Just a ghost

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by fishman, Nov 13, 2014.

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  1. fishman

    fishman Member

    I don't know....really I should be dead right now. So I think my mind is a ghost just haunting this body. I feel like a ghost with no hope or purpose just stuck in this body waiting to be free. I say I'm a ghost because I feel dead. I hurt anyone around me and can't ever seem to live. I have no friends and when I say no friends I mean no friends. I know me not having friends is my own doing...I find it hard to really trust anyone. The only person I would truly ever call my friend is my ex wife. We were married for 13 years..but all in all we were together for over 20 years and had 2 girls. But a little over a year ago she left me...a month later she told me she was going to start dating someone...then another month later they were living together...then a few months after that she had my kids calling this guy step dad. Now I am totally alone, her family that I thought were my family has wiped their hands of me. They all were my life and my it revolved around them all. Now its gone. I have my 2 girls and they love me but I can see my depression is hurting them. I am losing my house and will be evicted at any time and I can see how disappointed they are. I feel I am totally worthless because I cannot even provide a home for my kids.
    When I said I should be dead its because I tried killing myself twice. The first time the police stopped me from shooting myself but cut me a break and let me go if I voluntarily went into a behavioral health clinic. What a waste that was. First the hospital's depression unit was full so they put me into the wrong unit at first. So really they did nothing for me but further embarrass me because now everyone I know...all my so called friends...all my coworkers then found out about my problems. Now my so called friends will not even return my calls anymore and my coworkers will not even talk to me. I am an alien now on their planet...kind of like a ghost walking among the living. The second time was a few months ago when I got the divorce papers. I loaded my gun and prepared myself. I pulled the trigger and then click...nothing happend. I removed the bullet from my rifle to see that the firing pin hit the primer but it was a dud. I felt at first like something or someone was trying to help me. I felt a strange touch on me that this was not the right thing to to. So for the last few months I have felt a little better. I started to believe I have purpose. But now I'm slipping again. I'm starting to think that the bullet was just a dud and I should have just loaded another bullet. That positive feeling I had after the misfire is gone. I'm pretty sure as soon as I get some more bad news or something like that I will do it again. I am preparing myself again for what I feel is my only choice. Really all I want is my life back. I just want my wife and family back. I used to be a good husband, a good father. I used to be a happy person believe it or not. I used to be such a nice guy. Now I'm just this ghost.
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i am sorry your life has fallen apart You girls will need you they will and their step father will never replace your love no way ok
    You were happy once so you know it can happen again with support with help you can find a way back even a new love if you want that
    You need to reach out ok and get some therapy to help you deal with the loss of your old life your dreams your family the therapist will make sure you have visitation rights to your children and you get you some help to stop the depression Don't give up on YOU ok don't leave your girls who love you very much
     
  3. fishman

    fishman Member

    I do go to therapy...but I think its pointless. I do believe in therapy but I also feel it just doesn't help for some. I mean you can talk about your problems only so much...you can't fix some things that are broken. I do see my kids a few days a week. The are all I have now. But they are also in therapy because...well my ex wife says because of my situation and not being accepting of hers. I look at this other guy as a total piece of shit because I know now he was engaging my ex for a year on facebook before she left me. I know it wasn't all him my ex carries part of the blame but I cannot accept this man. I will not let my kids ever speak of him. And because of that my ex says that's why they are in therapy. I am as stubborn as they come. I will die before I ever do so much as even be in the same room as this man. I have my principles....and one of them is to never give a piece of shit like that any type of consideration, or audience.
     
  4. Jasp

    Jasp Active Member

    Dear fishman, I just saw your recent post and then accidentally noticed this one. Please don't give up, your daughters need their father! Think of the impact ending your life would have on them! And think of the example you could set for them: going through the darkness but standing strong. One day they'll know you what you've done for them, even if they can't see it yet, or worse wouldn't want to be in touch with you for a while, I don't know, be strong. Let them see what their father really is like. I've known 5 people who ended their lives and it's such a devastation for the ones you leave behind.
    Try to regain control over your life, don't let life's situation take over and get you down, set the situation yourself! Accept that things don't go your way, but try to regain your positivity, by looking for some hobbies or the like. Learn to play guitar for example and then play for your daughters. You've got two daughters and they love you, isn't that a gift that can help you through the darkness?

    And by the way, I believe in reincarnation and have read many books about this topic and about death and suicide when I came to a point in my life where all I wanted was to die to stop my suffering after an accident (I still want to die, but no longer by my own hand and I decided to carry the suffering after my quest on the topic of suicide and reincarnation was over), and you know, ending your life is never a way out, because you will for sure face the same situation in different circumstances in a next life, until you make it through / pass the challenge. The growth you go through in the meantime is what this lifetime is about. The only thing suicide does is that it blows away all your possibilities of working out your life themes and it leaves your loved ones behind in devastation. If you're interested in more of this read my post "spiritual view on suicide" in the succes strategies forum.

    Anyway, look deeper. Go within yourself, stay strong and set the example you want to live. What about your daughters facing a rough time later on in their years, you still have got so much going for you! Don't fret up with life... I'm telling you this, as someone who's suffering a lot from an accident, no more good years for me to come, lifelong suffering, but I'm holding on day by day to tell people like you that ending your life is never the right option. Good luck!

    And also, I do believe that our universe can help a little here and there and that you've been very lucky. And you do have purpose, your purpose is to hold on carry yourself for the sake of your future and for the future of your daughters. The fact that you're posting here twice and are sharing and asking for help shows that you're still figthing, don't give up! And if you're really desparate, read some near-death experiences from people who tried to commit suicide and survived, it'll show you what happens, I've read several and they all said they were lucky to have survived and in many cases their life situations really improved or they found the strength to carry on.
     
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