Hi everyone. I really don't know what I want from writing this. It's the first time I really speak (or write) about all this. I'm 18 years old, but I feel like 100. I've come to a point in my life where I don't know how to continue. Sounds stupid from a 18-year old, I know. So much nonsense happened in my life, and I can't clear my head. I will try to keep it short. I had been born in a country where my parents lived for a few years. So I was growing up in another culture and language in kindergarten, and another at "home". We lived with my alcoholic grandpa together, so you can imagine the "fun". They always tried to hide problems from me, but I wasn't blind. I was always the "stranger" for the other children. Fast forward, they moved back to their home country. Still, not really knowing the language and culture of the new environment, I became again the "stranger" who nobody likes. yay. So I never really had any friends + it was living in a village full of not-so-smart people. I always compensated those things with work. I studied a lot. Fast forward, I started going to middle school (Our school system has 8 years of elementary school, 4 years of middle school and then collage). I started having friends, as I learnt a few things from the past, and they were more open minded. I met a girl, really beautiful and an extraordinary personality. We go to the same advanced IT course. We became best friends. The problem, she started dating my "best friend". It was a really hard time for me. They broke up, we spent some time together, and I started liking her a lot. Till the day she found a new boyfriend from her class. I don't know the correct English term for such a person, but I will try to explain it. He is like a child who desperately wants a toy, and will do anything to get it, from playing the "good child" card to raging like a daredevil. He grew up like this - he is the only child of a moderately rich family. He behaved like this in their relationship, so they broke up. We spent again a lot of time together, and I started liking her much more. Again, until she started dating the same guy again that broke up with her over a SMS after a stupid disagreement. That killed me on the inside. Or friendship started to fall apart. Fast forward, they broke up again, for the same reason. We spent time together, i developed feeling, and here we are again. They are again friends, like after the last breakup. She again starts putting me aside, like a toy. We live an hour for each other, so we can't see each other often. We chat a lot. Well, we chatted a lot. We talked about the wildest things - stupid things like "what will we do when the zombie apocalypse starts" to "what's the meaning of life". Now i get just "I'm ok", "School was boring", and stupid short responses like "lol", "yes", "no" etc. for stupid funny links. Any real conversation ends after a minute. The real problem is, she liked me too. A friend of mine spoke with her recently (around New Year). She said that she always had feeling for me, she just thought I weren't interested. He told her that I do like her. That's when it started going downhill. She suddenly realized that I wasn't special to her in any way, that she doesn't have any feeling for me anymore, and that I was the whole time, unconsciously, a backup plan. I was always there for her, and would (still) do anything for her. But I was just a time-filler for boring times. Whenever she found someone else, I could go f* my self. She doesn't know that I know what they spoke about. Just now, I talked with her about her current relationship with her ex. She said he is a fine guy, that they are just friend, that she has no interest in him and so on (the same as last time). What really slapped me in the face was this sentence (I said it wan't smart at all to send him '<3' after all what happened, to which she responded): "then I have to remove the hearts I send you too, as I don't plan being with you either". It's a big mess in my head. It's like a raging storm of idiotic thoughts of which I can't get rid off. It's not just her - my whole life is a mess. I have almost no friends. No real friends expect her. And I never needed friends until I met her. I was a working robot, and that was just fine. I live far away from my school, so I have to travel about 2,5h a day. I go six days a week to school. My family is poor and über-religious. I won't be able to study what I'm interested in, as I don't have money to move to the city where the collage is. A larger part of my family died from cancer, is currently suffering from cancer, or cured from cancer (my mom had a fallback (if it's the right term), she had a surgery lately, my grandma died after a 4 month battle, her sister died after a 5 month battle, their brother is currently suffering from cancer, my grandpa died after a long illness for cancer on so on...). I slowly start loosing my faith in God and humanity itself. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't sleep at night, I always thing about her, my life, and other nonsense. I sleep for about 4 hours a day. I can't get my head clear. I have no motivation in the morning to stand up. It's like, it would be better if I were dead. The idea of suicide comes sometimes, and the only reason I found to not kill myself is that it would be too selfish. I literally found no other reason to live. I sometimes walk around the city, just randomly taking a walk, and when crossing the road, my head spontaneously thinks something like "too bad, the car stopped". Those feelings of rage against myself, loneliness, sadness and what not aren't always this intense. They come in "intervals". They never truly disappear, they are always here, just not so strong. I do not remember how it feels to be happy. Those feeling range from "it's ok, I'm just having a bad day" to "dear train, why won't you hit me?". Over the last few years, I lost about 50 pounds during the "bad" periods. During the "good" periods I set weight on, which makes me sad again (I'm now 53 pounds down from my maximal weight). After all this, it's ironic how people around me see me. For them, I'm smart and successful (I'm regularly winning some science and IT competitions, even tough I have no interest in those fields; I'm just "killing" my brain and time with it). They don't know that every morning (at 4AM, yay), I somehow go to the bathroom where I trying smiles in hope to find one that doesn't look fake. I reality, I'm not smart, I'm not successful, I'm just a dumb fat ugly looser sitting in front of a computer waiting to die. I wish life had a fast forward button. And please don't say something like "you are not dumb" - I know how unintelligent I am. I grew up in an unintelligent environment. That's one of the problems too. I know what it means to be smart, I know how happy people live, and just being beaten (metaphorically) in the face every single day from people that are better then you in every single isn't going to make anything better. I don't know what to say anymore. I just wish I could clean my mind somehow, or cover it up so much, that I forget about my life (that's one of the reasons I like math). Most likely, nobody will read the whole text, and I'm disappointed about this. Wouldn't read it either if I had a choice. Sorry for the bad English (as you already guessed, it's not my native language). Just read trough that again. I sound stupid, silly, and pathetic. I'm ashamed I even wrote it, and ashamed that I will really post it now.