Just a few thoughts

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Alucard, Oct 8, 2011.

  1. Alucard

    Alucard Account Closed

    This is my first post here, and I would like to say that in spite of the tone to what will follow, I understand fully that there are billions of people of worse off than me. I know that things could be worse, and that I do in fact have much to be greatful for. That said, I feel as though I am the brink of a complete meltdown, so I need to get it out.

    First of all, I have been suffering from Avoidant Personality Disorder for all of the past eleven years. An injury to my nose that I incurred at school at the age of 14 left me feeling very anxious about my appearance, this too has become a increasingly difficult issue to deal with. It has resulted in the complete rejection of my own body over the years. I don't even like to see my shadow, and always wear long hoodies to hide my hands and face. That's a little background into some of the, to be honest, pathetic, issues that I currently face.


    At present I am a pathetic 25 year old loser. I have lost every friend I have ever had and rarely venture out of the house. Between 2008 and the first first three months of 2010 I attempted to mount a comeback of sorts. I even faced my fear and got a job. It was aweful, but I stuck it out, but for being paid off, I would have still been there. But since losing my job, my family have intensified their pressure on me for money. I get it from all quarters, I don't even say anything, I just take it. This is one of the many gripes I have with them. In 2002 and 2005, I approached my parents asking for help. I knew something wasn't right. They, however, weren't interested. They never needed me for anything so cast me aside. Now that they need money they have an interest in me. Had they been good people, they would have been concerned for me and I would in all likelihood been more functional today, and better able to help them.

    The fighting has been going on for many years. My father used to be an alchoholic and beat my mother and myself. He hasn't done that in many, many years, but it had an impact on our relationship. I have to this day never confided in him, he mostly wants someone to listen to him, more importantly, agree with him. He has a massive ego, but is a coward and never asserts himself publicly. He takes it out on his family to make him feel powerful. He is materialistic, and that's why his only concern with me is how much money I can put in his pocket. He wants to keep me dependant on him, but with a job. So it's a delicate balancing act. At the moment I feel suffocated. Even if I did have a job I could never afford to move out, and I still would never have job security. So I feel very trapped. I have no relatives in this country, no friends, nobody who can help me. I even considered having myself committed, but I later found that in England that is not very likely to happen. You cannot simply have yourself committed. I've tried to think of everything, but alas, to no avail.

    That's where I found myself here. In all of the past eleven years, I never actually tried to physically harm myself. Not in terms of knifing myself etc. Though I do go on extended periods of not ingesting anything, but it isnt the same. The past few weeks the pressre has been mounting, and I nearly gashed my wrist open. Since I reached that point, the urge to cut myself is becoming more intense, much harder to ignore. And just when I think I am progressing with it, I get hounded again, and it drags all those emotions back. I can't take it anymore. I was thinking of just packing my bag and walking out, but where would I go? What can I do? This has been the crux of the matter for so long. Please, I know this is all rather drab, but I have noone else to talk to. I truly fear that my time here is short. I know deep within myself that I cannot continue like this. I have no desire for anything on this planet anymore. Any help with be gratefully received, thanks for your time.

    Warm regards
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    hI hun sorry you are suffering so and no one seems to care. You are 25 now hun time for you to go to hospital or to your doctor and ask for some help. Get some therapy to help you heal from past wounds You deserve help and compassion hun go ask your doctor for some help hugs
  3. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    I am so sorry you are going through this. Your injury happened at such a critical age, that it is no wonder it had the impact that it did. As TE said, maybe it would be of benefit to talk to someone about this, and try to move on...I am currently dealing with the loss of my physical abilities, so I know first hand, how devastating body issues can be...I hope you continue to post and tell us how you are doing