Just a stupid rant..

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Kiba, Mar 11, 2011.

  1. Kiba

    Kiba Well-Known Member

    I can't stop going through all this shit in my head.. I don't understand it all.. I want to die most of the time and feel like there is nothing but myself stopping it.

    I guess to put some history, I've been suicidal and attempting suicide since I was 15.. Basically Since the day after I joined this site..

    Anyway... I had to take this morning after pill to prevent myself from getting pregnant Monday night.. Due to this guy who was a jerk.. bleh... anyway... The pill has caused me some problems, being the regular side effects.. plus nose bleeds that have caused me to practically pass out and have increased my mood / emotional swaps / whatever you want to call them.. Making me extremely suicidal at times..

    So yea.. there you go.. that part.. And so.. I went to the ER really early this morning (had been putting it off) to get check out etc.. And I really didn't want to go, but the freaking advice nurse said I needed to.. I had left them a message about the medicine I took and side effects, etc.. Yea.. btw the med I took is called Levonorgestrel...

    Bleh.. The problem is.. I'm not sure if I needed to take it for one.. and second, I don't EVER get periods unless I take a birth control or progesterone hormone.. The thing is, I don't take either regularly, as they cause severe migraines and make me extremely suicidal... So yea.. The last time I took one was near Thanksgiving.. The endocrinologist said they wanted me to take a progesterone pill to see if I'd have a period.. Well yea.. I had one.. with a freaking migraine and other crap.. Anyway..

    I guess I'm adding more detail then I need to, but it is a rant so what the hell...

    Yea.. So back to ER... I went to the hospital this morning and basically all the did was give me a prescription for nausea medication and told me to leave.. hm.. well I guess its better then last time, when the social worker told me I didn't have PTSD because I couldn't explain WHY I had PTSD.. as well as told my dad I was lying to him about having PTSD... hm.. then sent me home empty handed.. sigh..

    On top of that, this time around the freaking Hospital doctors made some comment / joke about someone having unprotected sex and getting payed for it then taking a morning after pill.. (This was overheard) sigh...

    I think they hate me.. And I guess I can't blame them.. After going to the same freaking hospital a billion times for suicide attempts since age 15 (Im almost 20 now), I guess they don't give a shit..

    But now them calling me a lier basically is making me question myself.. Am I really seeing reality the way the world does?? Am I just so fucked up?? Am I even alive?? Do I exist?? Am I a lier?? Am I seeing things?? Are my memories and perceptions being screwed with?? Am I just paranoid??

    And I question... Who can I trust?? Who even believes me?? Really?? What is the point??

    After getting home from the hospital that showed me out at about 4:30am.. telling me to find my own way home.. and waiting for freaking buses to start running... I went to sleep.. Yea.. normal right?? Well.. I went to bed.. And then I woke up in this confusing mix I can't explain.. I was a mix of voices and feelings.. As well as thoughts.. It was extremely confusing.. I had control, and at the same time, I didn't.. It was a mix of I think 3 separate voices / people / whatever you want to call it.. And It was like living in a nightmare... I felt terribly sick.. Nothing made sense.. I texted someone in this state telling them I felt really sick.. But only 1 part of me really felt the really awful sickness part of it.. Its like.. one person was extremely suicidal and felt sick as hell while I was kinda just there confused.. the other was tired as hell..

    I guess eventually I went back to bed.. But I just don't understand myself.. I feel like a freak..

    I don't blame anyone who doesn't believe me.. But I'm telling the truth.. sigh... I guess the truth isn't very believable..

    I'm trying hard, to stay safe.. But the moods and everything are simply crushing on me.. I feel as though I have to prove myself about everything cuz ppl tell me I'm a lier.. And then I have all the crap with the jerk... Right now, I have death anniversaries coming up.. My brothers death, my aunts death, and my first pets death.. so hey.. Why not add a billion more things.. Make me break.. I'm just waiting for it all to kill me..

    Idk.. I'm so mixed.. sigh... Parts of me flip flop between extremely suicidal, to almost a hyper loopy state.. And then to anger.. I just don't know what is going on.. I guess right now all I can expect is most likely if my period is produced by the medication I took, a really bad migraine..

    So there is my rant I suppose... Believe me or not.. I guess it doesn't matter.. Since it feels like no one believes me..
  2. itmahanh

    itmahanh Senior Member & Antiquities Friend

    Well I believe in you. And the comment that was made was down right out of place and rude. How unprofessional by someone who is called a professional!!!!

    Have you ever been professionally diagnosed hun? Sounds like you could suffer from bi-polar disorder. The mood swings from depressed and suicidal to manic loopy. With treatment it can make the swings more manageable.

    Wow I know what you mean about the agonies that your periods bring on. I used to get stoned literally on T3's just to try and manage the cramps. Regularly ended up in the hospital because of them.

    Just wanted to reply so that you know someone else knows how you're feeling and that I understand. But most importantly that you know someone does believe you hun :arms: