I feel so alone. I'm still not sure how I'm going to cope over the coming weeks. I have done something awful and it just reiterates the type of person I am. Fortunately the other person wised up, correctly backed out of communication. All I wanted was some friends. Nothing new. But friends for me is a difficult concept. To trust or not to trust? And my personality has been shaped by events in my life so I will approach friendship differently, very differently. I want folks to like me so will put it all out there, bad move. Very bad move, but nothing new. Its always that longing for protectiveness I think too, for something I never had until my current partner. To get away from abusive relationships of all kinds. But I will push folks away in my own manner too, I will go overboard and test them. It was just me being me. Its my modus operandi. And now with her leaving this earth in the coming months, I was scared. I am stupid to even think what was said and expressed was true. I am angry with myself. I wish to hurt myself and have done so the past few days, it has been quite a long time since I've done that. Why can't I learn from the past, why can't I accept not to try? But now, right now, I need company & comfort. I am so scared. So moving forward - do I stay on SF? Its my only outlet at this time, and I need an outlet, just something. How else am I going to keep moving forward? How else can I get through this? I am not being honest with those IRL as I'm protecting myself, showing them all just how strong I am to cope with all of this. Its a joke. I am not coping. Why can't people see through me after all these years? And how will I survive financially right now? I have no clue. So where do I seek and gain comfort and support? Just from myself it seems, how I am going to achieve that I have no idea. Fabulous - just fabulous 'ol me.