Just A Confession

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by jojo777, May 31, 2011.

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  1. jojo777

    jojo777 Active Member

    My name is Jordan. I'm 20 years old. I go to college but other than that I really have no life. I have friends, but not the kind that I could just call up and hang out with. My best friend (who is really my only friend- friend)recently got a boyfriend and because of that I got ditched and don't exist. As for my family, my dad is a functioning alcoholic who's girlfriend literally hates me (she came right out and said "I hate you" once), whenever he's around his girlfriend personality changes drastically. he also always promises to do something with me but always backs out of it. Yesterday he called me, drunk, and today he forgot about the entire conversation. His job is the most important thing to him. Basically to sum him up he never had any time for me, and thinks I am pointless. I've said multiple times that I want to be a voice actress and am getting a degree in theater and he critisizes that every chance he gets.

    As for my mother, she has been abusive towards me since I was 6 or so. She's not so physically abusive to me anymore as verbally. She used to slap me, punch me, hit me, kick me, pull my hair, etc. She used to tear down my posters or break my things when I pissed her off. Now she makes a point to everyday to call me names and to put me down. For example, she recently told me that I was a worthless idiot who needed to get an apartment, then 5 minutes later she tells me that I couldn't make it on my own. She thinks she can do way better at college then me even when doing a 10 page research paper along with studying for a final exam isn't that easy! Oh and I am an embarrassment to her and I better not be a dumb bitch in front of the people she works with. Because I am such a crazy bitch that is the reason I have no friends, according to her. I told her once in middle school that kids kept calling me a spazz so she continued to call me that day after day. I am basically never going to be good enough or thin enough or smart enough or successful enough for her. She uses what I tell her against me. We have an awful fake-close relationship when other people are around and honestly, it is horrible to pretend all of the time.

    My step dad is another problem, alls he cares about is cars and sex. He made it perfectly clear since Christmas that he hated my mom and me. On Memorial Day he went down to our families party without us after screaming in my face saying "WELL I DIDN'T EXPECT YOU GUYS TO TELL ME!!!" then calling me ugly. He hasn't said two words to me in months yet when he was at my aunts house on Memorial Day he talked it up which I don't understand.

    By the way I hate family gatherings/parties. I seriously dread them. My aunt and cousin always gang up on me being like the "popular" kids were in high school. My cousin even hangs out with the kids I graduated with and hated in high school. Oh and because my cousin had a baby apparently she has a right to be mean to me. Also, her boyfriend is a type 1 diabetic like I am and I should be "doing and eating things the way he does," according to my aunt. Even though I've had type 1 diabetes since I was 6 and he just came into the family, his way is better.

    I also just failed my english class for the 2nd time in college because my professor hates the royal family and that's what I did my research paper on. I'm a good writer, he just hated my topic. I've also never had a boyfriend which is quite sad. Plus, Im not allowed to make a counseling appointment because my mom won't take me, but it's not like I could go there randomly anyways, I don't have a license because my mom says Im a worthless failure.


    I have attempted suicide once before when I was bullied everyday in middle school but it was such a complete failure no-one knows about it and it didn't leave any marks or anything. I've never told anyone, and nobody knows. Sorry for sounding 'emo' or whatever I just wanted to get this off my chest. I know people have it worse than me but I'm not sure how much more I can take. Thanks for reading.
     
  2. I am sorry about your family. I am sure your not worthless =) a life is not worthless no matter what. Welcome to the forums and you don't sound emo. If you ever want to talk on people here I am sure they will listen or if you want you can talk to me. Welcome and I hope we can encourage you that you DO mean something.
     
  3. solutions

    solutions Well-Known Member

    It sounds like you live in a very toxic environment. Unfortunately, it also sounds like you don't have any other option, correct? It might be a nice idea if you lived on your own, but from what you said, it doesn't sound like a viable option, but correct me if I'm wrong.

    In any case, when it comes to living in an environment like that, there are still a few things you can do. First of all, try to put as much distance as possible between you and anyone who consistently hurts you. Second, I would recommend finding out if your school offers free counseling for students. This is very common, so I'd guess that there's at least one person you can talk to on campus. If you can find the time, it could help you cope with your current situation.

    And, well, I'll be honest with you, the early 20's suck for a lot of people. I'm 24 and still in college, and as a matter of fact I had a conflict with my father this afternoon about finishing my schooling; I ended up in an indefensible position in which he told me I wasn't showing enough enthusiasm for my future (I actually am very apathetic and helpless toward life, but I thought I was hiding it well). Not only is college hard, but parents can be difficult during this time, as well.

    What do you think of the two ideas I proposed? Can you put yourself at a distance from the people that hurt you, or is that impossible? And second, do you think it would be worth it to see if your school has a free counselor on staff?
     
  4. jojo777

    jojo777 Active Member

    ^^^ Thank you so much, to both of you, I really appreciate your guys' input. I'm glad to know atleast someone out there cares.

    blackandwhiterainbow- Thanks. Your words made me smile. Thanks for understanding. If I ever need to talk I'll keep you in mind. =P


    Rocketpop09- I think those ideas are good, but it may be hard to put myself at a distance where people can hurt me considering they are really the only ones I have and being alone for me is even worse than being put down all of the time. I already checked to see if my school had free counseling (I wouldn't care if I had to pay for it really. I do have money. =) ) but the counselors at my college are apparently only for class scheduling and talking to new students. I have a few people I talk to on campus but we're not like best buds or anything. I've been practicing driving and what not so that's a start, however, moving out at the moment really isn't.

    By the way I'm sorry about your dad said that to you. College is hard I don't know why people can't understand that.
     
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