Just a title.

[Tweaks]

A depression..
I can't explain it..
But i think it will always follow you.
Not if your around people then u have another face..but when you are alone, just being inner in your self.. nothin around that can interupt you and just a feeling of nothing inside just being a useless piece of shit laying on the couch.
You all don't know what happends and stuff but i already saw too much of the world that i don't wanna see..
I tryed to talk with people about my depression but i think they just ignored it or they just think he will be fine cause he can already talk bout it's life his troubles he had and stuff..but it isn't it keeps following me.. it will always return and i don't know how to stop it.
I think it's impossible..It's easy to talk bout it..but it hurts like hell inside.
But no one sees it.

 

[Blackness]

I know EXACTLY how you feel hun :hug:
you described it perfectly.

I wish depression was like a broken arm, where everyone could see it, and they'd sympathise for it too, watch it heal with you, help you out, even sign the cast, people could understand the bone needed to heal.

but with depression, hardly anyone understands it, they cant see it, ppl think you're crazy, they dont wanna help they wanna ignore

 

[Puddytat]

I know EXACTLY how you feel hun :hug:
you described it perfectly.

I wish depression was like a broken arm, where everyone could see it, and they'd sympathise for it too, watch it heal with you, help you out, even sign the cast, people could understand the bone needed to heal.

but with depression, hardly anyone understands it, they cant see it, ppl think you're crazy, they dont wanna help they wanna ignore

DITTO

weird u said that, sometimes i think if i just broke my arm, everything would be better in my life, i know thats impossible but i guess that would explain how ppl feel when they cut.

 

[Tweaks]

Hey,

It's been a while that i came on here.
I will make this my own lil blog on here so i dont have to make new topics.

I'm now in a relationship it's a good relationship tho, I only see her at weekends and holiday's.
I'm still not happy inside and i know im very jealouse.
Sometimes i think that i didn't had to get a relationship cause im worriering so much really.
I know she isn't cheating on me now but i have a weird feeling she will brake up in the future or cheat on me. But on the other way if im with her i feel like happy and safe.
It's always when im alone at home and keep thinking about her 24/7.

I have another secret really for her, i know she wants a baby and i told her to wait till i finished my school so i have some more money.
I want to have a baby to so badly but i know alot of things will change then.
I think if i have my own baby i would be happier then now and i know i can take care of the baby.

If you wanna know how long im with her i'm on 1 december a year with her.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
The past:

I already told you all a little bit how i felt on that moment.
Nothing really changed tho, but i will write here something about my past.

First when i was a little kid i saw my stephfather hitting my mom and it never got out of my memory. It's the first thing i kept remembering of my young years (I was like 5 years old).
Since then i really don't like male people i hate people that are hitting their girls/wife.

When i was 15 i closed myself off the world, I didn't go to school i was only sitting behind my computer chatting and playing games.
When i was 17 my mom got a date on the internet with a guy from America.
My mom wanted first that he came to The Netherlands so she wouldn't take any risks. I didn't know that before till i heard a male in my house and i was like wtf is he doing here.
But i could accept it later on.
My mom got one time in a fight with him and she came to my work and told me that she wanted to get rid of him. so with a police he was going back to the USA.
3 Days later when i came outta my work he was back my mom and him talked and came out of it, i still have no idea why she did that.
on the 9th of January 2005 we were going to the airport and we would go to America. I was looking at the stores there on the airport cause we stayed there in a hotel for a night.
And my mom and him had another fight i don't know about what anymore and he left the hotel and i asked my mom what happend and stuff and she said we will stay in the netherlands.
But they talked to eachother again and we moved to America.

First i thought he had a house and stuff but on the 11th January 2005 i noticed that he was a homeless person and we only stayed in hotels and eating at fastfood stores.
My mom and him got alot of fights and most of them was about me.
He wanted to get rid of me, and wanted to leave me in LA.
And i didn't know what to do there.
We lived on my moms money what she took from the netherlands it was like 13.000 Euro's. and that's alot i didn't knew it first but he was the one spending it.
He bought a car and a laptop and all kinds of stuff.
I was never allowed to be in the hotel room were we stayed and i needed to go outside all day long.
I felt so depressed and stuff i didn't know what to do anymore.
I saw alot tho like Venice beach and gamerooms.
In Februari my mom married that guy in Las Vegas and they were all day long in their hotel room and he still didn't worked there. They married in a drive in.
Las Vegas was cool tho i really liked it there.but i was just 18 so i couldn't gamble. but it was amazing to be there.
We only stayed a week there and get back to LA.
In Los Angeles I start writing some suicide notes to let people know how i felt and why i was gonna kill myself.
But my mom found out and she didn't said anything i just told her i wanna go back to The Netherlands and she agreed with me that it was better to do.

A couple days later i got robbed of my wallet and my cellphone with a gun on my head and my back. It was a mexican and a black person.
You wanna know what i felt, i didn't care i already got no emotions anymore in my body. It was like here you go i just gave it to them.
And i told my mom and him about it and they called the police and i didn't cry i wasn't in shock i was like yeah and now? but nothing happend after that.

End of Febraury i started to work to get money for the flight ticket cause i needed to pay for it myself.
And on 5th of March 2005 i came back to the Netherlands.
It didn't ended there but i stop writing cause you got now enough to read.

It's just in short what i writed here, and maybe i need to write a book bout it but im not sure of that. (In dutch i would write it because that would be easier for me).

Now you know a lil bit of my life.

 

[wuzzy]

maybe you need your sins forgiven?
to be free of guilt?