I don't have much left.
I hate my life and I just don't have any energy to keep on trying. The struggle, the pain, it's all just too much.
I hate my life and I just don't have any energy to keep on trying. The struggle, the pain, it's all just too much.
My Current situation
Health & Hobbies
I started dieting and lost a good amount of weight, exercising more, became physically healthier. Cut out bad habits like binge watching meaningless YouTube videos and removed Facebook from my phone. Started several new hobbies including golf, go karting and ice hockey but it is difficult to afford them with all my outgoing bills. Also depend on my girlfriend or friends to drive me since I do not have a car or license. Struggling to "see the point" of making an effort to be healthy and getting less enjoyment from hobbies.
Relationship
Sizzled out. Feel trapped because if things end she will take 90% of the household items and I won't even be able to afford to buy new essential pieces of furniture. Nevermind the fact that I probably won't even be able to afford the monthly bills.
Friendships
I've made an effort to current and old friendships only to feel disappointed when they let me down. Most often disappointment is they will read my message but don't reply for days. They cancel last minute plans after I've made the effort to take a day off work.
I joined an app called Humble to make new friends. But even though I've been conversing for months with a few people not one has ever resulted in meeting.
Family
I have a mother, a brother and two sisters. They never call or message.
3 years ago, I moved to my new house (60 miles away - 1 hour 20 minutes drive) and only one of them has visited twice. Whereas, I have visited them a dozen times. Last week, I tried to arrange a day at the beach since we had great weather and they live near the beach making it more convenient for them. All of them read my message but only one sister replied saying she could not go because her husband was too tired. That same day, I uploaded some pictures of me and the dogs at the beach and my brother actually replied to my pictures with him and his kids at another local beach on the same day. That pretty much sums it up.
Work & Finances
I livestream video games on Twitch. It started as a hobby because I love playing video games and chatting to people that have common interests. I was making decent money at one point but then my community fell apart because my main games got ruined in an update and I decided to switch games. Now I'm lucky to get $200 a month. At one point, I believed I would be able to go full time but now it just seems so unrealistic. It's not all about the money either. It sucks that many people that I would often chat to daily have simply moved on with their lives, made new friends or they watch other streamers. I've come to realize they're not friends but fans and it's a little difficult to process.
Last year, I got a second job working at a coffee shop. My finances are more stable, I really like coffee and there are some nice customers but...
10 Reasons why the Coffee Shop sucks;
1. Minimum wage, zero prospects and it makes me feel like a hamster on a wheel.
2.Management sucks
- Yet to receive full training. Just learn as I go and make mistakes along the way.
- Get informed of "brand standards" but then told to cut corners to save time.
- The rota gets done on a Thursday so it's difficult to make plans for the weekend. And it occasionally changes without notice so you have to check it the night before each shift.
- Deliveries are frequently missed - No food makes angry customers. We also run out of milk (at a coffee shop!) and have to pop out and buy from the local shop.
- Currently without a manager because she is on salary and they can't afford to bring her back yet so she is still on Furlough.
3. There is always something that is broken
- Ceiling is cracked since flood back in 2019. When it rains heavily it leaks. Dangerous!
- Sink behind the counter since 2019 (used to wash hands before making drinks) gets jammed resulting in wasted water and burning hands.
- Haven't had a glass lid for the chocolate flakes since January 2020. They are just exposed all day and night. Disgusting and ashamed to sell them to customers.
- Bug Zapper broken since March 2020. Lots of flies and wasps in the building makes it uncomfortable.
- Many little important things break daily and it makes the job more stressful that it needs to be.
4. HR sucks:
- Had paycheck concerns and HR told me to figure it out myself. After asking to be forwarded to the pay department, I was told "they don't have time to deal with such matters"
- Staff Discount cards have expired (One of the few perks of the job) I emailed HR and they simply ignored my email.
5. No staff room. Just a small seating area behind the coffee machine that results in customers awkwardly staring or colleges asking you to quickly help out. No time to relax. Alternatively you can go in the back and enjoy the steam and noise from the dishwasher. Going home on a break is not allowed if we only have 2 staff working (in case it gets busy).
6. Furloughed in March 2020 and didn't receive a single update until August 2020 - the week before they wanted me back!
That's 5 months without a single call, text or email to keep me informed or them politely checking on me as a good company should.
7. Staff were "supposed" to get furloughed 80% based on the last 3 months that we worked. That would have been great for me and my other 3 colleges as we all put in 35+ hours each per week (after other members of staff quit) but they then decided we would get paid based on all of our employment instead. So it was half of what I was expecting because I used to be part time.
8. I only want a 20 hour maximum per week but i'm currently working every day of August except 1 day. I can't handle working there EVERY DAY. It is soul destroying. I do not have the energy to work full time AND livestream on Twitch. It is effectively reducing the chances of my Twitch channel growing and decreases income. It also puts stress on relationships, hobbies and other aspects of my life. My managers are aware but refuse to hire more staff.
9. With the new government COVID guidelines, the job is more time consuming and stressful. We have to clean more and social distance from other staff members. So we can't assist each other increasing queue/ drink creation times. Customers get frustrated and overall the job is more tedious. We also have to wear masks that have made my chin break out in a rash. Customers wearing masks are also difficult to understand. This makes polite small talk difficult (highlight of the job) and makes them annoyed when you ask them to repeat themselves. Note: I know these circumstances can't be helped granted we are experiencing an epidemic, it's just life get's shittier each month.
Additional: There are currently no other local opportunities. I don't have a car or a license and can't afford lessons.
Current mindset
Would love to make some friends that appreciate me, start a new relationship, find a new job, learn to drive, have independence and a comfortable lifestyle.
Just a matter of time until all hope is gone and I kill myself.
