I'm not special, but I'd like people to at least attempt to understand me before they judge me. I am not even sixteen yet, but I have had depression since before I was a teenager and Body Dysmorphic Disorder since I was old enough to recognise my face in a mirror. I have an acute case of insomnia and I am recovering from anorexia. I come from a very broken home. My father never wanted me and although he lived with us for 12 years, he never spoke a word to me. He did talk to all other members of the family. It was just like I did not exist. My mother knows I have problems with alcohol and recently found out that I have had sex, when she walked in one day, when I thought she wouldn't be home for a few more hours. Sex left me feeling empty. I thought, "Is this love? Two teenagers indulging in sexual activities?" Some days my body shuts down and I feel like I can't breathe. I suffer from panic attacks. I have lost the will to live. I eat just enough to keep me alive and I lie on my bed at night, counting dreams and memories I used to love. Some days I wonder why I am still alive. I'm not afraid of dying. I really want to. One night, I was lying in bed and I just thought, "Screw this, I'm ending it!" But I did not move. Because that is what depression is. I would've killed myself there and then, but I was too damn depressed to even get out of bed. I did not have the will to even move. I feel really alone and I need help. I'm sorry if it was a waste of your time to read that; I tried to keep it short, but I opened a gate.