Just a REALLY long rant about a bunch of stuff

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by Kaibaxx, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. Kaibaxx

    Kaibaxx Member

    (TL;DR below.)

    Okay, I don't know if I'm doing this correctly, but right now, I really need to get a bunch of stuff off my chest, and while I may have friends, I don't exactly feel comfortable talking to them about this kind of stuff, as they have similar problems, and I don't want to trigger them off... so I thought, that maybe, finding some sort of forum on the internet where I can rant to strangers, would help me instead. So, yeah, here I am.

    But anyway, where the do I begin with all this?

    Lately, I've been feeling incredibility low - which, in truth, isn't really unusual for me - and I've been contemplating killing myself - again, not unusual - but it's honestly so frustrating. I have good friends, who are really supportive and caring, and - as ridiculous as it sounds - I've somewhat devoted myself to taking care of them, and making sure that they're okay (even if that means risking my mental health, which, I know, is somewhat stupid.)

    So this brings me to an annoying predicament. My self-loathing, along with all the stupid stuff that's happened to me this year (I'll cover that it a moment) is constantly trying to saw through this tether that keeps me going. I feel trapped, and as much as I want this depression - or whatever it is I have - to go away, I know at the same time it's not that easy. I want help, but at the same time, I just don't see the point in asking for it, if I'm only going to end up feeling suicidal again anyway. At least, that's how it feels.

    As for why I feel this way, there's many reasons (I'm trying really hard to stop the self-loathing from setting in right now, haha.)

    I guess it's starts from when I was little. When I was around the age of three or four or so, I ended up doing some things I shouldn't of, with two older boys (whose ages I can't remember, but they must of been early teens.) And well, I've told people about this, and they've told me that it's... well... rape, I still can't shake this feeling of guilt - as if it's my fault - when really, I was around the age of three. There's no way I knew what I was doing, and there's no way I could consent properly, yet still, I feel like guilt weighing down on me. I guess I should go to therapy or something to help with this, but I really don't see the point in it? I don't remember their names, what they look like, or anything, other than the fact that their mother was a friend of my mother, and I recently turned 16. This must of happened around... I don't know, 12 years ago? Bleh. Can't do maths, haha.

    And then after that, I was constantly being bullied for being different, which I now know, is due to my autism. Something me and my mother had no clue about until I started secondary school, and started to refuse to go. A social worker came round, and all that fun stuff, and after two years I was finally diagnosed with Autism and Social Anxiety and statemented to go to the school I go now (which is much more suited to my needs, and where I've met all my really cool friends.)

    Life was decent for a few years, other than the fact that me, my mother, and our dog all lived in a really horrible flat, with bad leaks and damp, and freezing cold bedrooms we couldn't use, and the fact my mother's health was increasingly going downhill. During this time, I attempted suicide, but (of course) never succeeded, and never really told anyone other than my online friends about it.

    Around his time last year, my mother was diagnosed with cancer in the stomach. It had already spread to her lungs, and some of her other organs. Me and my older half brother were hopeful, as well as the rest of my family. But her health decreased quickly. She was going in and out of hospital. Plenty of A & E visits. Her care in the hospitals she went to were horrible. She ended up passing away last September.

    I had already started to live with my brother before she had passed, but things got worse and worse. My brother and his wife work a large amount, and they have three children of their own to look after. I felt worse and worse, especially with my GCSE's which were going to happen, and I ended up refusing to go to school, and both my brother and his wife ended up having a go at me. I stayed at home the whole day, while they went to work, and the kids went to school, and basically slept (since they had taken away my laptop as a punishment, which is basically my only form of coping mechanism.) They later awoke me that evening, discussed house rules they were going to put in place (one of which was access to my laptop and phone during certain hours, which I simply can not cope with at all, since I need my laptop to distract myself.) I had a melt down, got upset, said I didn't want to live with them anymore, grabbed a knife, wanted to cut myself. They called an ambulance, sat in hospital for a few days, and lo and behold, I ended up in fostercare.

    That dog I mentioned? I also had to give her up. Another coping mechanism of mine. She's a beautiful Staffordshire Bull Terrier called Taz. Loveliest dog ever. I don't know who she's with now, but I hope she's happy with her new family, she really helped get me through a lot of stuff (which is probably really dumb, considering the fact I'm talking about a dog, haha...)

    But, I'm still in fostercare to this day. I live with a nice family, which is good, and I still see my brother and his family, as well as my other family members from time to time, but fostercare... it just... sucks being here. I can't have a pet, which is really annoying, but at least I've got my laptop and plenty of drawing paper and pens to keep me company, and I'm allowed to go out and see my friends, which is really cool.

    Did my GSCE's, failed most of those, got to retake most of them next year, which will be fun.
    My school mentor, who is basically someone I'm able to talk about my problems, and all that, is leaving, and won't be coming back in September. She's the only staff member I really trust enough to talk to at my school, and she's helped me through all the stupid stuff that's happened so far, and I just... I don't know what I'm going to do without her. She said she'd give my aunt her email for me, but, it's still really painful. In the past, I've got on really well with a lot of teachers at my school, and it's broken me every time they've left, whether they're the Maths teacher, or the English teacher, or just a learning support assistant.

    My ex broke up with me a while ago. Feeling really bad about that, since he's a jerk, and I shouldn't care, but I do. I don't talk to him, but a friend of mine does, and yeah. He's in a mental hospital for trying to kill himself, and all that and, I can't help but be worried about him? But like I said, he's a total jerk, and I just really need to move on, but I'm really struggling. It just feels like my entire life is going to be full of losses. So yeah.

    And then there's just self loathing. I'm decent looking - I guess - but my weight really bothers me, as I'm really skinny - definitely underweight. I'm 16, and I think I'm around 5'5 in height. I weigh 42kg. My arms are so horribly skinny, and my wrists are so small. And then, well, I really hate my face. And on top of this, I'm pretty sure I've got genital herpes, which is just brilliant, isn't it? Haha...

    ____

    I think I'm going to stop here. My post is gigantic.
    Congratulations if you managed to be bothered to read through all of that.

    TL;DR:
    Feel suicidal (as usual), basically raped when I was really young (isn't this great already), bullied until the age of 12 pretty much, diagnosed with autism and social anxiety, statemented to a really cool school, made cool friends, mum diagnosed with cancer, mum passed away, lived with my brother, ended up feeling suicidal say I don't want to live with him anymore, sent to hospital, sent into fostercare, dog is sent to a pound (basically) and lives with a new family, still in fostercare, trusted staff member at school is leaving, ex problems, self loathing (I really dislike myself), and also I'm sure I've got genital herpes, so yeah, there you go. =)

    I don't know anymore.
    Feel free to ignore this - there's no need to reply - I mainly just wanted to get this all of my chest.

    Thanks.
    -Kaibaxx.
     
  2. SinisterKid

    SinisterKid Safety & Support SF Supporter

    I read every fascinating word of it, thanks for sharing. Basically, welcome to SF, we dont do "ignore this" kind of thing around here because we all care and support each other in whatever way we can or whichever way is needed.

    I am deeply sorry for the loss of your mother and your dog Taz. I love Staffies, been around them most of my life. Not the devil dogs half the media make them out to be.

    Personally, I would go and get confirmation [or not] of herpes, just so you know for sure and are not just assuming anything.

    But glad you felt you have found somewhere you felt comfortable getting all this "off your chest" and I hope you hang around, get to know a few of us and keep posting about issues and problems that are personal to you.
     
  3. Kaibaxx

    Kaibaxx Member

    Thank you very much for the support, it's nice to hear from someone.
    I really appreciate it.
    Thank you also for the welcome.

    I'll keep that in mind, sorry, haha. Wasn't quite sure what to say. I'll be sure to do my bit as well and try and help out. < 3
    Thank you again. I'm really struggling with it (if you can't tell), but it's slowly getting easier, which is certainly a good thing.

    And yeah, I need to go and visit the doctors. It's super difficult for me though. I really don't like going. I don't know if it's a phobia or just my anxiety, but anything medical related (doctors, dentists, hospitals, etc... especially getting vaccines.) are so horrible and I really struggle to have panic attacks, and then there's of course the whole stigma to do with herpes and I just feel really anxious about it all, and bleh. : p

    Well, posting here has definitely helped me a lot already, so I'm going to try and stick around if I can.
     
  4. Striking

    Striking Well-Known Member

    You have a number of good reasons to avoid, but avoidance provides no answers.

    Open to the possibilities that are available to you. You'll likely only lose your fear.
     
  5. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Do not worry about ranting or long passages. If it helps you to release the pain or express your feelings, then please do so. We are here to give you support and we will try our best to help you. Take care and most important be safe.
     
  6. WhoaThisPlaceIsScary

    WhoaThisPlaceIsScary Well-Known Member

    Holy...You've been through alot but you are blessed with a sense of humor about it.You will make it through all of these trying times and become a really strong person.The teenage years are ruff...it's ok.You should remember these people you live with are trying to help you..that's really amazing.Respect them for that if anything..and respect yourself.Message me anytime.
     
  7. Sarah171

    Sarah171 Member

    I'm so sorry you have experienced so much pain and trauma in your life. I'm glad you have experienced some good relationships in your life with people you trust that you could talk too. I hope you continue to find more.

    I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother, that's very hard to go through. I'm also sorry you had to part with your dog. I'm a huge animal person so I understand the pain of that. I know you mentioned you aren't allowed to have a pet in your foster home but perhaps you could volunteer for a rescue or shelter. Animals are a really huge help, at least they have been for me.

    Please don't ever feel like what happened to you when you were a toddler was your fault. The human brain (the logical thinking part) is not fully developed until about age 11-13 years which is why it's illegal to leave children under that age at home alone. In other words, we don't truly understand what's happening especially at such a young age as your experience so please don't blame yourself. Something happened to me when I was 15 years old and without my even realizing why, I too struggled with social anxiety for over 10 years after the incident. I recently went to counseling and it helped me so immensely, I encourage you to give it a try. I wish I had gone sooner.
    I sincerely wish you the best. :)