Hi. I'm turning a curve in my life. I now realize that things are bad. <mod edit - methods>. Nothing good enough to ensure a permenant rest. Under normal circumstances, I would probably tell my wife watchignng TV five feet from me or a friend. I have plenty online right now. I'm not going to this time. I am so sick of telling the same story over and over again. I am sick of being a failure. I have ruined my career, lost many friends, sold my house, had to move to a new city where I feel isolated. I was diagnosed with diabetes here and I am unable to find work. I have experienced trauma in my life and I can't imagine life without the anti-depressant medication. I am compromised and unable to function because I am agoraphobic and hate leaving the house. In the new year, disability insurance runs out and I will be broke. The good news is that January doesn't have any events as significant as December, so I will wait until then. I am supposed to see a psychiatrist sometime soon, but I'm tired of being on a waiting list. Tired of having lost almost everything of value. I want out. I work out. I ride a bike for hours at a time. I eat healthy. I work on my physical health as a coping mechanism. I'm going to drink alone again like I do every second day. I can't wait to not care anymore. <mod edit - methods>. I only wish that my kids werent' going to have to find me when they get home from school. I need to find a way to numb myself against the reality of hurting people who love me one last time. I used to be happy but the mistakes I made cannot be resolved. Almost everything is gone. I hate life and wish to stop being worthless, unemployable, scared and alone.