Its 10:19 on Friday night and all I can think about is how great it would be if I just died in my sleep tonight so there would be no pain or guilt of suicide left behind. Who am I? I am a 37 year old mother of 2, a teen age son who is trying so hard to be cool that it is cooling ME and getting him in trouble, also mother to a 10 year old daughter who is simply put NASTY to me 80% of the time. With that being said I love them both more then anything I can explain. THEY are the reason I am alive. I am a wife (sort of if you consider a miserable marriage in which we have not slept in the same room in 2 years being married). I am also a seriously unhappy person who wants so badly to be dead without hurting anyone in the process. Or to be able to make others see the happy and fun person I COULD be if they would just all stop pissing me off. My kids keep me accountable (well my son does). Last week I was annoyed and sarcastically said "I wonder if my stock pile is big enough yet to do the job?" - my son is not at all suicidal or depressed and he looked at me and said if you can I can so just remember that!" Everything seems to come back to money, lack there of. "If I could just win the lotto, then I would be happy". I would not have any worries and people (even my kids) would love me because I can then help them, make them happy. So for now I will keep my stock pile of pills (funny the family knows I have it yet have never tried to take it away, maybe they really wouldn't be as hurt as I think they would) and put them back in the drawer. I just wish every day of my life that WAY back when, 21 years ago when I had no kids to worry about and when I did take so many pills that I was just about there, I soooo wish they did not call the ambulance. Why didn't I just stay in the park? Why did I have to wake up 3 days later full of charcoal? Why couldnt you have just let me die then. I clearly have no purpose here. Sorry if I had a blog I would have posted this there. Just spent most of today crying and needed to type it out.