Well, as you may have guessed I'm suicidal. I've been reading posts here now for awhile, and I finally decided to join up so I could vent my suicidal feelings or maybe even lend some condolence or advice to someone else .
I want to tell people about my feelings, but I don't know how best to do that, so I'll just try and see how this goes (warning, this will be more of a biography than really "feeling letting"). I'm 16 years old and I hate my life and just about everyone else in it save for a few, that being my mother and my twin; the only ones who will ever truely care about me on this planet, that much I know. And I've been a complete and utter asshole to them all my life (#1 reason for wanting to die).
I've seen enough of the world and the people around me to know that no one really gives a shit about anyone else unless they have a huge amount of money, good looks, or are willing to have sex on the first date (#2). I've never really been good at school, and for that sole reason my father despises me like a starved dog tipping over his trashcan forcing him to pick up the mess (#3). You may argue that he really does love me but I'm just not seeing it, well consider this; does a dad who throws you to the ground, chokes you, calls you a "stupid motherfucker" and spits in your face on christmas morning all becuase you wanted to play your new Xbox for an hour longer really love you? I think not. I've also done some bad things in my life, bad things that I won't mention here or anywhere else, but I'm telling you I've done them(#4).
I'm so filled with hate that I can barely freaking stand, while I'm at school I'm constantly sighting out good positions to shoot students from if I ever aquired a good sniper rifle, or how I might quickly and effectively move from classroom to classroom methodically slaughtering students with homemade/storebought weapons and who I would target first, where to find them and when during the school day. How I might be able to hold off a police retaliation longe enough for me to kill a few more. Or how I could take hostages, what I would say to them, what I would do to them. And then I think about what effect it would have on everyone else and on their families and on my family. I'm constantly thinking about killing people, why, how and when. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to kill them becuase really I'm a nice person inside. But I feel like all that hate and frustration and remorse that I've bottled up for so long has gathered into one large mass inside my body. And now it has a mind of its own, and how it's slowly taking control of me as I try my hardest to resist it, only in time, to fail. I just want to die knowing that all those arrogant piece of shit assholes who've ever tried to screw with me got what was coming to them before I died
. That's why when I usually see a report of a school shooting on the news I say "they probably had it coming to them"(#5).
I also don't believe in God, my definition of the afterlife is far more bleak than that of a believer. I believe there is nothing after death, just a black abyss that you are unaware of entering or occupying. So of course I don't think there will be any reprocushines if I kill myself or a few other people along the way(#6).
Well, that's it. Not everything came out as well as I would have hoped and I'll probably go back through and edit some stuff ('speicially about the school shooting plot).
I want to tell people about my feelings, but I don't know how best to do that, so I'll just try and see how this goes (warning, this will be more of a biography than really "feeling letting"). I'm 16 years old and I hate my life and just about everyone else in it save for a few, that being my mother and my twin; the only ones who will ever truely care about me on this planet, that much I know. And I've been a complete and utter asshole to them all my life (#1 reason for wanting to die).
I've seen enough of the world and the people around me to know that no one really gives a shit about anyone else unless they have a huge amount of money, good looks, or are willing to have sex on the first date (#2). I've never really been good at school, and for that sole reason my father despises me like a starved dog tipping over his trashcan forcing him to pick up the mess (#3). You may argue that he really does love me but I'm just not seeing it, well consider this; does a dad who throws you to the ground, chokes you, calls you a "stupid motherfucker" and spits in your face on christmas morning all becuase you wanted to play your new Xbox for an hour longer really love you? I think not. I've also done some bad things in my life, bad things that I won't mention here or anywhere else, but I'm telling you I've done them(#4).
I'm so filled with hate that I can barely freaking stand, while I'm at school I'm constantly sighting out good positions to shoot students from if I ever aquired a good sniper rifle, or how I might quickly and effectively move from classroom to classroom methodically slaughtering students with homemade/storebought weapons and who I would target first, where to find them and when during the school day. How I might be able to hold off a police retaliation longe enough for me to kill a few more. Or how I could take hostages, what I would say to them, what I would do to them. And then I think about what effect it would have on everyone else and on their families and on my family. I'm constantly thinking about killing people, why, how and when. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to kill them becuase really I'm a nice person inside. But I feel like all that hate and frustration and remorse that I've bottled up for so long has gathered into one large mass inside my body. And now it has a mind of its own, and how it's slowly taking control of me as I try my hardest to resist it, only in time, to fail. I just want to die knowing that all those arrogant piece of shit assholes who've ever tried to screw with me got what was coming to them before I died
. That's why when I usually see a report of a school shooting on the news I say "they probably had it coming to them"(#5).I also don't believe in God, my definition of the afterlife is far more bleak than that of a believer. I believe there is nothing after death, just a black abyss that you are unaware of entering or occupying. So of course I don't think there will be any reprocushines if I kill myself or a few other people along the way(#6).
Well, that's it. Not everything came out as well as I would have hoped and I'll probably go back through and edit some stuff ('speicially about the school shooting plot).
Last edited by a moderator:
