Just another one.

Well, as you may have guessed I'm suicidal. I've been reading posts here now for awhile, and I finally decided to join up so I could vent my suicidal feelings or maybe even lend some condolence or advice to someone else .

I want to tell people about my feelings, but I don't know how best to do that, so I'll just try and see how this goes (warning, this will be more of a biography than really "feeling letting"). I'm 16 years old and I hate my life and just about everyone else in it save for a few, that being my mother and my twin; the only ones who will ever truely care about me on this planet, that much I know. And I've been a complete and utter asshole to them all my life (#1 reason for wanting to die).

I've seen enough of the world and the people around me to know that no one really gives a shit about anyone else unless they have a huge amount of money, good looks, or are willing to have sex on the first date (#2). I've never really been good at school, and for that sole reason my father despises me like a starved dog tipping over his trashcan forcing him to pick up the mess (#3). You may argue that he really does love me but I'm just not seeing it, well consider this; does a dad who throws you to the ground, chokes you, calls you a "stupid motherfucker" and spits in your face on christmas morning all becuase you wanted to play your new Xbox for an hour longer really love you? I think not. I've also done some bad things in my life, bad things that I won't mention here or anywhere else, but I'm telling you I've done them(#4).

I'm so filled with hate that I can barely freaking stand, while I'm at school I'm constantly sighting out good positions to shoot students from if I ever aquired a good sniper rifle, or how I might quickly and effectively move from classroom to classroom methodically slaughtering students with homemade/storebought weapons and who I would target first, where to find them and when during the school day. How I might be able to hold off a police retaliation longe enough for me to kill a few more. Or how I could take hostages, what I would say to them, what I would do to them. And then I think about what effect it would have on everyone else and on their families and on my family. I'm constantly thinking about killing people, why, how and when. I don't want to hurt people, I don't want to kill them becuase really I'm a nice person inside. But I feel like all that hate and frustration and remorse that I've bottled up for so long has gathered into one large mass inside my body. And now it has a mind of its own, and how it's slowly taking control of me as I try my hardest to resist it, only in time, to fail. I just want to die knowing that all those arrogant piece of shit assholes who've ever tried to screw with me got what was coming to them before I died . That's why when I usually see a report of a school shooting on the news I say "they probably had it coming to them"(#5).

I also don't believe in God, my definition of the afterlife is far more bleak than that of a believer. I believe there is nothing after death, just a black abyss that you are unaware of entering or occupying. So of course I don't think there will be any reprocushines if I kill myself or a few other people along the way(#6).

Well, that's it. Not everything came out as well as I would have hoped and I'll probably go back through and edit some stuff ('speicially about the school shooting plot).

 

Anamnesis.,

welcome to the site, Im glad you found us and i do hope we can help you get through this difficult time you are having.....wether you believe in God or not....killing innocent people and killing yourself is still wrong....we care about how people are doing here and your feelings are important and I value your honesty...please keep on writing to us...lean on us...thats what were here for....hope you can find hope .....be thinking of you....Jodi