just a rant

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Terra, Dec 22, 2010.

  1. Terra

    Terra Well-Known Member

    I'm done with pretending that everything is ok. Even here I lie about how I feel, not once have I a written something without BS. This is a warning of a long rant, and I understand if you don't care to/want to read it all. Most people don't come here to listen to other peoples troubles anyway;

    So that I don't start lying or try to be funny I will write it in very short sentences/points/paragraphs.

    First memory I have of my father is him yelling at me and my sister because the heat on the toilet is a notch higher than usual. He then goes to lock us in the bathroom for 30minutes so that we "can feel" how it's like.

    some time after (when I was around 6) my parents divorce and me and my sister move out with our mother - here follows the happiest time of my life.

    due to shared custody we spend one week at each parent's house, and each time we are with our father we get yelled at for not being completely silent/doing the dishes/wash the floor/clean dust - any of it would do really.

    my mother tell me the only reason she got me was to have someone for my sister to play with. (although it was meant playfully, it still hurt)

    when I'm 12 my mother decides to move in with another man, it takes about 4 days from her telling us to we are actually living in his house (across the street from my dad's house).

    My mother and her new love decides to buy a farm far away, me not wanting anything to do with my father moves with them. My sister is too scared of the reactions from my father and stays.

    living at the farm, I don't have any friends or way of contacting the world, my mother only cares about the the new man and I'm pretty much alone in my room for a year.

    we had horses, and they where my two closest friends. I fell off once and hurt my arm, but I didn't want to tell anyone. Next day the school sendt alone me to the closest hospital (1.5h away) for x-rays. I got home about an hour after normal that day, but nobody asked why and I didn't tell anyone where I had been. nothing was broken and even I could afford what little it was to pay for it.

    after a year I'm told that I'm not wanted to stay with them anymore, I'm not good enough at cleaning my room, wich put stress on my mother's boyfriend.

    back at my father's house we continue to get yelled at, much more than before. I'm also being yelled at by my sister because it's all my fault for making him angry.

    We spend every second weekend at the farm now, one time my sister decides not to go. My mom also get urgent bussiness and have to leave for a day. The next morning her boyfriend tell me I was sleepwalking and "came up to him wanting to 'play'". He manages to convince me of this, and that he obviously have no blame. My mom comes back this day and he go back to normal. now I'm 14.

    for about a year after this life goes as usual, I'm being called gross by my sister because I have a skin condition that makes my legs itch and open with fairly large wounds. Nobody ask about it, or say anything else than 'don't scratch it' or 'put some lotion on'.

    then when we are visiting the farm again, my mom and now step-father have married. Without telling us offcourse, and as we drive up to the farm-house my mom turn around and say 'oh by the way, we don't have any animals anymore' wich was the only reason I still wanted to go there, and the only real friends I had.

    nothing really significant happened after this, I got very obsessed with sex and ended up with the wrong type of boys a few times. But managed to get out of it.

    I got my own dog, one that nobody else could sell or give off, by my father. And living with him became pretty alright.

    I managed to fall of a rock in the backyard and break my ancle, unable to walk I lied in the snow for about 10min with my father sitting and wathing tv just a few meters away. I didn't want to call out but managed to crawl to the door after a while. He got worried, but I put up a smile and said it was nothing serious. He went to bed, and got me a cruth the next day.

    I went to school, did the housework and walked the dog as usual, if abit slower, and when I went to the doctor (about2 weeks after) I was told it was nothing they could do since it was already so swollen and started healing.

    I'm not sure what I'm trying to say with this, I have no reason to post it. But for once I just want someone to know what I actually grew up with. Alot of people have it worse, actually most people have it worse, and yet I feel the need to complain. sorry for the rant^^; but in deciding to stop being fake, I need to do it completly.
  2. gakky1

    gakky1 Well-Known Member

    Don't worry about ranting, I should do more of that, it sometimes helps or is a good start. Perhaps you could go to the diary section and really start letting lose.:cool: Thanks for sharing.
  3. KittyGirl

    KittyGirl Well-Known Member

    Do you feel any better after saying all of that?
    Sounds like a load off to me!
    It takes alot of bravery to admit all of that, and I think you did very well expressing yourself.
  4. Illusion

    Illusion Well-Known Member

    Don't feel sorry about ranting. I bet that got a lot off your chest. I know doing a good long rant always does the same with me.
  5. Terra

    Terra Well-Known Member

    Ty for answering guys :)
    I guess I just needed to get it out this once, because I'm really not a person to dwell on the past. I just had my moments when I was abit down, and suddenly got very depressed when I thought of everything at the same time. It helps that 'somebody knows'.
    Now I feel like I can finally put the past where it belongs, and move forward abit. I've told what I've kept secret, and nothing bad happened ^-^