I don't know....really I should be dead right now. So I think my mind is a ghost just haunting this body. I feel like a ghost with no hope or purpose just stuck in this body waiting to be free. I say I'm a ghost because I feel dead. I hurt anyone around me and can't ever seem to live. I have no friends and when I say no friends I mean no friends. I know me not having friends is my own doing...I find it hard to really trust anyone. The only person I would truly ever call my friend is my ex wife. We were married for 13 years..but all in all we were together for over 20 years and had 2 girls. But a little over a year ago she left me...a month later she told me she was going to start dating someone...then another month later they were living together...then a few months after that she had my kids calling this guy step dad. Now I am totally alone, her family that I thought were my family has wiped their hands of me. They all were my life and my it revolved around them all. Now its gone. I have my 2 girls and they love me but I can see my depression is hurting them. I am losing my house and will be evicted at any time and I can see how disappointed they are. I feel I am totally worthless because I cannot even provide a home for my kids. When I said I should be dead its because I tried killing myself twice. The first time the police stopped me from shooting myself but cut me a break and let me go if I voluntarily went into a behavioral health clinic. What a waste that was. First the hospital's depression unit was full so they put me into the wrong unit at first. So really they did nothing for me but further embarrass me because now everyone I know...all my so called friends...all my coworkers then found out about my problems. Now my so called friends will not even return my calls anymore and my coworkers will not even talk to me. I am an alien now on their planet...kind of like a ghost walking among the living. The second time was a few months ago when I got the divorce papers. I loaded my gun and prepared myself. I pulled the trigger and then click...nothing happend. I removed the bullet from my rifle to see that the firing pin hit the primer but it was a dud. I felt at first like something or someone was trying to help me. I felt a strange touch on me that this was not the right thing to to. So for the last few months I have felt a little better. I started to believe I have purpose. But now I'm slipping again. I'm starting to think that the bullet was just a dud and I should have just loaded another bullet. That positive feeling I had after the misfire is gone. I'm pretty sure as soon as I get some more bad news or something like that I will do it again. I am preparing myself again for what I feel is my only choice. Really all I want is my life back. I just want my wife and family back. I used to be a good husband, a good father. I used to be a happy person believe it or not. I used to be such a nice guy. Now I'm just this ghost.