Just Alone

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by MoAnamCara, Apr 24, 2011.

  1. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I feel so alone.

    I'm still not sure how I'm going to cope over the coming weeks.

    I have done something awful and it just reiterates the type of person I am.

    Fortunately the other person wised up, correctly backed out of communication.

    All I wanted was some friends. Nothing new.

    But friends for me is a difficult concept. To trust or not to trust? And my personality has been shaped by events in my life so I will approach friendship differently, very differently. I want folks to like me so will put it all out there, bad move. Very bad move, but nothing new.

    Its always that longing for protectiveness I think too, for something I never had until my current partner. To get away from abusive relationships of all kinds. But I will push folks away in my own manner too, I will go overboard and test them. It was just me being me. Its my modus operandi.

    And now with her leaving this earth in the coming months, I was scared.

    I am stupid to even think what was said and expressed was true. I am angry with myself. I wish to hurt myself and have done so the past few days, it has been quite a long time since I've done that.

    Why can't I learn from the past, why can't I accept not to try?

    But now, right now, I need company & comfort. I am so scared.

    So moving forward - do I stay on SF? Its my only outlet at this time, and I need an outlet, just something.

    How else am I going to keep moving forward? How else can I get through this? I am not being honest with those IRL as I'm protecting myself, showing them all just how strong I am to cope with all of this. Its a joke. I am not coping. Why can't people see through me after all these years?

    And how will I survive financially right now? I have no clue.

    So where do I seek and gain comfort and support? Just from myself it seems, how I am going to achieve that I have no idea.
    Fabulous - just fabulous 'ol me.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 25, 2011
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    i'm sorry you are feeling so low

    i don't know what you did but i hope you can forgive yourself. we all make mistakes. sounds like you are dealing wiht many difficult issues right now. give yourself a break.

    i hope you aren't thinking of leaving SF. i enjoy your posts. i hope we can help support you as you move forward.
  3. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    dazzle - thank you so much for your response, much appreciated tonight.

    take care.
  4. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    dont leave SF...you give a life line to others in same boat, l understand the way things are for you are hard...but you need somewhere to vent and what better place than here...you vent and you make people realise that they are not the only ones to feel the same way and it gives them hope. life will never be easy but dont make it harder by giving up...hold on and let us all support each other. take care :hug:
  5. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    thanks for caring.
  6. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Yup you stay here with us okay you can pm me anytime post vent let out the sadness and pain here where we all understand hugs to you:hugtackles::hugtackles:
  7. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I am exhausted. This is the first time chilling today.

    I hate not feeling good enough, for being inpatient, for being unable to deal with this better, for the lack of support, for watching her disintegrate before my eyes, for losing us, for all our future dreams being squashed, for people not really understanding what we're going through, for having to bathe and dress her, for not knowing when things will take another turn for the worse, for those who said they'd be there for me but lecture me now instead, for being so scared and for being completely helpless to make things better.

    Mostly, I hate cancer.

    And those who tell you to live each day, to be strong etc.

    My strength is running out, I feel like I'm existing on reserves.

    I feel alone. I hate feeling so vulnerable.

    I hate this, hate it.
  8. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    When the reality of it all hits, it feels like it takes my breath away.

    Lots of questions - how and why and when.
  9. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    feeling weak and vulnerable is horrible, but thats just what they are, feelings. i can say this in hindsight, but they are no less destructive. feelings of any nature can overwhelm and damage you so dont feel bad for your feelings, they are what makes us human.

    you are going through a very difficult time atm, and you will have very little control over your feelings, exhaustion will eat into all your reserves and magnify how you feel, so dont feel bad...just try and take what little time you can to detox your thoughts, rant and rave here...but dont let them eat you up (easier said than done i know). All you can do is your best but you have to try and take a little time out for yourself (i know this now). i wont say be strong, just be a little selfish and get away from your circumstances if you can for a short while each day. :hug:
  10. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist


    Thank you... am really, really trying.
  11. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    I can't do this, I just can't.

    Tonight I'm struggling. Was okay earlier but I think reality hit again a little while ago. I still feel like theres something stuck in my throat not letting me breath right, but I know there really isn't.

    Am so wired, jittery, dizzy - I hate feeling this way.

    I feel like I can't get my breath even though I can.

    I know this will pass in time but getting worked up over it all isn't helping me right now.

    I was a bit better a few minutes ago but then my mind goes there and it starts over.

    Just feeling scared here, nothing new.
  12. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    you dont need me to tell you that you seem to be having bad anxiety attacks, there is nothing you can do and its horrible the way they come from nowhere. you get can meds for those but in the meantime, my psych tells me to breathe slowly and deeply to soothe my system, sometimes the simplest things can give you a rest.

    you cant deal with what you are without getting some scars...its really dreadful to watch someone fade and suffer in front of you but you can give them comfort and make them feel better so try and remember that for now. people sometimes dont want to say anything for fear of seeming to judge you or saying the wrong thing so dont think too badly if people dont see that you are struggling, it just shows how well you are covering up. can you get help from hospice or something to take some pressure off? do you have a social worker you can turn to for help?

  13. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    icequeen -

    It'll all be okay. Thanks for your thoughts.

    Take care.
  14. starryeyed

    starryeyed Well-Known Member

    You can talk to me anytime you like
    Im messed up and a psycho but Ill do my best
    Youre not alone
    you can pm me and if you want my msn you can have it
    You were the first person to help me here and Im grateful
    sorry if i dont answer your posts ,im all over the place
  15. icequeen

    icequeen Well-Known Member

    hope you feel slightly better today, be kind to yourself, even just a little, one good thing in a sea of misery can just keep you afloat:cheekkiss:
  16. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Today was good, tonight isn't so hot.

    What is it with moods and how quickly our spirits can nose dive?

    Tomorrow is D day so perhaps that reality is setting in.

    I completely lost it a while ago, which I haven't done in a long, long time. A couple of stupid things happened and I just got so damn angry and I grabbed a plastic mixing bowl and slammed the bloody thing against the wall until it was broken. Then of course the chest pains followed and now the breathing issues.

    I should be happy I didn't choose to sh but i'm not happy. I'm frustrated and sad and angry and bloody alone in dealing with all of this.

    I'm most frustrated at my own behavior - just stupid.
  17. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Don't really know what to say anymore or what difference it makes what I say or where I say it or even if its worth to say anything at all. Is this helping or hindering?

    I suppose when your communication options are limited, its better than nothing. Its funny how those you think are your friends in RL suddenly take a hike when shit hits the fan, family drives you insane and you cut yourself off in a way from their opinions.

    It seems that when we think we are getting somewhere right now we end up running into brick walls. I'm not sure if I have the energy to keep getting pounded, smashed and hurt.

    And funnily, no one knows how I am feeling. They have no clue. Why? Because I haven't told them? Because they don't seem to want to bother to find out? Or because I am closing myself off? Perhaps the latter as things are normally my fault anyhow.

    I am sick of being the peacemaker in the family. I can't deal with it right now. Can't they understand this? Can't they see that telling me that what I am going through they have already experienced is of no help to me? Of course its because I'm really not that important in their eyes, nothing new there and why do I even expect it to be different from any other time?

    Am glad I live far, far away.

    Its funny how we yearn for the things we don't have and will never experience.

    We can look at our past years through rose tinted glasses. We manage to remember only the good things for the most part. But every now and then we remember the reality and it can hit like a tonne of bricks. Even back then I was longing for something unattainable.

    Always have searched and searched for what I feel is missing, but have never been successful in finding whatever "that" is. We can't relive our childhood - is that it? We can't take away our mistakes - is that it? We can't go back and be better people - perhaps that is it?

    I wish I knew.

    Eventually, though, I always seem to return to the conclusion that its just me. No abuse, alcoholism or disease were the cause of "me". I am just "me".

    An emotionally fragile person, yet one who acts so strong for others. One who hurts so deeply, yet hides it deep within. One who is so scared, but shows anger instead. One who is inexplicably lonely, yet who continues to exude a nonchalant attitude. One who has been hurt over and over yet who foolishly tries to continue on.

    One who hates oneself and wants out.
  18. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    word your words could be mine i connect them we cannot undue the past we cannot even live for the future right now all we can do is live in the present Each day i take what is before me and i deal with it i like you pillar for so many but that pillar is eroding crumbling No they do not see your pain or mine because they are to wrapped in their own pain.
    You know only you know i get that the suffering the loneliness the darkness you feel noone cares You have to make them aware you have to get help YOU have to look after YOU that is something i am just learning after so many years that we just have to stop and say enough it is our turn to get help now

    i hear your words i can so relate but just know you are not alone okay you aren't but please please time for YOu now okay reach out and get all the help you deserve you been needing get it now okay today the present that is all we can live for for now hugs
  19. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

  20. MoAnamCara

    MoAnamCara SF Artist

    Total Eclipse - thank you, as always, for your reassuring words. It is difficult for me at this time to be able to do things for myself and its something I am struggling with - this feeling of being trapped.

    Your words regarding other's pain is quite true and when I think of this unfortunately it makes me feel rather self absorbed. I know others in RL and here have their own issues and there are times that I just don't share with folks because I feel it won't help them deal with what they have to in their own lives (hope this makes sense).

    And in RL I will not tell people whats going on, how I am feeling. Its sad (looking from the outside in, and perhaps rather silly) but its just how I am. In many ways I do not wish to show my vulnerability as doing so previously has not helped me.

    I truly appreciate you taking the time to respond and I hope that you are well.

    Thank you also Stranger1 -

    I am trying to control myself with breathing techniques and I find them helpful, yet when I stop then I get back to where I was. Its being able to maintain that calmness that eludes me. I'm really trying and I think at times I do become frustrated with myself because I can't control myself (getting the attacks). I know I need to be gentle with me, as I would tell others, however I don't always follow my own advice!

    I had forgotten or had a brain fart regarding visualizations and its something I should try to get back to practicing. Thanks for the reminder.

    I hope you all take care, and I am sorry to continuously spout incomprehensible garble here.