Just an Addict

Discussion in 'Self Harm & Substance Abuse' started by ReclusiveDragon, Feb 5, 2015.

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  1. ReclusiveDragon

    ReclusiveDragon New Member

    I'm a very solitary person. I don't have many friends, and the ones I have are at a distance. I have no interest in social media, and, on the occasions that I agree to be dragged out, I usually spend the latter half of my evening reading my kindle. This is my first time ever talking about 90% of what I'm about to say, so I'm sorry if it's long and/or jumbled. I don't even necessarily need or expect anyone to read it: I'm not in any real danger or trouble, to don't feel pressured.

    I was a good student in high school: top grades, head boy, but I hated school all the same; most people knew it. I graduated in 2010, full of hope, wonder, and the overwhelming peace that accompanied my parents' promise of God's promise that there was a plan for my life.

    I love my parents, they are some of the kindest, keenest people in the land, and they are pastors of the charismatic Christian persuasion who run a church, while both working at a non-profit organisation as well. Their teachings and beliefs were impressed upon me until 2012, when, in my second year of a BSc in Computer Science, several changes happened almost simultaneously. I began dating my third girlfriend, who sadly suffered at my proceeding decline; she has happily moved, thankfully. I started on anti-depressants after seeing a doctor about my mood at the end of an unfulfilling December holiday, as well as sleeping tablets, which became my first vice. My parents left our current church and started their own, and at the same time, lost their lives' savings after a poor decision on the stock market; together, they caused my unqualified mother to get a job as a temp "Councellor" at the NPO I mentioned, and rise over the next three years to become one of the chief executives and very busy, and with that they caused my father to become depressed, overworked, and bewildered at the lack of people interested in joining his church. Perhaps most importantly, my growing thirst for knowledge had me spending countless hours on Wikipedia and other academic sites. I quickly arrived at the belated realization that the stories of the Bible simply cannot be true, if we are to believe the accepted theories in history, biology, geology and anthropology, to name a few. From there, my religion unwound over the next year into a sort of apathetic or pragmatic agnosticism, if it is to be labelled.

    Whether there is any correlation or causality between those events is something I've yet to fully decide. But anyway, I soon tried marijuana thereafter, and never really stopped, though I've had several long gaps. Drinking became a daily routine. This was exceptionally bad mixed with sleeping tablets, which went on for over a year. My grades dropped and I failed university miserably, I never went to class or even showed up for tests. Finally, I realized how much they had all screwed me up and stopped everything, including anti-depressants. Slowly I have regained a taste for drinking, but I usually limit it to two drinks a night, which somehow sits okay with me. I have smoked weed on and off. And I had a bit of a bad run-in with codeine. Like I said, two drinks a night is cool with me, but whenever I turn to anything else I end up regretting it. I am an addict, no doubt. I hate being sober when I'm sober, but I know I'm a better person when I am. And yes, I want to stop, but I'm annoyingly too proud to seek help from people I know. Not that I strictly need help to live: I take care of myself with odd jobs here and there. But it'd be nice to not be wasting most of my days.
    I was suicidal back in high school before any of this started, but even with sporadic drug use I've been okay since then. But my grandfather killed himself. My dad talks about it, or rather about going to Heaven. The risk is there, and I would like to have a support base that I can fall onto if I ever do so decline before I do something stupid. I don't believe in an afterlife, and to waste the one chance my consciousness has seems dreadful to me. I neither have a reason to live nor a will to ever die. Odd.

    Well, if you're here, then thanks for reading. Despite my solitude, it's nice to know that I can express myself. Any news on special brain surgery that removes addictive traits will be appreciated :p.SF seems to have the community and terms I most respect. Hopefully I can make some real friends for once.

    Cool runnings,
  2. Unknown_111

    Unknown_111 Forum Buddy Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Welcome to the forum. Yes, you have joined a great community where you can express yourself. You are judged but we can help you in your struggle. Whenever you feel low, please remember life is important. People think they suffer alone in this world but that is not the case. The only people who understand suffering are the ones who suffer everyday. Please jeep paying for the support you need and most important be safe.
  3. Cicada 3301

    Cicada 3301 Staff Member Safety & Support SF Supporter

    Welcome and im sorry for what you have been through. You seem to be fighting well, keeping the odd job here and there. University can always be revisited. This is a wonderful place of many like minded people, a lot with different views on different subjects. Browse the forums and try to find where you fit in, helping others always seems to lift my spirits and there is always the chat if you feel you need to express your feelings with instant replies. I hope this place helps you and can improve your views on a lot of things. Alcohol and drug addiction can be horrible, but people have gone through that on this forum too and if you were to talk to one or two of them, maybe you can get some help in that direction. Please seek out the help you need and deserve, i read your full thread and felt compelled to reply. If you ever need help there are many members willing to help you. If you need someone to speak to please contact myself or another member and we can try to aid you in the best possible way. Good luck and keep your head up, you can get through this
  4. bleedingrage

    bleedingrage Active Member

    You still have a shot at it. You're not too far gone to save yourself years of misery. It isn't worth it. Sorry to hear your parents are struggling to cope as well. But theyre them and you are you. Get better and give your parents hope. Be that guiding light. We all screw up, but the good thing is you're noticing how much of a problem its become. You gotta help yourself first. I'm a junkie too. Lots*of years under my belt. Years I regret. Feel free to drop me a line. Hope you find what you're looking for. I really do bro
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