Just a boy, being a boy.

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Not the end, Aug 16, 2008.

  1. Not the end

    Not the end New Member

    I always feel like I have so much I want to say, but when the time comes to speak, I can't get any of it out. This is my first step to getting it out. This is me trying to break down that barrier by starting this thread. Whenever it flares out, this thread will be ready to take it all in, so that at least I can see my feelings more clearly. I will succeed.
     
  2. Not the end

    Not the end New Member

    This is to you, Jess.

    I love you. I've given far too much of myself to you to ever hope to get it all back. And while were back together now, I can't stand it at the same time. It's approaching a year since you broke me. That was the worst thing I've ever experienced through my entire life. Worse than my grandfather dying, worse than my father dying, worse than Tristan and Soni dying, worse than the abuse, and all of my other horrible experiences growing up. That was an amount of betrayal that my heart wasn't able to deal with. You were my reason for living, you were that one thing that "something more" that I always searched for, and you threw it all away on an impulse. You showed me your true colors. You showed me that it was all just a novelty to you, and it was all really just about you, and having your perfect image and life. It was never about us for you, like it was for me. I always pulled everything, for years. Through all the horrid crap going on in my life, I still served us, I did what was best for us, I fought for us. But to you, that was just another quality point for the object of boyfriend. DON'T YOU HAVE ANY FUCKING SHAME?! I don't believe you've changed. We've been together for nearly 5 months since then, where you came back begging and manipulating, but the aftermath will never finish its adding and multiplying. The scars are all still here, the pain is still real, A FUCKING YEAR LATER. Do you have ANY IDEA WHAT YOU DID TO ME?! I don't think you do. I think you're still that selfish brat.

    In an apathetic view at my life, I get this feeling where I want to blame myself for what happened. I want to think that I was just a fool for putting my life into one person. But I know that that's not right. I don't feel that way inside of my heart. I feel like every since I was little, I wanted to find a beautiful girl to fall in love with, and give my all. And that's exactly what I did. I guess I just chose the wrong girl.

    I hate myself for the stupid decisions I made after that. I gave my virginity to a girl I didn't love or want to. I drank, smoked, and tried drugs I never should have, or would have. I did anything that I thought would make it better.

    And then you come back. After I was finally getting myself back together, you come back. And in my desperation and idiocy, I took you back. For that extremely short time, I knew better, and I tried to keep myself from going back to you by sleeping with Stephanie again, but it didn't work.

    You had months of showing your true, whore-ish colors, and when you rode it out to the very end, you manipulated me back into a relationship, LIKE YOU HAD FUCKING PLANNED THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME... WHY THE FUCK AM I STILL WITH YOU WHEN I KNOW ALL OF THESE HORRIBLE FUCKING THINGS?!

    I will never be the same, and I do blame you for that. I know I said I didn't, and I know I say it's not wise to point fingers, but I do point the finger at you, silently, so many times. When I'm with you, I have so many flash backs that it makes me want to just scream, and shriek, but instead, I just bottle it up. Why might one ask? For us. Because I'm assuming the position as your bitch again. Because I'm fighting for us, when I have no idea why.

    Make no mistake, I still love you, and always will, but I don't think I'm going to be able to keep this relationship with you. You always bait me into it, but I'm going to stop coming back one of these days. I know you're going to show your true colors once again, and that'll definitely make this final.

    I hate to make you sound like a horrible person, but you are. I know you. I know that you know better, but you just pretend and go on about your selfish ways.

    There is so much more that I want to say to you, but this will do for now.