June 10th

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by MoAnamCara, Jun 29, 2012.

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  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    This was the last day I cut. Today is a challenge for me, to resist going there to cope. If someone had told me I'd be using this method as a form of coping I would have laughed at them. But, here I am. Struggling, trying not to go there. But I can't seem to come down from this horribly invasive anxiousness that has permeated my being today. Its like watching the fireflies - too many to count, you wouldn't know where to start. And then, when you think you might be getting things under control - they move while you are trying to count. I feel a similar sense of disorientation, unable to grasp any one thing, unsure where or what or who to turn to. I don't want to go "there" but if thats the only thing that can help today - and avoid going other places - what choice do I have?
  2. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    I hear you MO ((gentle hug))
    watching fireflies, well worded
    keep holding on, keep talking
  3. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    Mo :console:
    I have no advice..I use food for comfort and understand that struggle in the mind
  4. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    How you holding up today Mo?
    ((gentle hug)) thinking about you
  5. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Also checking in with you and hoping today is better...many hugs
  6. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Hope you are OK Mo. Well done for making it so long.
    I have no real help, just remember I am here if you want to talk.
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Well its time to start recounting. I'm not proud of this, it feeds my self loathing. Am still wired, don't know what to do now. more? something else? Am shaking. Need some relief.
  8. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    Are you still wired Mo?
    Have a hug, hope it helps. OK so you restart your count, or you say in the last X days I have cut Y times.
  9. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks Windle - yes I am unfortunately still wired. My eyes hurt from lack of rest and tears. My body is shaking.

    I come here to find people have de-friended me or whatever it is, so thats fine - I've deleted all my contacts/friends. Easier that way, easier for me to deal with anyhow.

    I was ready to give up last night, completely. I was reflecting on my life, my existence. It is pathetic. And sad. I had always give myself this year (a certain number of birthdays) to get my shit together. I'm perhaps farther from that, than I've ever been.

    It makes no difference really anymore anyhow. The hurt from losing my soulmate is deeper than ever.

    But yeah, we've all got our own struggles.

    Back to reality with a fucking bang. blah blah fucking fucking fucking fucking fucking blah.
  10. 41021

    41021 Banned Member

    ((((gentle calming hugs))))
    :sad: i sux dirt as a friend but i care about you and you are in my thoughts and heart and i wouldn't de-friend you :no:

    I wish i knew a way to ease some of this, i would readily offer it.
    I'm just stumbling/struggling through like you are Mo ((hug))

    it helps me to go in chat, even if i sit there quiet, or if i engage with others...there are some good supportive people in there if you ever need. sometimes just putting my focus on the wall of text helps, and knowing others are there helps with not being totally alone (even though i want to be alone), and i know if i need i can yell out for a bit of an anchor.

    when you have those feelings, like you are ready to give up, i wish you could find the strength to reach out to people, let others know, let others be there for you. I guess i just don't want you to feel totally alone ((hug))

    As far as being wired and no sleep, when i have that going on, i have this little checklist in my head;
    be sure no sugars/caffeine of any kind, no white stuff like breads etc
    be sure a bit of some kind of food, even tiny spoonful or two
    i try sipping various herbal teas
    warm milk with bit of nutmeg (for me is comfort)
    sometimes music
    wrap in sheepskin/hoodie/tactile/something soft against my cheek
    maybe some incense or something that smells good (i avoid candle in when not doing well- fire hazard)
    maybe rock (as in rocking self)
    try to stay in one spot, that's where being in chat or even on forum causes me to focus on something
    cut back on as much external stimulation as possible
    that's just a bit of what i try. i don't know if any of that would be assistive for you, just offering the only things i know ((hug))

    we may all have our own struggles, but maybe we can struggle together in some way, connecting in some way and on some level, not being totally alone i dunno, i'm sorry to ramble ((hug))

    thank you for helping me so i didn't feel all by myself the other night *tears*
    i took some comfort from you and it helped

    (((soothing gentle hugs)))
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Oh well, last night - now tonight - who's counting and who gives a shit? Am I that concerned? Why am I even posting? Because I've an inner need to let all know that I've f-ed up again? That I can't. That I'm incapable. Self humiliation - fabulous. :cry:
  12. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    So, you are in a bad time my friend, and you needed a release. we can all understand and I admire you for being able to tell us about it, do not see it as a negative.
    You are a fighter, always, even if you do not realise.

  13. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    I think it's good you keep talking here Mo..we are here to listen and try to offer support. :arms:
  14. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I want to. I need to. I have to.

    Without, how can I?

    How deep can I go? How deep do I want to go? Do I have to be honest?
  15. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I don't know how to cope, or how to cope better, without using SH as the method that helps the most. Its not that I don't know better, but its more doing the right things when times are tough. Like tonight. The only thing on my mind is negative coping. I could go listen to a meditation cd, work on some things, distract some other way, take some meds (but not too many) and a host of other things. But its like I can't, all sense goes out the window. I need the pain to relieve the anxiousness. I need the pain to feel rather than not doing so and having panic attacks. I don't know. It is so nutty.
  16. windlepoons

    windlepoons Well-Known Member

    I wish I could help, give you some words that would help but I cannot. I hope that in time you will be able to use less negative strategies.
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