Just another loser looking to end the pain and misery to everyone

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by EdRooney, Aug 11, 2014.

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  1. EdRooney

    EdRooney New Member

    Having just had my 43rd birthday away from my wife and beautiful 3week old baby girl I have finally come to the end of my road with hope.

    In November 2013 our home was raided by police and all our computer and technical equipment taken away for police forensic searching for proof that indecent images had been made and distributed by me, an allegation I strongly deny. What I have stupidly done is take pictures of my neighbours flashing their underwear as they bend over in their garden, along with images of children playing on a nearby playground, ALL totally inappropriate and of which I am ashamed but none of the children are indecent, based on the 1-5 scale the police are using. The images I have taken and put on the internet do not even meet level 1 of indecency (the lowest rated level)

    These are all actions I did many years ago when I had no work and was bored. I totally forgot about the website I had posted to (a general interest photo website similar to flickr) and as such had no idea why the police were raiding our home.

    2 weeks after our beautiful baby girl was born the childrens services team (social services) removed me from our family home. This is one week ago today. Tomorrow is also the 2 year anniversary of the miscarriage of our other baby, who we lost in August 2012.

    I am of course totally ashamed of my actions and cannot offer any explanation as to why I posted the images. I cannot tell me wife or the authorities why I did what I did but I can only try and push for my innocence that I am NOT a pedophile.

    The social services have convinced my wife I am a monster and she, rightly so, will do all she can to protect our baby. I would NEVER harm that little girl, she is the most precious thing in the world to me along with my loving and most adorable wife.

    I have tried to cope and can no longer bear the thought of what I have brought upon her world, how I have destroyed it and blown it to pieces. I cannot bear the thought that she will not have me in their lives and NO, I am not looking for sympathy, I know my actions were wrong, but not that wrong that I am the monster these services are making me out to be.

    So the end of the line has come and I am merely wanting to go in some form of public record place to state my complete disgust at myself for all I have done and all the pain and suffering I have brought in to these peoples lives and that of our families.

    I cannot live with the pain of knowing I ruined everything and that of the constant hurt I have caused my wife. I have to end it.

    I wanted to await the outcome of the police investigation to prove I was stupid and idiotic but NOT a pedophile. I can no longer live with what I have done and the only way to end the pain and suffering for all those people who I love is to end my life.

    Please dont judge me. This is not cowardice. This is the hardest decision I have ever had to make. I have read of all the forms of how to end it and have selected my method.

    Thank you for reading and I hope others dont follow in my footsteps. Find some hope and cling to it. I had mine taken away, I had my rights to hope and love and forgiveness taken away when I did what I did many years ago.
  2. JmpMster

    JmpMster Have a question? Message Me Staff Member Forum Owner ADMIN

    You are in a very difficult situation - one that you feel completely responsible for and that has had a huge impact on your life. I cannot imagine how difficult these last 8 months have been for you and regardless of what occurred to get to that point the stress of it all is bound to be beyond scale.

    All that said- I urge you to reconsider for the sake of your child and (even if estranged) wife. The only thing your suicide will do is leave that as an absolute 100% permanent label that your wife and daughter will have no choice but to believe. Do not let your child hear when she gets older that her father was a pedophile that killed himself when he was caught- stick it about and deal with the difficulties now so that you will be around to tell her the truth when she is old enough to want to hear. Whether you ever get back with wife or not is irrelevant - you can still show them that (as you said_) you stupid- not evil.
  3. Twocky61

    Twocky61 Banned Member

    I agree with NYJM EdRooney

    Try to hang in there at least to prove you are innocent of all these allegations against you. Yes, what you did was stupid but you are not a paedophile; you are just unfortunate a daft prank you pulled was taken the wrong way. I do see Social Services point in that they have to be over cautious so you really do need to hang in there so you can prove you are innocent of all these allegations

    tc EdRooney

  4. Hatshepsut

    Hatshepsut Guest

    Hopefully you feel welcome here to discuss issues related to suicide and suicidal thinking.

    Internet child exploitation is an extremely serious charge, if this is what is happening. There is a high likelihood that someone convicted of controlling a child for purposes of making a sexual image will spend much of their lifetime serving the prison term, and even possessing images that someone else produced is likely to result in prison. You need good advice, from an attorney, and no one here knows enough about the law, or about your own situation, to help much.

    Best wishes.
  5. EdRooney

    EdRooney New Member

    Thank you everyone for some encouraging words.

    It has now been 18 days since I was kicked out of the family home and I have managed to see my baby girl 20 hours in total since that day, for which I am truly grateful, however Childrens Services (CS) last week removed my 'Chaperone' as an appropriate adult due to reasons which have not been fully explained. My chaperone is a retired midwife and nurse, professional to the end, however we had a couple of 'run ins' with the CS and they appear to have retaliated by removing the only way I get to see my beautiful baby daughter.

    I haven't seen her now for a week and she is only 5 weeks old, I guess the blessing is she won't even know me let alone remember me so I am just ready to give in as CS have won. They have beaten me and I have no fight left.

    I have got legal counsel on both the criminal and family front. The criminal lawyer has advised that 'doing something stupid' is not a crime (in this case anyway) and the family lawyer is powerless as the police act on evidence and the family lawyer on hearsay or supposition, they don't listen to fact.

    They have failed to interview my 19yo step daughter whom I have brought up since she was 8yo, this can only be because they don't want me having any risk reducing factors. They haven't started protector assessments with my wife yet, which once complete would mean I could go home, again, because it is all a game for them and they enjoy the power and control.

    Its a bank holiday weekend and the social workers dealing with us finished on Thursday evening and are only back on Tuesday... no doubt they will be having a lovely family time whilst I contemplate how I can reduce the pain for everyone going forward, how I can make this appear like an accident.

    I don't want people to mourn me, I am not proud of the wrath and hellfire I have brought upon my ever loving and wonderful wife and beautiful baby girl, I just want to leave because I can't bear the thought of the pain and guilt any longer.

    Maybe I will make it through the weekend? Metaphorically, The light at the end of the tunnel is currently an express train and I am stood on the tracks so to speak.

    Its weird how there doesn't appear to be any support forums specifically for Dads / Men who are in need?! Maybe we don't deserve peoples attention, maybe we are a waste of time and effort?

    Keep smiling everyone, I know there is ALWAYS someone in a more worse position than yourself, I am that person right now.

    Desperate Dad
  6. EdRooney

    EdRooney New Member

    I forgot to mention - NO images I have created / distributed / possessed? are indecent in their nature... inappropriate yes, but NONE even reach the indecent level. These are fully clothed children playing in a playground environment. I am not proud nor justifying my actions... Just clarifying.
  7. EdRooney

    EdRooney New Member

    "Suicide is a Permanent Solution to a Temporary Problem" - 2009 Robin Williams (RIP)
  8. fordson

    fordson New Member

    I think most brave thing you could come up with is to have some discussion with the people you mentioned. killing yourself would just make things worse for those people youve hurt already.So selfish....
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