as i lie here in bed, failing but also not really trying to get to sleep, a few things which have been turning over in my mind for a long time feel like they should be said, if only for the sake of saying them. first, have any of you ever felt that by speaking on something it somehow validated or falsified it? at the moment, i work with a girl who i can't quite decide how i feel about her. i think i love her, i'm pretty sure i do, but i'm not really sure because i don't know how to really define love. i love my parents, but at the same time hate both as they both have done things or not done things to myself and my sisters which were just painful. but i don't know if by simply speaking, or saying to myself or saying out loud that "i love her" or "I love you" makes it so, or if it cheapens the meaning behind the statement. and how much of what goes on in the head is real? the people are real, the places are real, but are the connections between yourself and the people/places you think about real? if you think somebody will respond someway and responds another, does that mean that they are responding falsely for some reason or that you just don't know how they are? how do you tell? i could go on about the feeling of loneliness, hopelessness, worthlessness, all of those hurtful "nesses", but what really is the point? none of us are on this forum for the fun of it. at what point does it become a weakness to say you need help? what if you have asked for help many a time, but the relationship with the person you asked or who offered deteriorates before anything is accomplished? is it that i, the person asking for help, am simply looking to cling to somebody else so i don't have to define who i am for myself? or is it that i am simply asking the wrong people. at what point does coming here and posting, or going to a therapist, or any of that, really change your life? i think my big problem is consistency, or at least thats what i think my big problem is at this moment in time. i have been to several therapists, different medications, different friends, different jobs, different schools. everytime i seem to run into a situation where i find a girl i really really like, but i don't know if i actually like them or if they just have all the necessary holes for me to insert my penis. i really dislike the idea that i would like somebody purely for sex, that seems very derogatory and lame, so i constantly try and show that i am "in tune" with their emotions, i am kind and gentle and sweet, but i seem to take it too far. i act like a small child part of the time, then a full adult the other. i go from crying in a panera's to a girl i've only known for 3 months after professing my "like" to her, to being a complete and unmitigated asshole to everybody around me because i somehow feel justified in mentally telling myself that they can all go fuck themselves. at what point do i realize what i am doing? it would be easy to say i just haven't met "the right people", but are people really all that different? i don't think so. I've met some very honestly "different" people who all behave in the same basic ways. i'm also something of a chauvinist (thx dictionary.com), i have very select tastes in women. not just physically but mentally. i am probably too picky. is that a bad thing? i guess if all i want is sex, then yes it is sort of self-defeating as a woman who knows her worth will probably not offer sex very quickly. ah hell i don't know. this is getting kind of dumb. i think i'll just watch podcasts until i fall asleep.