Just another new member, I guess.

Discussion in 'Welcome' started by Dolor, Apr 10, 2007.

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  1. Dolor

    Dolor New Member

    I'm not special, but I'd like people to at least attempt to understand me before they judge me.

    I am not even sixteen yet, but I have had depression since before I was a teenager and Body Dysmorphic Disorder since I was old enough to recognise my face in a mirror. I have an acute case of insomnia and I am recovering from anorexia.

    I come from a very broken home. My father never wanted me and although he lived with us for 12 years, he never spoke a word to me. He did talk to all other members of the family. It was just like I did not exist.

    My mother knows I have problems with alcohol and recently found out that I have had sex, when she walked in one day, when I thought she wouldn't be home for a few more hours. Sex left me feeling empty. I thought, "Is this love? Two teenagers indulging in sexual activities?" Some days my body shuts down and I feel like I can't breathe. I suffer from panic attacks.

    I have lost the will to live. I eat just enough to keep me alive and I lie on my bed at night, counting dreams and memories I used to love. Some days I wonder why I am still alive. I'm not afraid of dying. I really want to.

    One night, I was lying in bed and I just thought, "Screw this, I'm ending it!" But I did not move.

    Because that is what depression is. I would've killed myself there and then, but I was too damn depressed to even get out of bed. I did not have the will to even move.

    I feel really alone and I need help. I'm sorry if it was a waste of your time to read that; I tried to keep it short, but I opened a gate.
  2. Scum

    Scum Well-Known Member

    Welcome to SF :)

    It's cetainly NOT a waste of time to read that, did it help to get it out.

    It sounds like you have had a really rough time, so hopefully you will get some support and help from SF.

    Hang in there and take care of yourself
  3. bunny

    bunny Staff Alumni

    Hi Dolor, welcome to the forum :smile:

    i know how it feels to be too depressed even to kill myself too well, a lot of people here do, im glad you've found us and hope you wont feel so alone any more :hug:

    PM me any time you want :smile:
    take care
  4. Marshmallow

    Marshmallow Staff Alumni

    Welcome to SF :arms:
  5. beautifuloblivion

    beautifuloblivion Well-Known Member

    :welcome: to SF! Your post was certainly NOT a waste of my time to read. We're always here to listen anytime you want to talk. You're welcome to pm me anytime. :hug:
  6. Cheryl

    Cheryl Well-Known Member


    Thank you for sharing your story with us. you will find that this forum is very kind, compassionate, and always ready and willing to listen. Please post here as often as you can. You are not alone. We care about you. We want to know that you are safe.

    I hope that you will continue to explore your thoughts and feelings here.

    And, just for the record....YOU ARE SPECIAL!

  7. Beret

    Beret Staff Alumni

    Hope you will get here the support you deserve
  8. gentlelady

    gentlelady Staff Alumni

    :welcome: to the forum Dolor. People here have felt the desparation od depression and being judged and many other things you mention in your post. We accept each other for who we are. I am sure you will be able to find support here. Your post was not a waste of time to read. You spoke honestly about how you feel. I look forward to seeing you around the forum. Please take care. :hug:
  9. theleastofthese

    theleastofthese SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Welcome to the forum.:smile: It was not a waste of time to read your post. I know how it feels to "open a gate". If I'm talking to someone about things going on in my life, and they seem interested or just kind, it's like a great flood of feelings pouring out. Don't feel badly about telling us what's on your mind - that's what we're here for.


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