Just a mindless rant...

Discussion in 'I Have a Question...' started by ~PinkElephants~, Sep 27, 2007.

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  1. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    I feel so tired lately, so weak. I don't want to even leave my bed anymore. I just want to lay here and either sleep or cry. There's so much inside of me and I absolutely hate the fact that I can't just scream it at the top of my lungs. You figure people would be concerned around me with the suicidal, angry poetry and the dark photography, but the truth is they don't want to see. They don't want to take the time to actually look beneath the surface, search behind the smile. If they just asked the smile would falter and the tears would start falling.

    I feel like such a failure. I feel like such a lost cause. I sit here and I think about all that I've been through in the past and than I look at today and I realize that I let every little thing eat away at me. I could have been something, somebody, but it all came crumbling down before my eyes.

    I'm tired of feeling like a stepping stone and then when I put my foot down I get screamed at like I'm some selfish bitch. Truth be told, I very rarely do for me. I say yes to everyone, I say no problem I'll do it, but then when I want to do something for me, it's what the hell Kelly, you don't do anything around here. It kills me inside that they actually use that to break me down because they know damn well that I do everything possible. I have spent two days by myself stacking firewood. My brothers have been around, but it's me that has trucked the wood from one end of the yard, loaded into the trailer, then stacked it on the other side of the yard. What happens when I take a break?? I get screamed at by my dad's **** of a girlfriend, saying that I don't help around this house. The bitch has a lot of nerve since she's here on a freeride, only helping her kids in the house and no one else.

    God, I'm tired. To be honest, I'm sitting here in tears and this will be my method of venting. I will not talk about it past here. I will not cry in front of people or around people. This is my means of letting it out and I guess it will have to suffice. I have no other options. I will paste the smile on and I will be okay. just want to walk away from it all

    I want to take the knife and just cut, cut, cut. I just want to pop the pills and become comfortably numb
  2. Terry

    Terry Antiquities Friend Staff Alumni

    Honestly, you need to get out of that house for at least a few hours a day.
    You are getting more and more depressed. :hug:
  3. Spearmint

    Spearmint Well-Known Member

    I agree with Terrah, Kellz. I think it'd do you some good. :hug:
  4. Puddytat

    Puddytat Well-Known Member

    yeah you need to be in a different environment, easier said then done coz yuo'll probably just get shat on for leaving when theres so much you should be doing. i dont know your situation but cant you just leave? move away, if its causing you so much pain to be there? if not well, maybe finding something enjoyable to do outside would help. go to gym, read a book in a park, create a little breathing space garden for yourself. walk a dog.

    dont feel like you need to keep it all in, there are plenty of ppl here to talk to, me incl.
  5. Blackness

    Blackness Guest

    I could have written these words too hun.
    If people took the time to look they would see that something is up with me. the sad part is I have to hide my phtography, have to hide my poetry i have to hide everything and i hate it. like you i wanna scream till my throat hurts,

    all i wish for is someone to listen to understand. But there is no one, i have no one, im aso alone. anyway being selfish ive gone on about me sorry!

  6. LetItGo

    LetItGo Staff Alumni

    I like the way you got back at her :tongue:, i like your style.

    Im not gonna go on about the things we both know need to happen long term for things to get better, in the short term I just want you to take some strength from the friends you have here, and know one day IT WILL get better.

    :hug: love ya Kells.
  7. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    no job thus car not registered. no car thus no means to get out. no energy, no need really. thanks though.
  8. danni

    danni Chat Buddy

    awww :hug: kellz is there a park near by that you can just walk around? Or some of your friends live close to you and hang with them. Or if there a mall close by you to walk around to look at stuff?
  9. ~PinkElephants~

    ~PinkElephants~ Senior member

    Friends....that's almost laughable. My friends do not exist. I don't talk to anyone. as for a park or a place to go..theres nothing within walking distance.

    Thanks for trying though
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