Just a witch

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Jun 1, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    How else can I describe myself when all I want right now is for this to be over?

    I don't want you to go through more tests and to get our hopes up again and more treatments for you to think all will be okay. I can't do this. Is it okay to depend on me to know all the information that you need? I wish you had taken more of a role in all of this.

    I feel like I'm stuck in limbo - I can't plan anything - heck I can hardly get out of the house. Its not your fault, its just the way it is. What am I meant to do if I can't work for another while? We can't survive on zero dollars. And now you think you're going to walk again on your own after today - how can I not lie to you and agree? What am I meant to say? The truth that you won't acknowledge?

    What would that do to our non-disease communication?

    And the docs give you a few weeks but then change their minds a week later and say well maybe a couple of months. I know its an unknown factor - and its not necessarily their fault they can't say - I am aware of this. They just need to communicate better and more effectively.

    I can't try to be this strong person for you anymore. I can barely keep myself afloat this week. Your mood is down, I am so sorry for you, my heart breaks with this situation. You are my soul mate, we always just knew that. But now, things are different. It doesn't mean I love you less, its just different. And I don't know why you are treating me as you are now. It hurts me, yet it always comes back to being my fault.

    This is all just bringing me back to some years ago. There is something familiar about whats going on between you and me. It scares me and perhaps that is what is triggering me recently. But now, instead of being emotional and physical, its just emotional.

    Its the disease, I'm pretty sure, that has had such an effect on you to make you this way. I'm so sorry I can't seem to make you happy anymore no matter what I do. I'm so sorry that everything I try to do just doesn't seem good enough.

    I would take this disease from you if I could, I would rather have it instead of you. I acknowlege that I cannot comprehend what you are going through in your mind. How scared you must be knowing your life can be measured in weeks and maybe months. But we don't talk about this meaningful stuff, you've not wanted to all this time. I've accepted it finally but it makes things difficult for me.

    I'm ultimately sorry that "us" is disappearing before me.

    The last few days have been really hard. I've been emotional but I always hide it well from you. I've tried to reach out for help but its hard for me to call as you are here. What am I meant to do?

    I don't know about calling my T - what can they do? Its not like I'm in crises - or am I? I might tomorrow, but then what do I say? I'm having a bad day, a bad week? Are you kidding? Stupid. But, I have no one else right now. And you seem to scoff at me seeing my T - its not helpful to me for you to have this attitude. Yet there are times when you are supportive.

    I feel like I'm losing it. Those overwhelming feelings are all piling on top of me and am scared that I won't be able to climb back out of this hole.

    But somehow I'll have to show the world that I can do all of this, I can handle all of this - because thats what I do. So of course no one is bothered because I don't share. But how can I share when trust is difficult? And how can I trust when the number of acquaintances in my life can be counted in single digits?

    I just don't know what i'm meant to do to get through this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jun 1, 2011
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    I think reaching out to your therapist is important and you say whatever it is that come to mind okay Therapist will understand and can help get you thru the tough moments hugs
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Thanks TE for responding.

    I think I scared folks off by this post :) yikes.

  4. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    i recognise alot of me in your post hun You are not a witch just someone suffering in silence hugs to you
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    And, for the record.

    F you W.

    F you M.

    Thanks so much for the abuse, how special you have made my life and me.

    Or did you? Isn't it just me thats all messed up?

    And S - my love to you, always. I'm sorry the disease and ourselves f'ed it up. I am truly sorry for not making you happy anymore.

    I am just sorry, end of story.
  6. tweetypie

    tweetypie Antiquities Friend

    Hi :) ive only just seen this post or i would have responded sooner. It is not possible to find words to console you and all i can do is offer the hand of friendship whenever and however you need it to be xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
  7. peacelovingguy

    peacelovingguy Well-Known Member

    I'm sure your not a witch - unless you have two fiends either side cackling and chopping up toads and mushrooms.

    Sorry to see you feeling so down - you doubtless have reasons insomuch as you seem to be caring for a partner with a terminal illness, unless I've misread things.

    I have no such experience nursing any lovers or losing any in that way - but I can imagine how it would feel and empathise with you.

    Hope you find the strength to be able to cope.

    Good luck and God bless.

    From England, as ever, with love.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    My sincere gratitude to you both.