I started my new job a few weeks ago.. it is stressful, however, what i have learned is this::: "Just tell me how to be different in a way that makes sense. To make this go away and disappear. I know that's wrong because it's my responsibility, and I know that things get worse before they get better. I walk around hospital hallways and look at the people. I look at the doctors and wonder why they're here. If they like their jobs. Or us. And I wonder how smart they were when they were 21. Not in a mean way, in a curious way. It's like looking at all the kids here and wondering who's had their heart broken that day. Probably all of them. Why else would they be here? And how they were able to cope with have three therapy sessions and school on top of that. Or wondering who did the heartbreaking and wondering why especially since I know that if they went to another place, the person who had their heart broken would have their heart broken by somebody else. So why does it have to be so personal? It's much easier not to know things sometimes. Things change, and friends leave, but life doesn't stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh, or get mad or maybe shrug at how strange everyone was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to share it with other people. You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead of your and think that counts as love. You just can't. You have to do things. I'm going to do what I want to do I'm going to be who I really am. And I'm going to figure out what that is. And we all could sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what they did or didn't know. I don't know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It's just different. Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it's okay to feel things and be who you are about them. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite..... I feel infinite. " -My journal from last week Deep.