just an outlet

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by thenegative1, Apr 1, 2010.

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  1. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    I wonder if I joined this forum to gain attention or to express myself. I don't understand how people can continue to function and feel like this. I barely eat anymore. I'm losing weight, muscle mass, whatever. It's been almost a month and all I can do is sleep and sit and continue to think about it. I tried a couple of years ago. I've started cutting again. I don't mean cat scratches. I mean deep meaningful cuts that continue to bleed for a few minutes. I've slowly pushed everyone away except my parents who won't let me. I've withdrawn from the university. I've left my apartment. I've abandoned that whole life over something everyone keeps saying happens to everyone as if I'm completely unaware. So what do you do when therapy doesn't make a difference? Take pills for a physiological problem hardly any of us actually have? Is it not natural to feel agony at certain points? Yes but not to the extent of suicide. That's what they'd say. They throw you in a mental ward for a few days until you lie your way out of there and back into a life you've denied of it's worth. Everyone wants you to take baby steps and hopes you'll come to your senses and see that everything will somehow be okay. They're just saying anything they can because they feel helpless to your needs... or apparent lack thereof. They start making you feel guilty about how your loss will affect them. As if you care at this point. As if that makes much difference. They're being as selfish as you are. Then you've got your fanatics that want to open you up to Jesus. People that look at death as a wonderful thing, a new beginning, in a place with useless streets of gold. But wait suicide lands you in hell. But you're already in hell. And if hell is physical pain for eternity....wouldn't that be like cutting yourself to take your mind off the mental pain? So after talking to everyone who wants to help you and finding nothing of value or reason as to why you shouldn't, you rip off the plastic of the only blade they'll still allow you, the one that shaves the hair off your body. You break the plastic away from the blades and always end up cutting your fingers a little bit. Leaving those annoying little skin flaps that take too long to go away. And then you contemplate opening those beautiful veins that in your now bone thin arm show clear. But then your mother pops into your head and she's crying and she won't let you. She hugs you and tells you she loves you now more than ever. And then you cuss and open up areas where the old scars are. I'm waiting for that darkness to come again so I can open them and selfishly liberate myself from a life denied entirely of it's worth. Don't bother with your sympathies. Don't express things I'm already aware of. Don't lie to me because you can't. Don't tell me it's all going to be okay. If anything tell me you feel the same way. Tell me you understand and can't wait for it to come for yourself as well. I'm a 21 year old male... and I don't want another birthday.
  2. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    :arms:...you said no sympathy so a hug instead...
    can I say that your way with words is amazing....
    expressed so well that you almost have me convinced...
  3. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    why only almost? Is it because I've gone to the trouble of finding a place with people who feel the same?
  4. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    no lies....I stopped short when I heard you say about your mother....
    I am a mother and I can understand totally how she feels about losing you...I have lost my son to suicide and I died with him...there is no greater pain.....
    I don't want you to suicide..I don't want you to die.....I don't want your Mum to go through what I'm feeling.....
    I want you to get help and stay and keep trying and seeking the thing that will help you....
    yes I want to be with my son but I have no one who will care now..no parents, no son and no one who would even miss me except for their guilt...I've had my life..
    you are so young and you have a reason to live ...grab it and fight...
  5. Stranger1

    Stranger1 Forum Buddy & Antiquities Friend

    Your words struck home with me.. The one exception is I am not actively suicidal anymore.. Sure I think about it dailey..I have worked to long and to hard to end it now.. So instead I stay in my bedroom and either watch TV or am glued to the computer..I hope you find one positive thread of life to hang on to..There are many paths you can follow..
  6. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    I appreciate your responses. I do. That's what holds me back. My mother. I am getting help. Though I'm not sure if it's because I want to or for her sake. I don't even feel right calling a therapist "help". I've spoken with one before. I've been to school. I've taken courses on the same things these therapists have. i don't see it helping. I see it more as a reconfirmation of what I feel and believe and simply an extension to my misery here.

    And to Stranger. I basically do the same thing. I constantly keep my mind occupied as best I can with meaningless things. However we both know that these things are just distractions and won't be there forever. Those memories and agony always seep in. I can't even dream about good things anymore. Just nightmares about things I wish I could forget. I don't know what good any of this is but I keep coming back here so.... there's that.
  7. Bambi

    Bambi Well-Known Member

    Hey I am in instant message with a member having a hard time right now but just wanted to say I read your post and think you are doing a helluva job hanging in there.

    I am here but not able to give the best replies right now but just wanted you to know I am listening and i do give a damn..I lived for my silly cat so I say whatever works for now hang on to wit hall your might.

  8. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    Yeah it used to just be my cat and I in that old apartment. Now that I'm home again he's probably better cared for by my parents. I don't want to live for my silly cat or my dog. That's not enough. I guess I'm returning to this post because I need to outlet again because I'm feeling it strong tonight. An old formally suicidal friend of mine called me late tonight and wanted me to meet her at a local store so she could follow me back here because she wanted to see me. She was drunk. Of course. So after I woke my mother up and told her she let me drive for the first time in a month down the road to do this. I was scared for some reason. I'm still scared. I got her back here and she told me about her life and her boyfriend. I don't know why. I told her she could sleep in my old room because I haven't been able to... I guess because of the memories of everything. So now she's asleep in there.... and I'm back in the living room where I usually am... and my heart hurts. I feel scared for some reason. I feel troubled by her presence....like she still connects me to the past that I'm trying to run away from...trying to forget.... but I didn't want to tell her to leave...it's a wonder as to how she made it here to begin with. Hearing about her life made me sick. Her trying to bring up old things made me sick. I feel more burdened than I should. I don't feel comfortable even here anymore....like my escape has been...invaded. I'm probably just going to cut to pretend it makes it feel better... but until she's outta here tomorrow I'm extremely uncomfortable again. just an outlet. another waste of space and time and energy. My mother refuses to let me go...brought me a chocolate bunny today...i told her it just reminded me of how it all used to be.... and she hugged me and said I know. I shouldn't still be crying. It's pretty stupid too.
  9. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    I woke up two days ago... I think.... and I realized... this shit isn't going to go away. I can distract myself as much as I want... but nothing is ever going to make me forget....I'm never going to get through it. I look at the appointment with the doc as a waste of time....I'll look at it solely as a confirmation of my beliefs. I don't know why I bother with anything. I don't know why I still drink. Don't know why any of us post on this shit. It's all a waste. All a distraction... and I keep sitting here waiting for the day when I can finally forget those who care and bleed it all out. We find this site in our attempt to find people who care but don't even care to accept them and so many come here and leave...and we don't know what becomes of them. I wish I was stupid. I wish I could wake up and forget the years gone by. I don't want to be me anymore. I want to be a pile of ash and a memory....cause nothings going to change.... i don't want anything to change... I just want to slit my wrists instead of further up my arms. What the hell are we all doing?
  10. Vagrant

    Vagrant Account Closed

    try and talk to people, don't get stuck in the meds that doctors give you unless you get to the point that you dont feel you can continue but don't make them your crutch, I know it sounds crazy but get out and walk, exercise releases amazing endorphins in your mind and it is a great anti depressant, also write, get your thoughts on paper so you can read back and see good times etc, just don't think you are alone because there is always someone that will miss you

    You do want to slit your wrist then wait look ; If you do it you'll get permanent damage to musclles, sinews, nerves and tendril, is that what you want ?

    Stay strong my friend i can understand that life could be so shitty by period but there's always someone around you who really care.
  11. helterskelter

    helterskelter Member

    I hear you...
    Depression felt like opening my eyes to the truth
    I see no meaning in life, I feel sick for knowing people don't feel the same
    Everyone seems to be so involved in little lies, small distractions, meaningful relationships, stupid life goals, making a difference in a world that would be better off without us all.
    when I think about getting help I feel ashamed for wanting to be like all those people. I'm hoping I wont make it to 21
    life sucks.
    feel like shit at the moment I don't even know why I bother to reply sometimes
  12. IV2010

    IV2010 Well-Known Member

    can I ask if you are on meds?....seeing a psychiatrist?...
    maybe the meds aren't right and you need the dose changed or a different tablet?....
  13. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    As far as getting out and walking and releasing endorphins to feel happy or something different.... that doesn't work for my problem. I went to the park yesterday and met someone new but it only seemed to make me more depressed. I've got a waste of time with a psychologist on wednesday. He'll reconfirm my feelings and beliefs and then we can move forward to more depression. As far as meds, no I don't take meds. I take an over the counter drug to sleep but as far as anti-depressants no. I choose not to despite being asked to because I don't believe they'll help me. All they do is release more serotonin or endorphins or whatever chemicals in my brain to make me feel "good" and then hope that I run with those good feelings and see the brighter side of life..... all while running to the risk of increasing my thoughts due to the probability that there isn't anything physiologically wrong with me and in fact feeling the way I do is normal for the damned society in which we now all live....yeah.
  14. thenegative1

    thenegative1 Member

    met with the doctor yesterday. realizing more and more how much i don't want to talk about it. been laying here the past couple of hours thinking about doing it. trying not to think so much about anything but the release from life. i just believe it's my time. already cut myself a few times as a sort of preparation i suppose. finding myself here though... not sure what to make of it.
  15. johnnysays

    johnnysays Well-Known Member

    Finding a job is hard for young people and everyone right now, but that shouldn't make you suicidal. For hte vast majority of people it's just a tough time, but that's all. Some people's brains don't process seretonin correctly, so they need drugs to do that. On the other hand, a lot of people are given meds that don't need them, but don't let that confuse you.

    Cutting yourself and thinking about killing yourself are not normal behaviours. If you find yourself doing those things, maybe you should consider psychotropic drugs. Drugs aren't all evil and bad. For some people they can tip the balance in a positive direction. Notwithstanding, some people don't need them and get addicted to them because of a deficiency or overabundance of key neurotransmitters, but like i said, don't let that confuse you! People who don't process neurotransmitters normally will have an imbalance, and the drugs are supposed to correct that imbalance so they can function more normally. People who do process them normally and take the drugs will lose that balance and become addicted, increasingly dependent on the drug for just normal every day activities. Understand? Drugs, like anything, if used improperly, are bad.

    I understand where you're coming from though. The pharma industry is huge and exploits a lot of people. Many people who don't need drugs are using them. It's messy. And hte brain is so complicated. We still do not understand everything. We get things wrong. It's hard to trust anything or anyone that exists to make a profit, see? Doctors used to do barbaric things to patients, and i'm certain that in 200 years doctors will look back and be disgusted with our practices. On the other hand, we do what we can. We do our best, but our best is not always a pretty thing. You have to weigh the risks and the benefits. It's your personal choice what happens with you, assuming you don't intentionally try to hurt anyone. That's where the line is drawn and drugs or other corrective measures are forced on people.

    You need to ask yourself: Do you think it's normal for people to want to cut themselves? Ask yourself that honestly. Do you think it's normal? Look in the mirror and ask yourself. I don't think it's normal, but you have to ask yourself that question. If you care about the people around you and yourself, then you need to take care of yourself. You need to be healthy and happy so that others around you can be healthy and happy. To do that, you need to stop cutting yourself. You need to figure out how not to be miserable. Killing yourself is the easy way out, but it hurts others. Can you think of anything you can do to get better, so others get better, but doesn't result in you dying?

    I gave you one option: psychotropic drugs. But can you think of any others?

    Do you think this forum helps?

    Think about what you can more easily change first before thinking about what you can't easily change.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 15, 2010
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