just a try

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by following, Jul 22, 2015.

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  1. following

    following New Member

    hello

    I'm not looking for your condolences or hope giving messages. Also please don't try changing how I view this world, it's more solid than anything. I'm just making this last attempt at finding whatever reason to carry on, I'm almost certain that I won't be given that here, but I think I should still try.

    About my state. It's quite grotesque really. Some stupid joke made by life, that's kinda what I am. Throughout my entire life I never had the ability to connect with people in any way. I was unable to feel remorse when I hurt someone, I didn't care when they were in pain, I just didn't care at all. I didn't hate people, I just couldn't understand how they were able to connect with each other. This goes for my family as well. I'm just unable to love them or care for them and I have no idea why. I don't have any real friends, but I never felt the need to have any. I'm able to sort of fake all the social interactions that are unaviodable, but I don't even care for any of that anymore.

    I never thought that could change. Honestly I didn't want it to. Being like the rest seemed... complicated, from my POV. My state even had its advantages, I was able to succeed under 'emotional' stress where others failed because it affected them, but not me.

    But it did change.. someone came along and found something I never even knew was there. I don't know how, but I fell in love with her and immediately understood all the fuss about this I never had the ability to make any sense of until now. It ALL started to make sense, I finally had a goal: to live for someone else. It was so beautiful I couldn't concentrate on anything else. But I wouldn't be posting here if it had all worked out. I got rejected. A normal person should've accepted this and moved on. But not me.. this is all I had, there's nothing left, I gave her everything I had. And without someone to live for, it's just useless. If you can give me any reason to continue any of this, I will. Otherwise, I'll go and correct the mistake I am.

    thanks for listening. reading. whatever.
     
  2. jjb

    jjb New Member

    Sorry to read about your pain....life is complicated and relationships sometimes, even more complicated. The fact that someone came into to your life and completely changed your perspective could be a life lesson to help you understand that there can also be others that can do the same in the future.
     
  3. Cooki

    Cooki Well-Known Member

    Hello following :)
    While I read your post I realized that it's kind of exactly the way it is with me. I fake emotions to seem like the others and I talk like I think another person would talk in this situation. I don't really seem to be able to "connect" with people either. And then there was a guy whom I actually felt love for and I didn't ever want to lose him because he was the only one I ever felt something for. And then he left me because he found a girl in his grade to be with. I'm still not over him although that's more than two and a half years ago and I have a new boyfriend (whom I don't feel the same for.. or anything similar). My motivation to stay alive is hope. I still hope that either my ex might come back to me again at some point or I might find someone I also can feel something for. There are like 8 billion people out there and about half of them is female. There MUST be a second girl you can live for happily.
     
  4. following

    following New Member

    how are you able to do that?!? how can you live in a fake relationship when you even got together with that one person?? you have it even worse than me, how were you able to stand up after that?? you're amazing...

    I've had a few relationships, I mean I guess I'm attractive enough to get randomly hit on. and it worked out well for a while.. some girl would come up to me, tell me she liked me, I'd get together with her because she was hot enough and, well, an animal like me still got its needs, then after a while she'd dump me when she realized i'd never have any feelings for her, in fact, that she'll never really know who - or what - i am. I'd let her go and don't give a fuck, wait for the next one. I hurt many people this way and just didn't care... maybe this is my punishment now, fuck knows.

    but after her... I don't think I'll ever feel this again. More accurately these feelings I have now will never go away. whoever comes next will be unable to get through to me, because I won't stop thinking about her. she's all I think about. 24/7. please tell me how you do it... or how should I start looking.
    omg I never would've thought someone might actually understand this!!
     
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