God, how I hate life. I wonder if parents really knew how miserable it could be if they would continue to have children. But when you are young you tend to think life is a pretty good deal so you create more. But as you get older, you realize how much life sucks. And when you reach the 'golden years', well they sure as hell ain't golden. It seems life is all about pain and suffering. I used to visit a 97 year old friend of mine. He said that as you get older all you have are memories. He died during the lock down. Could not visit him. No funeral. No goodbyes. How many of us are experiencing that these days.
I have brought most of my suffering on myself. Never cared about myself. Treated myself like shit. So my body is getting its revenge. So is my mind. I had planned on dying years ago. But it did not work out that way. And I have not been able to find the courage, or desperation to end it myself. Not yet anyway. So now my health sucks, I have little money and live alone. And you are not supposed to go near people these days. Hell, even my brother will not touch me. I barely got an elbow bump out of him. We are really expected to live this way! It's inhuman. I will say no more on this because I don't want to violate the rules.
And it seems that it is those who want to live who wind up dying. Is that fair? A friend from church lost a 20 year battle with cancer lately. She want to live! She was only 62. And those of us who want to die wind up continuing on with a life we hate and don't value at all. But I guess no one ever promised that life would be fair. I know that the people I envy most are those who have died. Especially those who have died quickly and with minimal pain. There aren't very many of those!
And with little money I continue to work well into retirement years. What do I do? I work at a finance company. One of my tasks is to prepare documents to sue people for not paying and place writs on their wages. Some people buy stuff without ever planning to pay for it. They deserve the suits. But think of all those who have lost their jobs recently. Another sign of the misery life brings.
Anyway, I will stop now. I know how difficult it can be to read long posts. Thank you for taking time to read this one.
I have brought most of my suffering on myself. Never cared about myself. Treated myself like shit. So my body is getting its revenge. So is my mind. I had planned on dying years ago. But it did not work out that way. And I have not been able to find the courage, or desperation to end it myself. Not yet anyway. So now my health sucks, I have little money and live alone. And you are not supposed to go near people these days. Hell, even my brother will not touch me. I barely got an elbow bump out of him. We are really expected to live this way! It's inhuman. I will say no more on this because I don't want to violate the rules.
And it seems that it is those who want to live who wind up dying. Is that fair? A friend from church lost a 20 year battle with cancer lately. She want to live! She was only 62. And those of us who want to die wind up continuing on with a life we hate and don't value at all. But I guess no one ever promised that life would be fair. I know that the people I envy most are those who have died. Especially those who have died quickly and with minimal pain. There aren't very many of those!
And with little money I continue to work well into retirement years. What do I do? I work at a finance company. One of my tasks is to prepare documents to sue people for not paying and place writs on their wages. Some people buy stuff without ever planning to pay for it. They deserve the suits. But think of all those who have lost their jobs recently. Another sign of the misery life brings.
Anyway, I will stop now. I know how difficult it can be to read long posts. Thank you for taking time to read this one.