Just another loser

Discussion in 'Mental Health Disorders' started by canthandleitanymore, Jan 30, 2012.

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  1. Hi everyone. I really don't know what I want from writing this. It's the first time I really speak (or write) about all this.

    I'm 18 years old, but I feel like 100. I've come to a point in my life where I don't know how to continue. Sounds stupid from a 18-year old, I know. So much nonsense happened in my life, and I can't clear my head. I will try to keep it short.

    I had been born in a country where my parents lived for a few years. So I was growing up in another culture and language in kindergarten, and another at "home". We lived with my alcoholic grandpa together, so you can imagine the "fun". They always tried to hide problems from me, but I wasn't blind. I was always the "stranger" for the other children.
    Fast forward, they moved back to their home country. Still, not really knowing the language and culture of the new environment, I became again the "stranger" who nobody likes. yay. So I never really had any friends + it was living in a village full of not-so-smart people. I always compensated those things with work. I studied a lot.

    Fast forward, I started going to middle school (Our school system has 8 years of elementary school, 4 years of middle school and then collage). I started having friends, as I learnt a few things from the past, and they were more open minded. I met a girl, really beautiful and an extraordinary personality. We go to the same advanced IT course. We became best friends. The problem, she started dating my "best friend". It was a really hard time for me. They broke up, we spent some time together, and I started liking her a lot. Till the day she found a new boyfriend from her class. I don't know the correct English term for such a person, but I will try to explain it. He is like a child who desperately wants a toy, and will do anything to get it, from playing the "good child" card to raging like a daredevil. He grew up like this - he is the only child of a moderately rich family. He behaved like this in their relationship, so they broke up. We spent again a lot of time together, and I started liking her much more. Again, until she started dating the same guy again that broke up with her over a SMS after a stupid disagreement. That killed me on the inside. Or friendship started to fall apart. Fast forward, they broke up again, for the same reason. We spent time together, i developed feeling, and here we are again.
    They are again friends, like after the last breakup. She again starts putting me aside, like a toy. We live an hour for each other, so we can't see each other often. We chat a lot. Well, we chatted a lot. We talked about the wildest things - stupid things like "what will we do when the zombie apocalypse starts" to "what's the meaning of life". Now i get just "I'm ok", "School was boring", and stupid short responses like "lol", "yes", "no" etc. for stupid funny links. Any real conversation ends after a minute.
    The real problem is, she liked me too. A friend of mine spoke with her recently (around New Year). She said that she always had feeling for me, she just thought I weren't interested. He told her that I do like her. That's when it started going downhill. She suddenly realized that I wasn't special to her in any way, that she doesn't have any feeling for me anymore, and that I was the whole time, unconsciously, a backup plan. I was always there for her, and would (still) do anything for her. But I was just a time-filler for boring times. Whenever she found someone else, I could go f* my self. She doesn't know that I know what they spoke about.
    Just now, I talked with her about her current relationship with her ex. She said he is a fine guy, that they are just friend, that she has no interest in him and so on (the same as last time). What really slapped me in the face was this sentence (I said it wan't smart at all to send him '<3' after all what happened, to which she responded): "then I have to remove the hearts I send you too, as I don't plan being with you either".

    It's a big mess in my head. It's like a raging storm of idiotic thoughts of which I can't get rid off. It's not just her - my whole life is a mess. I have almost no friends. No real friends expect her. And I never needed friends until I met her. I was a working robot, and that was just fine. I live far away from my school, so I have to travel about 2,5h a day. I go six days a week to school. My family is poor and über-religious. I won't be able to study what I'm interested in, as I don't have money to move to the city where the collage is. A larger part of my family died from cancer, is currently suffering from cancer, or cured from cancer (my mom had a fallback (if it's the right term), she had a surgery lately, my grandma died after a 4 month battle, her sister died after a 5 month battle, their brother is currently suffering from cancer, my grandpa died after a long illness for cancer on so on...). I slowly start loosing my faith in God and humanity itself.

    I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep at night, I always thing about her, my life, and other nonsense. I sleep for about 4 hours a day. I can't get my head clear. I have no motivation in the morning to stand up. It's like, it would be better if I were dead. The idea of suicide comes sometimes, and the only reason I found to not kill myself is that it would be too selfish. I literally found no other reason to live. I sometimes walk around the city, just randomly taking a walk, and when crossing the road, my head spontaneously thinks something like "too bad, the car stopped".
    Those feelings of rage against myself, loneliness, sadness and what not aren't always this intense. They come in "intervals". They never truly disappear, they are always here, just not so strong. I do not remember how it feels to be happy. Those feeling range from "it's ok, I'm just having a bad day" to "dear train, why won't you hit me?". Over the last few years, I lost about 50 pounds during the "bad" periods. During the "good" periods I set weight on, which makes me sad again (I'm now 53 pounds down from my maximal weight).
    After all this, it's ironic how people around me see me. For them, I'm smart and successful (I'm regularly winning some science and IT competitions, even tough I have no interest in those fields; I'm just "killing" my brain and time with it). They don't know that every morning (at 4AM, yay), I somehow go to the bathroom where I trying smiles in hope to find one that doesn't look fake. I reality, I'm not smart, I'm not successful, I'm just a dumb fat ugly looser sitting in front of a computer waiting to die. I wish life had a fast forward button. And please don't say something like "you are not dumb" - I know how unintelligent I am. I grew up in an unintelligent environment. That's one of the problems too. I know what it means to be smart, I know how happy people live, and just being beaten (metaphorically) in the face every single day from people that are better then you in every single isn't going to make anything better.

    I don't know what to say anymore. I just wish I could clean my mind somehow, or cover it up so much, that I forget about my life (that's one of the reasons I like math). Most likely, nobody will read the whole text, and I'm disappointed about this. Wouldn't read it either if I had a choice. Sorry for the bad English (as you already guessed, it's not my native language). Just read trough that again. I sound stupid, silly, and pathetic. I'm ashamed I even wrote it, and ashamed that I will really post it now.
  2. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I read it all. I thought it was quite interesting and it does a good job of giving people a good picture of who you are so they feel like they now know you a little bit. That's almost always missing in first posts-- so good job. And your written English as a second language is better than some people's native English. You sound like a lot of nice, nerdy guys I went to high school with. I'm sorry all the moving around made things so socially difficult for you. I can relate to some of the things you said. I used to do the same thing in school--just be a working robot, do well in school and try not to feel anything. I liked math for the same reason. I told my Math teacher that I liked the order, the predictability, the way there was always an indisputable right answer. "Math is easy, people are complicated", I said. It's not uncommon for people with a lot of analytical intelligence to have social difficulties. I know the feeling of "accepting scraps" from people as a kid too. You feel like you're taking what you can get, even if the person is not valuing you very much. And you must be under tremendous stress with so many family members struggling or losing the battle to cancer. That's very rough. You sound quite depressed. Can you get any health care for that where you are?

    I can't figure out where you're from or at right now. Some of your expressions are unfamiliar to me so I don't know what the possibilities of school are for you. Would there be scholarships, bursaries, grants or loans that you could get. Would getting a job and earning some money do it, even if you had to take a year off school to do it? You might find you fit in much better in the math/IT department of a college than you do in middle school.
  3. Thank you.

    It wasn't just the moving. My whole family is a "problem". I'm live now on the territory where Yugoslavia (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yugoslavia) once were. My mother is from one country of ex-Yu (born in the capital of another, then my grandma "escaped" (flee -> fleet?) from her alcoholic husband, rising my mother alone; the other grandpa is an alcoholic too), my father is from another country, my grandma from another, grandpa too and so on. After Yugoslavia collapsed and the war stared, you can imagine how it was to live in such a household. Even tough they kept such things at minimum, I still hate every type of nationalism, racism or something similarly stupid. The worst part - I have the same surname as one of the leaders who started the war, and live on the "opposite" side, in a village full of "war heroes". You can imagine how those children accepted the newcomer. Even the teacher i elementary school disliked me. Fun fun fun

    Exactly this. Math is blind, yet so beautiful. Math is a unmerciful judge, it will lend you it's cold hand and assist you in every way, as long as you keep to the rules. There is no "what if", no "it could be", no "probably" - something just is or isn't.

    I probably explained my situation wrong. I still speak with this girl every day (even now). She even invited me to come over on Saturday, it's her birthday (she talked today about how she would like to invite her ex; I just don't want to see him, so I will most likely not go).

    It's probably terribly wrong, but I'm not really under stress from this anymore. At first I was, and I ignored it. Later on, it really upset me. Now, I just don't care anymore. I know most of my family members will die from cancer more sooner then later. I, too, will die from cancer one day. It's not really something that upsets me anymore. (even tough I sometimes get short panic attack when trying to fall asleep and start thinking about death)

    No. I do have health care, but as a 18 year old, there is no way to get mental medication. They would treat me like a drug addict. I'm too young to be taken seriously by anybody (I could however get almost unlimited access to alcohol (too bad I hate it); welcome to Balkan).

    As the 1st placed on a few competitions, I can get a room at a dorm. I just wouldn't have much money for things like food. And the dorm room would be just for one year - after that, I would need to be one of the top students to keep it for free on for a cheap price. And that would be impossible, so I would lose a year, a big amount of money, and the chance to get a place at another collage.

    A job would certainly help. I'm mostly working as a programmer doing little stupid games. It wouldn't be too hard to make a Flash game and sell it (around 100$ per game, as I heard; that's a lot of money in our country). But, taxes are way to high here. I can't earn any money in the country, so I would have to sell it outside, and tax on money from "the outside" is freaking 44%. There is no sense to work for almost the half I should earn. Even if I would make some money this way, it wouldn't be enough. Others jobs are not available, as most of the people here do not have a degree (just 8 years of elementary school), so low paid jobs are quickly taken. And it wouldn't be fair to fill a spot and take the money so I could live a little better, if someone struggles to survive.

    There aren't really many options in my life. And I don't really search for some. I just wish I could end the "storm" in my head, and become an emotionless robot again.
  4. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I doubt we've had anyone posting from the Balkans here before--interesting. Growing up during the war must have been hard as well. Some really terrible things were happening over there from what I read in the papers, terrible atrocities. I know a few people who escaped (fled) Croatia. They are all such good looking people. If that girl is Croatian I'll bet she's pretty.:smile:

    Given your circumstances, there might be some sense in working with a 44% tax on your income. What other choice do you have, really? I think it's kind of different that you worry about taking an even poorer person's job. That's very un-western? No one says such things around here. Westerners would take whatever job they could get and not worry what it does to someone else. . Are you done Middle School yet? What will you do when you are, if you don't get a job?

    It sounds like that girl has you firmly in the dreaded "friend zone" as nice guys, who don't get seen romantically, call it here. Getting dropped and picked back up again between boyfriends happens to friends a lot, whether they be girls or boys. I'm sure it's even harder to deal with if you want something more. I'm not going to tell you to dump her though is she is your only friend. But perhaps you could look for another friend?

    That's very strange that they would treat you like a drug addict for wanting anti-depressants as they are not addictive. :confused: Are you sure about that? Perhaps you could try going to your physician and telling him you think you are depressed. Maybe views have progressed over there on the matter, at least among doctors? Maybe lay people have misconceptions that a doctor would not, especially if there are many poorly educated people.

    You might be in denial over how much the cancer is bothering you as a way of coping with it. My Mom is dying of cancer and I sometimes think I'm OK, then other times I feel like I'm falling apart over it--so many mixed emotions, you know? It is such a horrifying disease to watch someone die of and I feel so helpless to do anything about it.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jan 30, 2012
  5. Takotsubo

    Takotsubo Well-Known Member

    i read all of it and yeah , my life's the same can't move out and just stuck here .

    about the girl well i hope you stop talking to her because she sounds like she's just using you . fuck her let her get treated like shit by other retarded douche bag frat boys .

    hope everything gets better for you.
  6. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

  7. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I know how you feel. I'm so depressed too. I want to kill myself- I have nothing to live for. I'll always be a useless no good loser.
    Fuck life.
  8. gloomy

    gloomy Account Closed

    You were definitely friend-zoned… to be honest, even though it was probably brutal to hear, she did the right thing by telling you that there's no future together. There are girls out there who will string you along for as long as they can because they enjoy how emotionally invested in them you are… as much as you might not think so, it's better to hear upfront that it's not going to happen. It's going to suck either way, but the less time you have invested in the relationship, the easier it is to get over it.

    To be honest, I wish I had as much going for me as you have going for you… I'm not kidding. You actually DO have gifts and you should respect them… calling them worthless or actually thinking that they could is a huge mistake. I know when you're 18 you're still growing up and you're not thinking about that kind of thing but seriously, get yourself back on track and keep up the hard work. Lots of girls/women respect hard workers who are successful… when you get to college your classes will be filled with people JUST LIKE YOU… and if you're super-good at your subject, GIRLS WILL LIKE YOU. I'm not kidding-- middle school/high school is all about stupid drama and popularity, but university is mostly about cuter girls who love you for your brain… all you have to do is not be a jerk and you'll find someone. I don't know what your situation is exactly, but if you can you should get a job, look into scholarships, and do whatever you can to get to college… sell your games, don't say it's impossible until you've actually tried it. You can live on basic food and such.

    I really want you to pull through and get to college-- the girl is one thing, but wasting your gifts is a huge tragedy.
  9. Yes, she is really pretty, but I don't care much about it. I like her for who she is... or who she was a month ago...

    I don't know how "western" it is, I just try to look realistically at the world. Why should I have such luxury, when someone else is struggling to survive and feed their kids. I will be going to some collage, just not one in my field of interest.

    No, I still have 4 months of school ahead of me. I'm going to a middle school which prepares you for a science or technical collage (opposed to other "profession schools", which teach you a profession), so I have to go to some collage if I want a useful degree.

    I understand that. I just don't understand how she could have feeling for me for 3 years, and now, when it could be so beautiful, they just suddenly disappeared, after learning that I have feeling for her too. That, and being replaced as best friend by a asshole who behaves like a baby, and who hurt her deeply at least 2 times. Am I really such a terrible, unattractive, boring and stupid person? Was our friendship really nothing worth?
    It wouldn't hurt me so much if she never had any feelings for me. This sudden change of feelings towards me and the replacement is what really hurts. As I said, even our conversations started being miserable. I want my old friend back :(

    If that were so easy. Most people I know, know each other for years, since early their childhood. I'm different. I don't drink, I don't smoke, I don't do drugs, I'm never loud, I never dance or do those "normal" things, which makes me a social outcast. It's like a amoeba trying to be friends with elephants.

    I can't just go straight to a physician (if that is a psychology doctor), I first have to go to our family doctor who then sends me to a specialist. Beside that, I can't speak to other people about me or my feelings. Sure, I managed to somehow write it here, but it's a lot easier to talk to a bunch of faceless Internet people then to real people.
    In addition to that, my mother would make a huge drama about this. She tries her best, but she isn't really intelligent nor educated, so most things she does are just wrong and/or annoying. Since she had cancer, she became hyper-religious too. She wouldn't understand why I was taking anti-depressants, as she thinks that all people with those mild mental problems just fake it. I can't stand her constant talking about shame, and her constant crying whenever I say something that she doesn't like to hear. I grew up in constant shame (I watched and old family video recently, were we where at a public pool, and my father said something like "Why don't you go swim with your cousins? (I was the youngest, the 5th wheel and the one who was always teased) Aren't you ashamed? I'm ashamed of you and your behavior.")
    I just don't know how to go there I say "i'm depressed, give me something".

    I know these mixed emotion, I went trough this phase. I'm really sorry to hear that. I hope that she gets better, or at least doesn't suffer for long.

    As I said above, it's clear to me that I've been friend-zoned. I already invested 3 years in this friendship and relationship, so that train is long lost.

    My only gift is being able to sit in a chair for 8 to 10 hours a day, doing nothing, or doing boring research.

    How to get back on track if I haven't ever been on that track?

    I understand what you are trying to say. The problem is, I'm just not interested in other girls. She is the only person that really know me. I can only talk with her about everything. We where just in "sync" - we like the same music, have the same taste in food, like the same movies, the same pets, we think quite similarly, are about the same intelligence and so on. There was no awkward "familiarizing" time, we just understood each other from the beginning. She often said that I understand her better then her boyfriend (the one that left her two times and is now trying to get another chance).

    Thank you for the kind wishes.
  10. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Your mother doesn't have to find out about you seeking mental health care. You're 18. If that's considered a legal adult, as it is here, they can't tell your parents. In fact I wouldn't recommend it, if you think she is going to react badly. When I was 18, my teacher took me to her doctor so that I wouldn't have to feel awkward talking to my family physician, and then her doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist pestered me a little bit to tell my parents, so I did---big mistake. My Mom just freaked out and it didn't help me at all. So yeah, get help on your own and don't tell your Mom. If you are not comfortable telling your family physician then find another way--a walk-in clinic, tell a teacher you're having suicidal thoughts, talk to a school counsellor about how you might access a pdoc without going through your family doc. You'll get in faster if you say your thinking about suicide--just don't say you have a definite plan or time frame on it because that will get you hospitalized. When you are in front of the doctor, just tell him how you've been feeling, what you've been thinking, that you've been going to suicide websites and anything else that might be troubling you, perhaps lack of motivation, feeling very bad about yourself, have only the one problematic friend, perhaps you feel like the future is hopeless. Then suggest that you think you might be depressed and was wondering if you could see a pdoc--or you could start with that and then describe your sense of hopelessness etc.. Also, family physicians can prescribe antidepressants too if for some reason there isn't access to a pdoc. Look up the symptoms of depression and focus on those in your discussion. You can even take a depression test and bring that in with you to show the doc how high you scored. There are plenty of them on the web and on this forum.
  11. My mother has my health care card, so I can't visit a doctor (I know you use another word for that, I just can't get used to it right now) without her knowing.
    The school also isn't a option. It's a relatively small school, and informations spread quickly. Being stigmatized as the "guy who want's to kill himself" isn't really going to help.
    I don't know what a walk-in clinic is, or if we even have something like this.
    And even if I did that, doing all that requires time that I don't have (I have a lot of work thanks to my working habits, and I travel for a long time every day). The competitions are starting, and everybody expects me to get a high ranking.

    Alongside that, I'm not a bit suspicion on substances that manipulate my brain. Do they really work? How do they work? How does one feel when using them? Are there some side effects? How does someones behavior change when using them? What's the difference between anti-depressants and pain killers?
  12. Sorry for the double post. I just saw her with her ex going somewhere, holding hands and looking romantically at each other. I hate my life
  13. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    Tell your Mom you need to see the doctor for something else-complain for awhile about a stomach ache or something, say it's killing you. The doctor cannot tell your mother if your 18, at least in Canada they can't. Is there not a teacher you can trust to not tell anyone else at school if you asked them not to? Sometimes schools employ counsellors that are sworn to confidentiality too. They cannot tell anyone else. A walk-in clinic is just that--you can walk-in and see a doctor, usually within an hour of signing in. The doctors are employed to see whoever drops in--no appointment necessary. Antidepressants are nothing like pain killers. Usually there are no side effects. You take them and don't feel any different for weeks and then inexplicably you just start feeling more positive and motivated/ If they work right you should just start feeling more like your old, less depressed self. It's not really dramatic or mind-altering--just a subtle change in your outlook on life. The way they work is prevent a substance call serotonin released by neurons from being taken back up into the neurons of your brain. More serotonin in the space between nerve cells, called the synapse, causes them to fire or signal more to each other, hence the name Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors (SSRI's). Norepinephrine is another signalling molecule and newer antidepressants are called Serotonin Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors (SNRI's). But they now think there may be more to it than that. These changes may also affect the support structures in the brain, called glia cells. They used to think glia cells didn't do much but now think they may be involved in depression as well. It's all very complicated.

    Good luck in the competition. An ability to work hard and do well will take you far.
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 1, 2012
  14. social_panda

    social_panda New Member

    hear hear.. problem with killing yourself though is it's selfish if you have family that will be worse off from it. sort of like being trapped in hell..
  15. AlienBeing

    AlienBeing Well-Known Member

    I think it's the other way around. It's selfish for people to expect someone who's in unbearable mental anguish to live that way, just so they're around for them.
  16. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I don't think suicide is selfish.
  17. Autumn01

    Autumn01 Well-Known Member

    I agree. There's no point in me to keep living just to keep everyone else happy and so they can tell people that I'm still alive when I am so damn miserable being alive!
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