I cant shake it. Maybe because I made a promise to myself. Maybe because the date is definite but yet so vague. I dont know. The days just are. They come and they end. And each one seems the same as the previous. Everything sits there ready, but I made a promise. Even if it is just to me, I dont break promises, I dont lie. So I fight the urge to just do it. Keep telling myself that the day will come soon. That if I jump it I'll screw up my kids financally stable future. And that is all I have each day. So I exist but I dont. I dont know. But I do know I appreciate all the support and care that has been given despite my failure to return the same. You are what I define as true friends. Your pms and posts are deeply appreciated. Thank you.