just ahead of ending it

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by zeroloss, Apr 8, 2013.

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  1. zeroloss

    zeroloss Member

    Hey Guys,

    Today must be the day. I woke up and I never felt this kind of void before, which is strange because I have these depressive phases frequently but I never felt that empty as I did today. Almost everything went bad the last days, I grant, and I really think the only person who's to blame for that is myself. So far as I recall my depressions started 2010/2011. Last year I started medication abuse, knocked myself out for a couple times, couldn't sleep and also added alcohol. It never really worked, I woke up with aches and mostly nausea which made me feel vastly sadder. The only thing that remained was depletion. I know exactly how scared I was I almost thought of every method to do it

    I am done with falling in these deep holes, waiting and hoping to get out as soon as possible. And if I'm out the only thing I am doing is asking myself when the next hole will appear and how long and when will it stop for ever? I decided to wrote a letter to a girl I love since 3 years, and she really loves me alot but it is not as easy as it sounds. She lives far away and when I heared that she made out with another guy we broke contact for 1 year. Afterwards we started having contact again untill now but it's not the same as back then and I feel like I'm losing the ability to love and I don't feel loved anymore, I never thought of something like that but it's happening and I lost hope I always fought for and I just can say, I wanna die, I finally do and I really have nothing to live for. My parents are divorced, I am going down at school because of all this, I lost that girl and kinda lose many friends. I barely can sleep. I am afraid of going to bed, I just can't close my eyes, I can't concentrate on anything. I hoped these suicidal thoughts dissapear but no, nothing.

    I am not sure if I really send that letter to her, because it's too much to tell and if I write I also think of the time with her what makes me cry. 17 years were enough, I've never improved. There is no sense for my life to be found.
  2. Sadeyes

    Sadeyes Staff Alumni

    Hi and welcome...I am so sorry you feel this way, but also glad you found us...you do not say in your post what treatments you have tried since your dx with depression 3 years ago. Is there a counseling service at your university that might be helpful? Your parents' divorce on top of the other things you have experienced seems like a lot to deal with on one's own...please continue to post and let us know how you are doing and welcome again
  3. HelgasAngel

    HelgasAngel Well-Known Member

    YOU have to decide if this really is The End. If it is, then you'll do what you feel you must. Nobody else can make that decision for you. If you truly feel as if you are a lost cause.........but if you think your life can change, change it. No amount of advice can change it for you. Move on from that girl for starters. I know you must love her but you have to put yourself before her. Don't let your feelings for her hold you hostage. You control them. They do not control you. She's obviously moved on from you so you should move on from her. I don't know if you're an introvert or what but if you aren't then make new friends. The only friends you ever lose are those who were never your friend at all. Unless, of course you completely fucked up your relationship with them. lol but if they left by their own volition, say because you were too much to handle for all of your emotional turmoil, forget them. Make new friends. Your parents divorce may affect you, but that is their business. Concentrate on things you can control. That happened, and now its over. Focus on YOU. Point is, you're going to have suck it up and just...do the opposite of what you cannot currently do.

    Lost that girl? Forget girls right now and focus on you. Or if you're really desperate for a girl's love, find another. Plenty out there.

    Can barely sleep? Take sleeping pills or fight through the difficulty of going to sleep.

    Going down at school? Speak with your school counselor. Talk to your teachers about how you feel. Maybe they can work something out. An academic plan that won't get you the best grades, but won't be so rigorous so you won't have too much to handle if things are becoming overwhelming.

    Lost friends? Make new ones.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 8, 2013
  4. Perfect Melancholy

    Perfect Melancholy SF Friend

    I have to say on the whole although easier said then done, this is really good advice. And there's people here you can vent too as well to help you get through this bad patch
  5. zeroloss

    zeroloss Member

    I've never tried treatments and to be honest I'm afraid to. I might get sectioned and not be able to continue at least this year what I really want to avoid. I can't think of how I should repeat a whole year if they tell me that I'd need to get sectioned. And there's no counseling service either, never heard of one. Seems like whatever I'd chose to help me, it won't just work out well for me.
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