Just a rant. No need for replies.

Daddy,
I'm sorry I never was the daughter you wanted me to be
I'm sorry I wasn't like her
I'm sorry I was like you
I'm sorry I never lived up to your expectations
I'm sorry I didn't even live up to your hopes
I'm sorry I was everything you hated
I'm sorry I did everything you hated me doing
I'm sorry I blamed you for her death
I'm sorry I was me.

Sis,
I'm sorry I was never there for you
I'm sorry I didn't push you to talk to me
I'm sorry I wasn't what a sister is supposed to be
I'm sorry I blamed you for his actions
I'm sorry I told you he loved you more
I'm sorry I thought you abused your position
I'm sorry I told you I hated you
I'm sorry I never told you I love you
I'm sorry I was me.

J,
I'm sorry I never stood up for you
I'm sorry I failed you
I'm sorry I blamed you for his actions too
I'm sorry I refused to accept you as a guardian
I'm sorry I refused to listen to you
I'm sorry I was everything you despised
I'm sorry I blamed you for her death
I'm sorry I never appreciated you taking my side
I'm sorry I was the reason you and him had arguements
I'm sorry I wasn't good enough for you to be sticking up for me in the end
I'm sorry I was me.

Drifty,
I'm sorry I never wanted to go for walks with you
I'm sorry I always let others feed you
I'm sorry I never told you I love you
I'm sorry I never see you anymore these days
I'm sorry I can't steel you
I'm sorry I miss you so much
I'm sorry I ever shouted at you for biting/scratching me
I'm sorry I was me

Lesley/Smegma/Fluo/Scratch,
I'm sorry I keep forgetting which one your most recent name is
I'm sorry I can't stop Madeleine from attacking you
I'm sorry I am not nice enough for you
I'm sorry I made you stoned the other day
I'm sorry I don't stroke you as much
I'm sorry I am me.

Madeleine,
I'm sorry I shout at you when you attack Scratch
I'm sorry I yell at you when you hurt me
I'm sorry I ain't the best boss you could have
I'm sorry I use you to cuddle when I feel shit
I'm sorry I am me.

Chrissy,
I'm sorry I am a bad friend
I'm sorry I never get up early and help you
I'm sorry I can't stop SelfHarming
I'm sorry I don't seem to be able to hide my arms from you
I'm sorry I can't stop doing all these bad things
I'm sorry I barely ever help cooking
I'm sorry I don't have enough money to pay for my own food
I'm sorry I am me.

Housemates,
I'm sorry I seem to be that lazy ass to you
I'm sorry I never get up early and do stuff around the house
I'm sorry I didn't hide my arms well enough
I'm sorry I can't stop doing all these bad things
I'm sorry I barely move around
I'm sorry I don't live up to your expectations
I'm sorry I don't live up to my promises
I'm sorry I am me.

----,
I'm sorry I am such a bad ..........
I'm sorry I am so far away
I'm sorry I can't hug you for real
I'm sorry I can't cuddle up to you and tell you everything will be okay
I'm sorry I am afraid to have a negative influence on you
I'm sorry I am such a whinge
I'm sorry I am me.

-----,
I'm sorry I seem to keep hurting you
I'm sorry I am such a bad person
I'm sorry I ever seemed to lie to you
I'm sorry I ever made you think it's all fake
I'm sorry I am a bad friend
I'm sorry I am such a whinge
I'm sorry I am me.

-----,
I'm sorry I let you down
I'm sorry I hurt you
I'm sorry I am as bad as I always said
I'm sorry I have wasted your time
I'm sorry I ever cried out for help to you
I'm sorry I am such a horrible person
I'm sorry I am me.

Other people on SF,
I'm sorry for everything I am and do and say and cause.
I'm sorry for being me.


Everyone
Sorry I am such a burden
Sorry I am Ester
Sorry I am horrible
Sorry I am.... (fill in whatever you want)

just..

SORRY


Me,
I hate you for being a bitch
I hate you for making people believe you are worthwhile and nice
I hate you for hurting people
I hate you for lying to yourself
I hate you for having secrets
I hate you for coming here
I hate you for not believing the people that told you bad things about yourself, straight away
I hate you for ever having felt okay with yourself
I hate you for ever having felt as though you're worthwhile
I hate you for ever having felt as if you deserved to live
I hate you for not having killed yourself yet
I hate you for being alive.

 

gah! yOu fucking worthless bitch!!! Now you've done it again!!! You can't even fucking help a friend in need, can ya??!!! yOU're fucking worthless, good for nothing, but being everything that's bad!!!

Yes you, Ester, I'm talking to you, you fucking worthless piece of shit. You're fucking SCUM! <mod edit> can't get a single thing right can ya!?? All you seem to be fucking good at is hurting and upsetting the people you love!!!!

It's all there and ready and you even manage to fucking fail THAT!!! now how pathetic are you!!??? ye fucking bitch, just get it fucking over with .. deeper, deeper , deeper. is it that hard you fucking bitch?

God if you're mother would have been still alive, she would fucking despise you! her own fucking daughter cant even manage to put a stop to the suffering of the people around her. Her own fucking daughter is a failure at everything EVEN at killing herself.
Not to mention S. What the fuck will she be thinking??!!!


You're fucking worthless, Ester, yes, worthless. He is right in the way he treats you and so is she. All you're good for is the fucking money. Well not long anymore, is it? lol what will they do once you run out of money? hehe then they will come and get your stuff one by one, starting with your laptop. they will sell it so that they can fucking buy themselves a plasma tv. oh no wait they already bought that recently. hmm what about another stereo. I'm sure they can use a new one. yeh. you know what.. they are fucking right. everyone who's ever told you how worthless you are is fucking right. lol. Strange how you only really realize that the last months.

Funny how you've fucking changed, Ester. You have been kinda nice to people, but as soon as you started realizing how much of a worthless bitch you are, you started acting like one. hehe.

Well fine. Almost everything ready. Not everything's lost yet. You can still try it. whehe.


Your mum and S. are fucking laughing at what a pathetic worthless piece of shit you are. Can you fucking hear them ? No? Cos I sure as hell can. I fucking HEAR them laughing at what a pathetic pathetic piece of scum you are.
Even fails to kill herself, ha. It's one big laugh. You're a fucking joke, Ester, a fucking joke.


Just do the things, make the arrangements and get it fucking over with before the end of the week, Ester. If you feel this fucking urge to be a laugh for S and your Mum, then fucking do it right and let them laugh at you in person.
The torture will never end.
HA HA HA, fucking scum is what you are Es, the fucking lowest of the lowest of the lowest worthless piece of crap on earth. Just finish it already. The world cant take you any longer.

 

and since when does every little fucking comment related to brain dead issues trigger you??!!! For fuck sake grow up, stupid woman! She's gone, dead. let it fucking go already! And stop being the pussy you are, just fucking face it and fucking go visit that fucking grave. I don't care about the fucking money issues, you can't even fucking pay for a trip to the cemetary where your mother's buried? what kind of fucking daughter are you!!!!?????
BY all means, WALK there if necessary. Just grab your fucking bike first thing tomorrow and go there by bike. I don't care if it'll take you 2 days to get there, I don't fucking care, just fucking grow up and be a fucking decent daughter and fucking VISIT that grave.

Oh you're afraid.. Oh you poor fucking baby, afraid to run into your dad or other relatives?? FUCK THAT! You fucking got yourself into this fucking situation, you handle it and get yourself out of it, you fucking bitch!!!


You haven't fucking been there for over a fucking year, what kind of fucking daughter does that!!!??? What kind of fucking daughter are you!!?? No fucking wonder she hates you. WHo wouldn't fucking despise you. Everyone is disgusted by you.

*sigh*


:cry:
You're a fucking monster
:cry:

 

wow that was quite the slap in my face :cry:

:cry: :cry: :cry:

and there isn't even a fucking thing I can fucking do!

GAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH FUCK THIS FUCKING SHITASS WORLD

and fuckme, the fucking miserable, pathetic, lowest scumbag in the world.

 

Screw you , Ester, you deserve this all. This and every bit of pain in the fucking world.

And stop fucking swearing as much as you do, it's not getting you anywhere.

And stop whining for god's sake. You're a pathetic piece of crap, just accept it already. Stop fucking fighting against the truth.


Please, Ester, just get it over with. Stop thinking about how much it'd hurt *some* people and just do it. In the end everyone would be better off.


Just... Do... It...


Pathetic worthless, piece of shit. Scumbag. Just fuck off already and end it. Get it over with , please.

 

jeez, Est, when will you stop ranting at yourself? When will you stop doing all this? Will you ever stop it?

Yes you will, it's about time.
Oh well, just continue all the arrangements, there's so much to take care of, just hurry up and get on with it.
You'll be fine, Ester. It'll all be fine. Just take care of what you have to take care of.

At least you *kind of* discussed it already with the most important person, so that's over and done with. Now get on with everything and pray it'll all work out for the best.

And stop the fucking blabbin, it's not getting you anywhere, for fuck's sake!

 

gah Ester, for fuck's sake, it can't be that hard. you've been staring at this damn computerscreen for what... 3 hours now, can't you just get on with what you are supposed to do?? JuST FUCKING DO IT already, blalabla I know it's difficult

oh just fuck off, ya piece of shit. just fuck off will ya. just fuck offffffff

 

Why won't all these "new" people in your life see what your old friends see? why won't they just run away from you as well?

why won't just everyone get out of my life? it'd make it easier, thats for sure..

:dry:

 

oh for god sake, father! What the hell am I supposed to do with you! what the hell am I supposed to say to you! What the hell am I supposed to write to you

I want this letter to be NICE, I really want it to be nice because by the time you read it you won't be in a condition to deal with an angry letter, but why won't the fucking NICE words roll out of my hands. why do only angry spitefull words roll out of my hands??!!

What have I done? :cry:

 

okay guess I'll have to be the strong one for once and do this. Block em all. Block them. They don't need your pathetic ass around.

Just do not leave this thread. Do no post anywhere anymore but in this thread.

and stop being nice to people, stop offering support and virtual hugs, they'll only start liking you. You want them to see the bitch the others have seen? Then stop being nice!

Thank you bitch


Mum, I need you :cry:

 

ok that's it. That's it. Now I've fucking done it :cry: :cry:

fuck sake, how STUPID can I fucking be.
I'm a fucking murderer yet again :cry:


Mama, help me, please, give me the strength I need, please. :cry: :cry:

 

*sigh* Ester, just...

just...


argh. just write! Fucking wite it! fucking just write it!
Dear dad & J.
it isn't that hard to fucking write is it!!!! just ...
and stop writing here, stop wasting bandwith.

:cry:

and stop crying, you little whinge. jUst fuck off already.

 

:hug: Hang in there hun. Please don't hurt yourself. No one wants that.

 

Esttttttttttttt. :hug:

 

it's fucking friday already, jeez fucking time goes way too fast!

and for fuck sake, get a grip, ester, get a fucking grip!


jesus, just fucking GET A GRIP!!!

stop talking to people, stop talking at all for fuck sake, your fucking mouth should be fucking glued, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and talk to fucking NOBODY. You don't deserve compassion, you don't deserve love, you don't deserve friendship!! I FUCKING HATE YOU and it's about fucking time everyone else did too!!


Ester, just get everything over with and stop wasting people's time and space and stop talking to people. You don't deserve anything more than any other murderer and criminal, you are twice as bad as them all together.


Just fuck off, Ester, just fuck off and shut up.

 

Salutem, Ester!

Es femina bona. Noli arbitrari hoc...
Populi amant te!

:hug:

You know my MSN if you need to talk.

 

gah I'm driving myself mucking fad!!!

my mind is everywhere and it can't seem to stop being everywhere.

Someone please come :whack: me head or just shoot me or whatever, please, cos I'm driving meself nutz here.


All I want to do is sleep and get this wucking feekend over with!!

The weekend needs to pass right now.

gah. kill me. now. i deserve it. I'm a horrible person. Ask anyone whom I've been close to, they'll know how evil I've become.

I've become this spiteful, evil, horrible person. it's just not Ester anymore. I dont know what happened to the good ol' Est. She just seems to have disappeared. Now what the fuck am I supposed to do? get high again? cos that seemed to be working all this time. Looks like the people who ever liked me only knew me when I'm high, cos I've been like this .... monster.. eversince I went cucking fold turkey on drugs and alcohol. I'm not even craving for it at this very moment.

No right now I'm just craving for that fucking knife on me arms and for that fucking flesh to burn :cry:

 

oh and Caz, Jess, Eva, thanks for your replies :hug:

 

:hug: Going cold turkey on anything seems to change alot of things, but most of the time it mostly changes how we think about ourselves. Hang in there hunny :hug:

 

Thanks for your reply RSA, but the way I feel has nothing to do with that. Well maybe partially, but I mainly just feel this way cos of.... other reasons.


*sigh* It's almost saturday.

4 flatmates left already until Monday and Tuesday, now all I can do is hope that the other 2 will also leave until at least Sunday evening

I just want to be alone this weekend. I need to be alone this weekend.