Just a matter of days

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by Francisca, Oct 7, 2009.

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  1. Francisca

    Francisca New Member

    What makes me still be here?

    I have Borderline Personality Disorder. It was diagnosed after years of being mis treated and mis diagnosed with bipolarity.
    First breakdown was at 17 ending up in the hospital. Anorexia and severe insomnia with risk of heart attack due to vigorexia.

    I have recurrent episodes of anorexia, but besides that self injuring myself is not appealing to me.

    I was a happy girl. I live in a very privileged family, I have anything would ever want while other people in the world are starving which makes me feel guilty but I justify it by saying I'd rather be hungry than feeling my heart is bleeding all day every day.
    I had the most beautiful childhood anybody would want. I'm 25 and my little sister is 24 so we were inseparable. I had the most awesome teenage years. I was so happy, vigorous, full of life.... so I was amongst the most popular girls in highschool.

    Then college started for everybody. I tried but couldn't last 2 months, I started cutting myself and had a breakdown and suicide attempt that led me to a mental hospital to make sure I wouldn't kill myself.
    I have never been able to complete studies since then.

    Now I'm 25. I have no friends, turned my back on all because they didn't understand my sufferment. I have no life. I don't like anything anymore, everything is boring and nothing deserves the effort.

    I discovered two days ago my ex boyfriend who is the love of my life has a new girlfriend. That turned me apart even more. I just can't live knowing he doesn't love me.
    I have no idea of what I'm going to do with my life. I don't want to study and it makes me anxious not to do it since I know I won't be able to make my own living, how will I survive?
    I can't get over my obsession with weight, it eats me away and I can't live with it anymore. I can't dress up to go out because I don't feel attractive. When I feel attractive is when I'm extremely skinny. I wished I could change my mind on that but I can't, I've tried.
    I donb't want to get married, I don't want to meet anybody that isn't my ex boyfriend. But if I were to meet someone, he wouldn't last with me, I've been told too many times how my negativity scares people away and it's true. I'm so scared of ending up my life alone.

    All I do, since I'm not going to college, don't work, don't have a hobby or anything because I don't like anything is be in the computer. It makes me feel so pathetic. People keep saying "but you are young and pretty, you can do so much with your life" they are wrong. I'm BPD and will always be. I am not able to be happy.
    I called my ex last night.... my computer was broken and he fixes them. He said I can biuy you one, money is not a problem and I know you need to chat and play your games.... and after he said that, he said "I'm with my girlfriend and she heard your voice" so I hung up. He was always there for me. Not anymore. I felt so pathetic when he said your chats and games, and his younger girlfriend who has a career listened.

    I'm 25. I have been fighting since I was 17 and nothing is better, it's been 8 years of crying in my room, not going out and being in the computer all day.
    I want things to change and I know that for that I'm the one who has to change, but I can't.
    There is nothing for me to live and I'm strongly determined to end it all, have almost everything ready.

    I would like to hear any word of comfort. I'm really lonely, don't talk to anybody and barely hear human voices.
    I'm sorry, I'm so pathetic.
  2. beforetheworst

    beforetheworst Active Member


    Thanks for sharing that. It sounds like things are extremely difficult for you at the moment.

    I can relate to a lot of that. I was diagnosed with BPD this year. The last 12 months I've just completely gone down hill and crashed. I don't see how I'll ever beat BPD.

    However, there are things that can help. I'm slowly learning. Are you in any therapy at the moment? One that is quite effective in treating BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). It was designed specifically to help those with BPD. It might be worth looking at?

    I'm trying to get into a DBT course at the moment but will have to wait until next year.

    Anyway, if you want to talk I'm here.

    Take care!
  3. Tam

    Tam Well-Known Member

    Hello Francisca,

    It's heartbreaking reading what you wrote. I really wish I had a way of reaching over to you and letting you feel that it's ok, that you can stop hurting now.

    I have to ask - are you seeing a therapist or psychologist at all? And are you taking any meds for the BPD? Both can be pretty useful. And though talking to a therapist isn't the be all and end all of things, it can be helpful just to have someone to talk to about these sorts of things.

    And keep writing here. There are lots of people who are in similar position to you, and lots of people to talk to who will talk back to you - just keep talking! Let us know more about yourself.

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