Hey Guys, Today must be the day. I woke up and I never felt this kind of void before, which is strange because I have these depressive phases frequently but I never felt that empty as I did today. Almost everything went bad the last days, I grant, and I really think the only person who's to blame for that is myself. So far as I recall my depressions started 2010/2011. Last year I started medication abuse, knocked myself out for a couple times, couldn't sleep and also added alcohol. It never really worked, I woke up with aches and mostly nausea which made me feel vastly sadder. The only thing that remained was depletion. I know exactly how scared I was I almost thought of every method to do it I am done with falling in these deep holes, waiting and hoping to get out as soon as possible. And if I'm out the only thing I am doing is asking myself when the next hole will appear and how long and when will it stop for ever? I decided to wrote a letter to a girl I love since 3 years, and she really loves me alot but it is not as easy as it sounds. She lives far away and when I heared that she made out with another guy we broke contact for 1 year. Afterwards we started having contact again untill now but it's not the same as back then and I feel like I'm losing the ability to love and I don't feel loved anymore, I never thought of something like that but it's happening and I lost hope I always fought for and I just can say, I wanna die, I finally do and I really have nothing to live for. My parents are divorced, I am going down at school because of all this, I lost that girl and kinda lose many friends. I barely can sleep. I am afraid of going to bed, I just can't close my eyes, I can't concentrate on anything. I hoped these suicidal thoughts dissapear but no, nothing. I am not sure if I really send that letter to her, because it's too much to tell and if I write I also think of the time with her what makes me cry. 17 years were enough, I've never improved. There is no sense for my life to be found.