. it has been like that for centuries. the possibility that it could be okay to end your life is just not even allowed consideration.

    so the possibility of anyone (besides myself) understanding that it is a good choice for me...we it is not likely ANYONE will ever understand or agree.

    so there is a point when you have to just say, no one will understand that this is what need to be done. so i just have to accept that......and go....

    and it isn't just these past months that i've felt this peace...there have been other times in my life that this absolute sublime serenity comes up when i think of ending my life (though i've never had it be so constant and unwavering for months)

    joy, giddiness and peace....oh my!
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I have felt this way when I considered suicide to be the ONLY way out of my pain...fortunately, all my attempts 'failed', and now I am beginning to find ways (temporary and hard earned) out that allow me to be in the world...yes, the censation of pain is surely a peaceful place to be...big hugs, J
  3. Mortem

    Mortem Well-Known Member

    Oh yes! Same here. That very thought puts a smile on my face every day, it gives me strenght to get up every morning. However crappy a day gets that thought makes me go through it all smiling. Everything just becomes soo simple and easy to handle. :smile: *tosses confetti in the air*

    I guess there might be some truth to the "death enriches life" saying.
  4. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    when i think of it, it is like i'm wrapped in a snuggly bed, just falling gently to sleep.

    but as said, the struggle over the fact i know my family will never understand it or accept it...keeps me from just leaving. if i had no family, i'm sure i'd be gone. i have zero friends and my co-workers, well, i don't feel any obigation to them...

    and, Sadeyes, since you don't know my whole life and the efforts i've put into trying to find a way to stay alive....you'll probably not believe me when i tell you i've tried everything I can do or rather everything i'm capable of doing. and since it is too dangerous to ask for help from anyone else (something i've described in other threads), external help is no longer going to be sought. since i have done everthing i'm capable of and since help is too dangerous...suicide is the only way out.

    but also, as said, since i'm sure i'll never convince anyone that suicide is reasonable choice...i just need to accept that and go.

    at one point people thought Earth was flat...at one time people thought the Earth was the center of the Solar System. maybe we will be able to down the road say, "at one time people were not allowed to choose suicide". that acceptance will never happen in my lifetime .... but i must just learn to understand that and just end my life.
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Just wanted to say that if you decide to invest again in sharing/supporting, please know you can PM me...big hugs, J
  6. famous.last.words

    famous.last.words Forum Buddy

    I can very much understand your point of view but i hope you can regain the desire to fight, even if it is just for your family.

    If you ever want to talk, please PM me.
  7. Ipse_Dixit

    Ipse_Dixit Well-Known Member

    thanks for the words...hoping won't change all the has been ingrained in me over the years though......

    ....i need a miracle
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