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june 18 - her birthday - my death day

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by touglytobeloved, Jun 18, 2008.

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  1. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Yes. Today its her birthday. And today it should be a happy day. But not for me. Today she told me that she is leaving, finally. In a few hours. I will not see her for 4 months, maybe more. Also, since she is my only friend, starting from tomorrow, Im all alone. I have nothing and nobody. My future will be like this: sitting home 24/7, doing nothing, eating, sleeping, dreaming... Alone.
    The last reason that was keeping me alive will be gone. So, nothing keeps me anymore. Maybe it's better this way. Because now, I will be alone, I will have nothing, and it will be easier for me to die. Because, when you have someone, when you are happy just for seeing her, then, you can live. You can live untill you lose her. But, when you know that your life is completely empty... You are free to go...
    I will see how will be in the first days, starting from tomorrow... I know I cant cope with my loneliness, Im not a person that can live a life like that.
    I just hope that this is one of my last posts here, I just hope that i will have enough courage to do the right thing, to end with this life.
    I hope that this is goodbye...
  2. janie

    janie Well-Known Member

    ...at least dont do it on her birthday i dont think people would like to have their birthday remind them of their friends suicide. Its also gonna make her blame herself probably and scar her.

    don't do it at all please, for one thing- "4 months or more" isnt forever
  3. smackh2o

    smackh2o SF Supporter

    I think I know how you feel. Ow :sad:
    Live to see her face again, and let life blossom. Easier said than done I know.
  4. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    She will be gone for 4 months and then back with you? It may seem like an eternity but it will go by and then you will see her again. Can't you keep in contact while she is away? This is only the end if you let it be the end. Don't let the situation control you.
  5. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    She will get back, but she will never get back to me. She doesnt love me. One day, I will lose everything, I will lose her forever. Thats why I hope I will end all now, when Im all alone. This is the perfect time for me to die.

    And one more thing: How can you manage to get through 4 months of loneliness, without friends, knowing the fact that after this 4 months will come another few months of 'happiness-if you can call it like that, when you have something that you will never have', and after that, alone again, but this time forever? I will never find love, I will never be loved. I can get through this, but only if I have someone. Since I have noone....
  6. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    So many reasons we wish to die, sometimes so few reasons to live. At least that's what our present reality tells us. If only we could take a look into our future and see the goodness ahead, it might alter out present reality. Trouble is, no one can see very far at all into the future, so we're left with the present, and the decisions we make now will effect our complete destiny.

    Notice, I say we. I'm at that same place today, at least emotionally. And I have a loving wife, two great kids, siblings, Mom, friends...Yet, there it is, in my face - I want to die. Doesn't make much sense.

    I think of the millions of people who want to live, but again, there it is. We don't want to live. So hard for all those who have never experienced suicidality to understand the hell we live with in our minds every day. Irrationality to them, reality to us.

    Pardon my rambling musing. I just understand the feelings that go into deciding we want to die, and the ongoing tension with the part of us that sees all we have to live for. Life is hard. Living takes incredible effort, sometimes seemingly more effort than we can muster.
  7. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Where did she go? Have you sat down and talked to her one on one basis? I don't know you. But from what I have read of your posts, you are a caring soul. Sometimes you just have to let go and see if they return. I don't like to hear about others that are so close to the edge. I guess that makes me a hipocrit because I am suicidal also. I won't go into my problems. I just would like to read that passion that I know you are capable of. You have helped so many others, it's time to help yourself. You know we care about you and I know that you have made friends hear at the forum. So talk to us and let us help you stay the path...:chopper:
  8. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    I have already said everything here. Yes, I do have friends here, but only here. Would you come and visit me if I invite you? Because what I really need is a friend here, close to me, to talk in person. Here, on this forum, or msn,.... its hard to spend your days on your computer, all the time, with virtual friends (maybe some of you could be my best friends if you were living closer to me, but thats just another maybe, because all of this here is just virtual, nothing more, Its like I know all of you, but I dont know any of you).
  9. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    If you lived within driving distance, I'd come and be with you.
  10. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Im in Europe.
  11. middleofnowhere

    middleofnowhere Well-Known Member

    Sorry. Gas is too high for me to get there, and airfares aren't for people on disability income. If I can stay alive until then, my wife and I hope to spend some time in Europe when our inheritance kicks in. Come on over and see how beautiful Oregon is - from high desert to lush valleys and a beautiful coastline.
  12. touglytobeloved

    touglytobeloved Well-Known Member

    Yeah, I would love to come, but I need a waranty letter from someone from USA, I need a visa and a lot of money for the visa and the plane tickets. Im from <Mod Edit>, so, the annual income here is too low (2000eur per year), and the tickets and the visa will probably cost about 2000eur :sad:
    But, maybe, somehow, I will...
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 28, 2009
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