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Just a matter of time

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by ozbound, Jan 5, 2010.

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  1. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Been feeling dark and low for a long time now years in fact and up to now have always managed to keep it under control. But now it's starting to get to much I don't know how or why it all started but it did. I find myself trolling sites on the best way to do it < Mod Edit Hazel: Method > I'm not ready to do it yet but i can feel it coming even wrote some of the letters that i need to write today morbid i know. Starting to get my affairs in order as it will be hard enough on the ones i leave behind with out all the extra stuff. And yes I have been to the doctors and am on anti-depressants but there not working going back on Friday see what he says and see if he will try me on something else which I'm willing to try but don't hold out much hope. Does feel better to write some of it down to let others know what's happening to me as I can't tell friends or family so telling strangers is my way of letting someone anyone know how i feel but in truth all roads as far as I can see lead to the same destination. Thanks for reading my ramblings.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 5, 2010
  2. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey I read you post and sorry to hear you feel so bad...I too am having a bad day cause I got triggered - somethings take a long time to change or may never change for me...anyhow I am glad you posted and came to SF.
    If you feel like talking I am here and it would be good for me to get out of my own head for a bit.
    And happy to see you are trying things like anti-depressants and such to get you through this. And you have us now so lots of good things seem to be happening for you...keep up hope and lean on us as much as you need.
  3. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hey it takes up to six weeks for pills to kick in. Ask your doctor about therapy with psychologist talking it out does help. Im glad you are going back your doctors maybe ask him to hospitalize you until you are stable get therapy there and you will be safe from your thoughts until you feel well. I can tell you now you will cause so much pain to the ones left behind. Their lifes will never be the same. You will be passing the pain to them and if there are children the suicide thoughts to them as well. Give it time talk here use this place to release your pain and ask GP to hospitalize you until you feel better do whats right for you and your family okay get help.
  4. Hazel

    Hazel SF & Antiquitie's Friend Staff Alumni

    Hello and welcome to Sf, I'm sorry that you have reached this stage of desperation, I hope that we at sf will be able to support you as you seek help from your doctor to get through this nightmare.
    Here you will be able to speak to people who truly understand because we too have been there.
    As you see I edited your post to remove the method, we are a prolife site and do not allow methods to be posted, please continue to post and seek support from us.

  5. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Thank you for your replies and sorry for posting the method. The truth is I'm not sure whether I want the anti-depressants to work or not it's been going on for so long. And maybe it's just the depression talking now and maybe things will get better but I don't hold out much hope. Thankfully there are no children lost my sister and dad my mums still around and lots of other family. I'm not married I have just come out of a relationship but that's not why I'm feeling the way I feel as I felt like this before and during the relationship. I hold down a good job but I have absolutely no confidence in myself I'm one of these people who goes out with friends but always stays just on the fringe of things don't quiet belong don't know how to let go.
  6. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey Oz, I totally relate to your last post..I don't fit in anywhere...socially or with in my line of work...I have always been different and stayed on the fringe as you have and it takes it toll i know.
    Sorry to hear about your lost relationship, that kind of loss is very painful I know and I still have not put myself back together since my last one 3 years ago but these take time to heal.
    As far as a part of you not wanting the antidepressants to work I get what you are saying but truly believe that is because everything SEEMS so dark and sad right now...please hang in there as hard as it is this feeling can not last forever...in the same way happiness does not stay with 100% of the time so to does sadness and pain pass.
    It is a vicious cycle to be sure but you are strong and have friends now that understand and you can talk to.
  7. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    One of my problems is I have had these feelings for years now with the odd reprieve of a few months here and there but with ever increasing times inbetween. Think I have got to the point where I don't want to be cured or saved as it were as inevitably these feeling will come back just stronger. Woke up this morning fresh snow on the ground looked so peaceful and tranquil out there which just made me feel worse. Will see what the doc has to say Friday but in the meantime will continue to get my affairs in order. Not sure how much more I will post on here as even this is starting to get to me as it feels like all I'm doing now is whining and feeling sorry for myself. Which in truth is exactly what I'm doing I'm 43 and just realised I now sound like a whining 10year old.
  8. Oz,
    I know what you mean about not wanting to be cured or saved, but I don't think its anything to be afraid of. I was able to feel good for a few months last year, and it was wonderful to be able to enjoy life even for a short time. Even though all the agony has come back now, stronger than before as you predict it would for you... I don't feel like I *lost* anything in seeing the nightmare recede for a little while. I'm no less capable of going through with suicide now than I was before, so I'm not really any worse off than I would have been if I'd acted on my feelings and ended it all last May.

    If there's medication you haven't tried yet, then it's worth a shot. Even if it helps briefly but doesn't last, you'll only be back where you are now. It's like someone giving you free chips to play blackjack. You can't lose.
  9. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    I know what your saying and I am willing to try new meds just seems like i'm delaying the enevitable. I think if I had the guts to have done it by now I would have but thats just a matter of time. I find myself thinking and pondering that even when i'm having a half reasonable day it's still crap and my thoughts are always on ending it. Just want some peace and the hurt to stop I am coming to the end of my tether. Don't worry not quiet there yet though.
  10. ozbound

    ozbound Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Was having a half resonable day yesterday until someone decided that they could tell me something that I wasn't ready to hear and obviously didn't consider my feelings. Now it feels like things are spiraling out of control i'm hurt angry and upset and just want it to end. Maybe this weekend now I may get up the courage I feel so utterly desolate and desparate. Seeing the doc this morning but what ever he precribes just won't work quick enough to stop these feelings. I don't know how to go on when I just don't have the will anymore and everyday is becoming more and more of a struggle. I hate life and I hate these feelings.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 8, 2010
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