You know it is funny... I am not sure if this is the best place to post this but oh well. You know I always say that I am fine with things as they are. I am clearly lying about being fine with my roommate or my mom who needs a child in her life. Those are lies that I am just fine giving to people. Most people know that they are not true I just do not want to hurt anyone elses feelings or something like that. No this revelation or epiphany came to me while watching a TV show. While there is a degree of violence and death and darkness in the show. There is always this soft side as well... you know hero's can never just be about violence it is not normal for a person to have no one in their life. Anyway, I realized that whenever there was a scene of intimacy I would cringe a bit on the inside. The emotional intimacy a bit, but scenes of physical intimacy hit me the hardest. Which I find ironic because porn does not effect me at all in the slightest like that. It was then that I realized how much I cringed at stuff like that in real life as well. I personally hate spending time around my sisters and their boyfriends not because I am close or protective of my sisters in anyway, no it is because I know they are getting physical intimacy while I get none. I do the same with the females around my brothers. I know that they are just passing in the wind but still it makes me ill because I for some reason cannot break their delusions of me. Well regardless, it is an annoying epiphany to have. So yeah, just another way I am broken in my web of lies about giving up and not wanting anything. Just another reason to not take me seriously. Mind you that I will still give up on ever having such a thing. As they say "People in hell want ice water". I guess every once-in-a-while I need to make confessions like these to complete strangers who have nothing to do with me.