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I feel so void, so dark and bleak these past few days...the rain, something that cheers me up, has only made the pain more then I can bear.

October is around the corner, and November is closing in on me, like a hideous nightmare, its impending horrors and fears ready to lash out and drive me insane.

I attempted suicide a few weeks ago and failed, and that failure makes me upset. No matter what, how or where; I cannot succeed. Is it because I secretly want to live, perhaps as a cripple, or blind by the razor I use to cut myself with?

the anniversary of Julian's death is fast approaching, last year I nearly lost myself. I dont know how I can continue to cope.

I've been told to stay strong these past 10 years, and its growing more difficult by the day.

I'm lost, and the hurt is too much.


Staff Alumni
i know what it is like to feel you cannot hold on tight enough to anything, if anything really matters at all, to assure that you will not get swept away...please prepare for that date...you can certainly call/text me and i am sure there as so many others here who will be there for you...why not set up a tag team so we are with you throughout the day/night...big hugs


no one needs to share my grief

yet here i am, like a hypocrite before the cross, telling the fucking world how i feel
There is a logical problem with that. For one, atonement can only be gained through living. If you are no longer alive, how can you atone? If you're using death as a resort because your problems are too great, then isn't that taking the easy way out? And if you are taking the easy way out, how can you call that atoning? Sins, failures, and mistakes exist so that we may learn from them. Not run away from them.

It is sins, failures, and mistakes that make us human. If we were flawless, then this world would be pretty boring. Death as atonement for mistakes? That completely demeans the very purpose and essense of a mistake. By committing suicide, you'll never have a chance to do things right!

Whether or not anyone needs to or can share your grief is, fortuantely for you, not your decision to make. It is the person who listens. So then. Come. Tell us of your troubles. Tell us of your feelings. Feel no guilt for sharing with us, but only relief. That's why this forum exists!
I noticed that when I saw your post count. However, I said it in hopes that it would remove at least some pressure or guilt from telling us. What good is it if you only tell us part of the problem? You only get an oppurtunity to hear part of the solution! I just thought maybe I could get you to be more open.

But just the same, if you still feel uncomfortable being more open, that's understandable as well, and I'll respect that!


Account Closed

in some levels u r gonna have to reprogram urself.
body has memory this is sound, i would go so far to say many of our systems do. and urs for ten years have went through this very physical experience of pain. i am not by any means invalidating the sanctity of ur emotional state. for this is real aswell. but we don t have to start here always. no matter what it would seem to lead us to believe. there are real things u can do to help urself. the question is when will u pick up ur torch so u can find ur way out. i say this cause i call u friend.
:hug: cyesisdemorte. As this anniversary soon approaches, I know things are harder and harder for you to keep strong. I know you are tired of heareing that phrase over and over again. I also know how difficult staying strong can be. Take one day at a time. Consider each day a victory. Julian would not want you to feel sorrow, or take your own life. I was not priviledged enough to know Julian, but listening to your heart break, I know what a wonderful person Julian truly was. You may grieve for him always, but must try not to let this grief be all encompassing. Remember the good times you had together. I wish I could ease the pain hun. I remeber you once telling me that it is how we choose to deal with things that makes us who we are, and that I must learn to choose t6he path that leads me to a better life. Those were wise words from a good friend. A wise friend. Take care of you hun. You are so very important. :hug:


Well-Known Member
I always had the "its not their problem they shouldnt have to deal with my crap" approach to everything in my life, but i've learnt that to get through things everyone needs someone. This Forum is the perfect place to let go and share what your going through. I need to help people to keep myself going as it makes me think that im not the only one going through everything. I want to help you through all this sweetie, Im here to talk, Whenever. Let me know how you doing, please take care x
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