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Just another day

Discussion in 'Rants, Musings and Ideas' started by Auerbach, Apr 3, 2015.

  1. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    My self-esteem is so low it is severe. When I am around people, especially around my age, I feel so uncomfortable and inferior to everyone. I feel so worthless compared to everyone and I feel like no one likes me or wants to be my friend. I feel like a worthless piece of shit. Everyone is so much better than I am in every way possible.

    I know people say to not care about what other people think of you, but the thing is I have no one in my life except for my mother. I have no friends and never had a gf, nobody to be “on my side” to make me feel like I do exist and that I am worthy of friends and romance. But I am the only one on my side, besides my mother. It feels like everyone else is on the other side, together in ostracizing me and keeping me isolated. I am the town loser. I walk around here with nothing everyday all by myself. No friends, nobody around. The only thing I have is my bus pass in my pocket that takes me to the same places where I am alone while there are lots of people around. I feel like everyone is against me and everyone does not like me. The isolation is brutal, especially when it is done on purpose by others as it always has been. It is torture, a mockery. I am 27. Grown. And I see nothing changing. In fact, the more I try to change things for the better for myself, the worse the circumstances get, the consequences for trying. It makes me angry, sad, lonely, and in despair.

    All of my adult life has been like this. Constant rejection from anyone I ever tried to be friends with, rejected by every girl I asked out. How am I supposed to feel? I just feel that everyone around me has such better lives than me and has much more things that normally make people happy and I am not talking about money or materialistic things, I am talking about relationships, love, companionship, camaraderie.

    I’ve spent too many years reading books, listening to music, watching films, writing; which all equals to being by myself.
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Sorry you are so alone and feel even more alone in around people i sort of understand the sadness you might be feeling. just want to let you know you are not all alone ok not here anyways hugs
  3. ChestnutMay

    ChestnutMay Antiquities Friend

    I'm sorry you're in so much pain - the isolation you describe does indeed sound brutal - your word. So, welcome to SF, where hopefully that isolation can break down a little. You really have come to a place here where people will understand what you are going through. I hope you will no longer feel so alone after posting a few times and reading other people's stories.

    A lot of the self-talk you describe is simply depression speaking and needs to be be understood from that perspective. For example you write: "Everyone is so much better than I am in every way possible." Depressed people often feel that way but it simply isn't true - simply by virtue of being a human being you have a special blend of talents and gifts that make you the unique person you are. Please try to be kinder to yourself and learn to treasure yourself - you deserve it.

    Your depression needs to be treated. Medication can help a lot but in your case, I think you would really benefit from therapy - individual and group. Group therapy is great because you'll learn how people really do see you and what you can do about it.

    You write at the end that you do a lot of reading, writing, listening to music and watching films. While right now you might see them in terms of lonely activities, you might consider the fact that you have a brain filled with a wide range of human creative thought and endeavors. You probably do have a lot to talk about, once you find the right people.
  4. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks chestnut and total. I am on meds and actually see two therapists lol, one helps, the other one doesn't but that is where I get my meds from so I can't stop going there.

    On a side note, I did recently stop smoking weed, last week. I was smoking everyday for about 2 or 3 weeks. I was still taking my meds but when I stopped smoking last week I have been feeling depressed ever since. This is the second time this happened with the weed and meds. I think smoking makes my meds stop working temporarily. I hope I can feel better soon as I've stopped smoking a week ago.
  5. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    last 7 years of my life - i posted something online that was so profanity laced, so wretched, that it would make any story you've ever read of someone f'ing up online look like mr. rogers neighborhood. i think about it every day and thank god it was before getting national attention for posts that was popular. i smoked pot every day and lost everything. 2 arrests, most of my friends, my girlfriend. i'm a cross dresser. i hate it. hyper sexual. acting out sexually and shaming myself for it. i haven't had sex with a girl in 3.5 years. i say girl because i've had sex with a guy 2 years ago. i hate it.

    this was someone who grew up in an upper class family, excelled in sports and had offers to division 2 schools for swimming.

    i can only give you 3 pieces of advice. one... learn to forgive yourself. things really don't get better with time. thoughts really don't fade. so all you can do is learn to accept the things you've done and move on.

    2) and this is extremely important. stop smoking pot. this is coming from someone who smoked pot everyday for nearly 7 years, made every excuse every 16 year old makes about how great pot is. "it's spiritual" "it's healthy" "it cures cancer" "its not like im drinking alcohol"... etc... etc... etc... looking back now, screw those arguments. someone who is depressed, anxious, longing for companionship... the last thing they need is to be constantly getting high. i have been 7 months sober. there are 2 types of friends i have... pot connections and business connections... my pot connections are 24 and still live at home working for $12 and hour at subway. my business connections, that helped me get a $50,000/year job straight out of college all own their own houses, have their own lives. wives, families kids. which type of friends do you want? pass on grass. serious.

    3) if you live a lonely life learn to make it comfortable. i really care and really wish i had a girlfriend. i don't have any many friends. my daily routine is go to work, get home, work out... just for something to do, it clears my mind and makes me look good, and then i go to bed. it's not my ideal life, but i'm comfortable and all i can do is have faith things will get better.

    be persistent with friends. i call them every weekend to hangout. they won't call me. if they say no they don't wanna hangout.. big deal. i'll call them again, and again, and again, weekend after weekend after weekend.

    you have to make the effort. you're going to be told no more than you're going to be told yes. that's what my dad told me. my dad is the smartest man i've ever known, the polar opposite of me. he came from nothing. he came from dirt. he was so shy. never had a girlfriend. his mom died when he was 7. he grew up in a shack, his dad worked nights. his brother was 12 years older than him... he believes in his heart he was a mistake. he was raised by his neighbors. my dad now makes millions because of his learned ability to talk and start a conversation with anyone about anything. he is one of the best salesmen in america. and he assures me everyday that i can be like him, and he is proof because he was worse than i am... and i would think losing your mother at 7, not really growing up with your dad or brother... that makes the petty problems i deal with seem really minor.
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 3, 2015
  6. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    Thanks for sharing that with me, I appreciate it.
  7. thepainwithin

    thepainwithin Well-Known Member

    I'm sorry about my previous post. Yikes... That was kind of embarrassing. I didn't mean for it to seem like I'm competing with you or make it all about myself. But maybe you can see some similarities between me and you. And maybe some of the things I've done for myself may be able to help you.

    One thing I don't like are posts that say "sorry you're feeling this way! Hugs :):)" - they don't help.

    You aren't alone in your feelings, even if you feel alone from others. Just try to be happy and comfortable with your loneliness because crying about it, like I did for years, really just made me feel worse.
  8. Dark

    Dark Active Member

    I can completely relate to your pain and isolation. To me maintaining stable relationships is a fluctuating conundrum of madness. The problem is at least for me, everyone is so different, it's a numbers game. I like to think of your mental state as a bag of gold, you're looking for partners to increase it together. Problem is there are people who will want to just take some of that gold and leave you with nothing.

    At first you think it's full of intrigue, mystery and opportunities, but then slowly but surely, you start losing every piece of gold in the bag and you get anchored into the hellish ocean debts of pain and misery. If it's any consolation, you are not alone, in the sense that there are people with similar situations as yours and you don't sound like a inhospitable person at all.

    I think it all just boils down to luck, right now I think perhaps people can sense "negative vibes" coming from you from your past experiences and tend to flock away, you have to somehow heal this and change the perception of yourself. It's difficult and I'm in the process of this, but personally I believe you need to mend the internal side of yourself before a satisfactory resolution and positive external factors come into play. I hope it'll work out for you in the end.
  9. Auerbach

    Auerbach Well-Known Member

    I do need to change the inside. I have extremely low self esteem and am very insecure. I can't help but to feel that everyone is better than me and that nobody likes me, it always comes down to that. Everyday i doubt myself and see myself in such a negative way, there is always something that will bring me down. All of these feelings and perceptions seem legit to me, like I am looking at it the way it really is.