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dont know, my sis is achieving grate things in live while im still stuck for 2 years in learning dumb stuff and having to work part time to be able to live while my gf is gone for 3 months to do a praktika 400 km away. and i just hate my life....
praktika: german for a cinda job u need to do over some time while actually beeing in school. like a job lookin or something like that ^^
and well that was and i guess will always be the problem i just dont know where i belong to or what i should do. i wanted to go into design and fotography all my life but never got a chance and now i guess i got lead into this direction and cant exsit enymore...
I feel like im continuously dying. Always walking on, but never living. I havent had a sinciere laugh for ages. Is it worth living if you fall apart day by day? Even my gf noticed that i just eat it all in and never tell her any of my troubles. But i grew up taking in all the pain of others. I know the feeling of dragging someone down into the depths of despair and isolation. I dont want others to also bear my pain. but who other then me will bare mine if i cant tell them.
I once searched the happyness within, or at least tried to reach some smile. If it was for me or others i at least tried. now.... i just go on. i dont have the energy or will to even care for that anymore. i just want the lonliness and endless pain to stop. No one sees my troubles. how can no one care to look deep enough to see the aura of death hovering over me. cant they see it...................................................................................... or do they just not care.
sometimes i feel like disapearing... walking of in some direktion, taking the train to some random city. or landscape, just having one last wonderfull tripp before finding some....way....out.....................
I feel lost... ppl say there is so much to live for but i would like to just be left alone and live a quiet life with just a little bit of money and no one to go on my nerves... why work where you get desprit and mad at, for money to live and buy what u need to survive so you can stay working... this is s stupid cicle... i hate this!
depression is a desease. Even if you find happyness. If you cant kill the source of sadness you will never be able to flee its domain. Forever stuck inside of you. it eats away at ur sense of life. and even if u drown urself in happyness, u will know that u are drowning.
The thought of dying, of sudden release of all what hurts is maby not the best way to go. but it definatly works as as path.
Sometimes, beeing alone, would be the best, as it would be easyier to dissapear. The more who know u, the bigger the wave of emotional discompfort for all those who cared. and the harder it is to dissapear.
Not knowing is bliss, but having nobody knowing anything is horror.
sometimes there is need for release. But as you cept it in, to never have others see or feel the pain, u struggle further, alone with urself and whats troubling you, not wanting to share whats been killing you.