Just a heads up

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by MikeAlexander, Dec 21, 2015.

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  1. MikeAlexander

    MikeAlexander Banned Member


    I'm turning a curve in my life. I now realize that things are bad. <mod edit - methods>. Nothing good enough to ensure a permenant rest.

    Under normal circumstances, I would probably tell my wife watchignng TV five feet from me or a friend. I have plenty online right now. I'm not going to this time. I am so sick of telling the same story over and over again. I am sick of being a failure.

    I have ruined my career, lost many friends, sold my house, had to move to a new city where I feel isolated. I was diagnosed with diabetes here and I am unable to find work.

    I have experienced trauma in my life and I can't imagine life without the anti-depressant medication. I am compromised and unable to function because I am agoraphobic and hate leaving the house.

    In the new year, disability insurance runs out and I will be broke. The good news is that January doesn't have any events as significant as December, so I will wait until then. I am supposed to see a psychiatrist sometime soon, but I'm tired of being on a waiting list. Tired of having lost almost everything of value. I want out.

    I work out. I ride a bike for hours at a time. I eat healthy. I work on my physical health as a coping mechanism.

    I'm going to drink alone again like I do every second day. I can't wait to not care anymore. <mod edit - methods>. I only wish that my kids werent' going to have to find me when they get home from school. I need to find a way to numb myself against the reality of hurting people who love me one last time.

    I used to be happy but the mistakes I made cannot be resolved. Almost everything is gone. I hate life and wish to stop being worthless, unemployable, scared and alone.
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 22, 2015
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    YOU are NOT worthless ok your children will always always love you and need you You are a father a husband and you can get help earlier if you go to hospital and talk to crisis team there the on call psychiatrist there. Things can change future can have some light in it but there will be no light for the ones you love if you leave them. You are sentencing them to darkness. Go to hospital ok talk to crisis team there they will help you
  3. may71

    may71 Well-Known Member

    Mike, if you are in the US or Canada, you might want to try calling 211. They may be able to help you with employment, disability benefits, and health care.

    Hope that things can get better soon!
  4. Nobodydifferent

    Nobodydifferent Well-Known Member

    I always feel like a hypocrit telling someone not to kill themselves as I write about wanting to do the same .. But it's do as I say not as I do right ? My father killed himself .. Here I am 30 yrs later I've destroyed my life and I want to do the same .. I'm not trying to guilt trip you that's not what I'm here for because like I said i know what suicide does to a child and I have my own and all I want to do every single day .. Is the same

    Your not worthless your kids love you .. Your wife loves you .. Thirty years from now there not gonna say money was tight and my dad made mistakes .. No there only going to miss the father they loved .. So all the mistakes and the money troubles and everything else can be fixed or dealt with ..

    Suicide can't
  5. Renegade

    Renegade Well-Known Member

    You know thats interesting because I am here also trying to tell people not to kill themselves either while myself planning my own suicide. Yet I dont feel like an hypocrite because i believe everyone approach to why they want to kill themselves is very different. I think we should really try everything before even killing ourselves and that it should only be done when all hope is lost and that we should really try our best get to feel well. And in many case I still see much hope so I do my best to think people out of doing it.
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there and welcome, I used to suffer with full on agoraphobia and it was hell so I partly know what you are going through. There should be help in your area for people that are agoraphobic, a local helpline, anything. I stayed inside for about 5 years, I really regret it now that I have had treatment, couselling and medication. I hope you get the help you need and please keep us updated.
  7. MikeAlexander

    MikeAlexander Banned Member

    I had reached out to a person in this new city where I live a little while ago. It had been a nice thing to feel listened to, supported. I was assured that this person cared for me and wanted me to be well. This past weekend, she stopped reaching out and have blocked me from communicating with her. I get it. I'm a pain to deal with. I'm a burden and I don't belong. The lesson is that reaching out to people is no guarantee that one fuck will be given. Reaching out for help has resulted in a knife being buried in my back. Can't blame her, but I am disappointed that rejection is what I know best.

    Tonight I am working on a letter of goodbye. I hadn't really considered how, but I now know how. I am now seeking a location. I have the means and I now think about leaving every day. January is looking iffy, but I feel strongly that this most recent rejection will be the last time I ever have to experience knowing that I am not worth reaching out to.

    The therapist and psychiatric doctor are very nice people, but nice doesn't pay the rent. Sucks to know that my voice cannot rise above the noise of well-adjusted, happy people who won a lottery while I plan on quietly leaving.

    It's a real shame.
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