hello I'm not looking for your condolences or hope giving messages. Also please don't try changing how I view this world, it's more solid than anything. I'm just making this last attempt at finding whatever reason to carry on, I'm almost certain that I won't be given that here, but I think I should still try. About my state. It's quite grotesque really. Some stupid joke made by life, that's kinda what I am. Throughout my entire life I never had the ability to connect with people in any way. I was unable to feel remorse when I hurt someone, I didn't care when they were in pain, I just didn't care at all. I didn't hate people, I just couldn't understand how they were able to connect with each other. This goes for my family as well. I'm just unable to love them or care for them and I have no idea why. I don't have any real friends, but I never felt the need to have any. I'm able to sort of fake all the social interactions that are unaviodable, but I don't even care for any of that anymore. I never thought that could change. Honestly I didn't want it to. Being like the rest seemed... complicated, from my POV. My state even had its advantages, I was able to succeed under 'emotional' stress where others failed because it affected them, but not me. But it did change.. someone came along and found something I never even knew was there. I don't know how, but I fell in love with her and immediately understood all the fuss about this I never had the ability to make any sense of until now. It ALL started to make sense, I finally had a goal: to live for someone else. It was so beautiful I couldn't concentrate on anything else. But I wouldn't be posting here if it had all worked out. I got rejected. A normal person should've accepted this and moved on. But not me.. this is all I had, there's nothing left, I gave her everything I had. And without someone to live for, it's just useless. If you can give me any reason to continue any of this, I will. Otherwise, I'll go and correct the mistake I am. thanks for listening. reading. whatever.