I can't stop going through all this shit in my head.. I don't understand it all.. I want to die most of the time and feel like there is nothing but myself stopping it. I guess to put some history, I've been suicidal and attempting suicide since I was 15.. Basically Since the day after I joined this site.. Anyway... I had to take this morning after pill to prevent myself from getting pregnant Monday night.. Due to this guy who was a jerk.. bleh... anyway... The pill has caused me some problems, being the regular side effects.. plus nose bleeds that have caused me to practically pass out and have increased my mood / emotional swaps / whatever you want to call them.. Making me extremely suicidal at times.. So yea.. there you go.. that part.. And so.. I went to the ER really early this morning (had been putting it off) to get check out etc.. And I really didn't want to go, but the freaking advice nurse said I needed to.. I had left them a message about the medicine I took and side effects, etc.. Yea.. btw the med I took is called Levonorgestrel... Bleh.. The problem is.. I'm not sure if I needed to take it for one.. and second, I don't EVER get periods unless I take a birth control or progesterone hormone.. The thing is, I don't take either regularly, as they cause severe migraines and make me extremely suicidal... So yea.. The last time I took one was near Thanksgiving.. The endocrinologist said they wanted me to take a progesterone pill to see if I'd have a period.. Well yea.. I had one.. with a freaking migraine and other crap.. Anyway.. I guess I'm adding more detail then I need to, but it is a rant so what the hell... Yea.. So back to ER... I went to the hospital this morning and basically all the did was give me a prescription for nausea medication and told me to leave.. hm.. well I guess its better then last time, when the social worker told me I didn't have PTSD because I couldn't explain WHY I had PTSD.. as well as told my dad I was lying to him about having PTSD... hm.. then sent me home empty handed.. sigh.. On top of that, this time around the freaking Hospital doctors made some comment / joke about someone having unprotected sex and getting payed for it then taking a morning after pill.. (This was overheard) sigh... I think they hate me.. And I guess I can't blame them.. After going to the same freaking hospital a billion times for suicide attempts since age 15 (Im almost 20 now), I guess they don't give a shit.. But now them calling me a lier basically is making me question myself.. Am I really seeing reality the way the world does?? Am I just so fucked up?? Am I even alive?? Do I exist?? Am I a lier?? Am I seeing things?? Are my memories and perceptions being screwed with?? Am I just paranoid?? And I question... Who can I trust?? Who even believes me?? Really?? What is the point?? After getting home from the hospital that showed me out at about 4:30am.. telling me to find my own way home.. and waiting for freaking buses to start running... I went to sleep.. Yea.. normal right?? Well.. I went to bed.. And then I woke up in this confusing mix I can't explain.. I was a mix of voices and feelings.. As well as thoughts.. It was extremely confusing.. I had control, and at the same time, I didn't.. It was a mix of I think 3 separate voices / people / whatever you want to call it.. And It was like living in a nightmare... I felt terribly sick.. Nothing made sense.. I texted someone in this state telling them I felt really sick.. But only 1 part of me really felt the really awful sickness part of it.. Its like.. one person was extremely suicidal and felt sick as hell while I was kinda just there confused.. the other was tired as hell.. I guess eventually I went back to bed.. But I just don't understand myself.. I feel like a freak.. I don't blame anyone who doesn't believe me.. But I'm telling the truth.. sigh... I guess the truth isn't very believable.. I'm trying hard, to stay safe.. But the moods and everything are simply crushing on me.. I feel as though I have to prove myself about everything cuz ppl tell me I'm a lier.. And then I have all the crap with the jerk... Right now, I have death anniversaries coming up.. My brothers death, my aunts death, and my first pets death.. so hey.. Why not add a billion more things.. Make me break.. I'm just waiting for it all to kill me.. Idk.. I'm so mixed.. sigh... Parts of me flip flop between extremely suicidal, to almost a hyper loopy state.. And then to anger.. I just don't know what is going on.. I guess right now all I can expect is most likely if my period is produced by the medication I took, a really bad migraine.. So there is my rant I suppose... Believe me or not.. I guess it doesn't matter.. Since it feels like no one believes me..