I've had issues with anxiety my entire life. I managed to push it away through most of middle and high school, but as I go through my second year of college it's beginning to get to me. Probably one of the biggest frustrations is the fact that I can't talk to anyone. It doesn't help that I'm deathly shy and talking anyone, especially girls, is impossible for me. Recently I took a car ride with a girl I really like back from college. She's the opposite of me - friendly, socially outgoing, nothing can go wrong now or in the future. Being next to her for eight hours made me ask myself why I continue to dredge out my existence when there's nothing in store for me. Why work for something I can't have? Won't have? It seems as though my depressive episodes come in waves, and every time the wave comes back it hits me even harder. Yesterday I woke up wishing I was dead, and if I had the materials to do it, I probably would have. Every time I have a panic attack, I open up the file I have of my plan to die (obviously it needs to be spot on the first time), and embed it in my head a little bit more. I'm seeing a therapist/psychiatrist, but telling me to take deep breaths and baths with bath salts doesn't really get me anywhere. I'm about to start meds, but I'm not holding my breath for anything. Can't do the support group thing, it conflicts with my class schedule. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading this dumb little vent.