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Just a long post because I have no where else to vent

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#1
Its 10:19 on Friday night and all I can think about is how great it would be if I just died in my sleep tonight so there would be no pain or guilt of suicide left behind.

Who am I? I am a 37 year old mother of 2, a teen age son who is trying so hard to be cool that it is cooling ME and getting him in trouble, also mother to a 10 year old daughter who is simply put NASTY to me 80% of the time. With that being said I love them both more then anything I can explain. THEY are the reason I am alive. I am a wife (sort of if you consider a miserable marriage in which we have not slept in the same room in 2 years being married).
I am also a seriously unhappy person who wants so badly to be dead without hurting anyone in the process. Or to be able to make others see the happy and fun person I COULD be if they would just all stop pissing me off.

My kids keep me accountable (well my son does). Last week I was annoyed and sarcastically said "I wonder if my stock pile is big enough yet to do the job?" - my son is not at all suicidal or depressed and he looked at me and said if you can I can so just remember that!"

Everything seems to come back to money, lack there of. "If I could just win the lotto, then I would be happy". I would not have any worries and people (even my kids) would love me because I can then help them, make them happy.

So for now I will keep my stock pile of pills (funny the family knows I have it yet have never tried to take it away, maybe they really wouldn't be as hurt as I think they would) and put them back in the drawer.
I just wish every day of my life that WAY back when, 21 years ago when I had no kids to worry about and when I did take so many pills that I was just about there, I soooo wish they did not call the ambulance. Why didn't I just stay in the park? Why did I have to wake up 3 days later full of charcoal?
Why couldnt you have just let me die then. I clearly have no purpose here.

Sorry if I had a blog I would have posted this there. Just spent most of today crying and needed to type it out.
 

total eclipse

SF Friend
Staff Alumni
#3
i think you should throw out the stock pile okay take less pressure off you and your kids knowing they were gone i know it is hard being without but that will make you kids appreciate more when they do have something just me talking from experience of being poor myself hugs to you
 

Sadeyes

Staff Alumni
#4
That is what we are here for...from the sounds of it you are a good mother, something that is quite a lot of work and something you can feel very proud of...and they are a good reason to be here...no matter how much trouble a pre-teen can cause, you can remember that someday, she will grow up and wish her daughter wasn't like her (the threat I was always told)...please keep posting and letting us know what is going on...there are so many ppl here who can relate to what you are saying..big hugs, J
 
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