it's been many, many years since I buried my brother. Not a day goes by that I don't think of him. i think of the good times, the bad times, the serious and not so serious. important and mundane, it's all has merit. some days are tolerable but the majority of them have been nightmarish; a passing thought, a sentimental song, or an old photograph brings tears to my eyes; the crying leads to self mutilation, and the self mutilation leads to misunderstandings. i've looked all over for succor from the pain: counseling, drugs, alcohol, sex, therapy but in the end...I cannot overcome the hurt and loss I feel in my heart. i want to be close to my brother again, by any means possible and somedays, I feel death is the only option. all i want is to hold his hand and know everything is going to be ok.