Just another one.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by sirena, Apr 23, 2011.

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  1. sirena

    sirena New Member

    Hello. I realize that I am just another person on here who's experiencing these emotions... but I guess I just wanted to share my story with those who get it...

    I was always a pessimistic, anti social girl and it turned into some form of depression about two years ago. I'm in high school, so okay, go ahead and tell me that makes all of this insignificant. I'm so tired of hearing that my problems aren't real--that I should just be able to let go of them. Even though my general doctor thought it was, in fact, depression and not just being a teenager. My parents fucking hate each other but they can't divorce because we have so little money, so I suppose that drama triggered it. I used to cut every day.

    I got really messed up by this guy who I thought was my friend and more, but when he found out about the cutting he abandoned me. I seriously considered suicide for two months, never quite able to go through with it. I had decided on the pill method, but something happened just as I had made my decision: I made a new best friend; a different guy a few years older than me who understood what I was going through. He had attempted to hang himself when he was my age (two years younger) and was still dealing with emotional problems. We bonded, and were inseparable. I refused all the antidepressants pushed on me, because I was so high off of being with him. We fell in love... it was the perfect movie romance. It was the kind of love that you KNOW is real, that he's "the one." We lasted for a very long time, and I gave maybe a little too much of myself, physically, to him. We had so many plans for the future... I wrapped my whole life around him, until I had NOTHING else.

    One day, when he was going through some family troubles of his own, he began to not know how to deal with them and began pushing me away. I tried to help. I really did. I wrote him a two page letter asking what was really wrong, how I would always be there... He said he wasn't sure about "us" anymore, so I dumped him on the spot. I realized that mistake instantly but it was too late, and I feel so fucking guilty knowing that I hurt him. If he is to be believed, he still stays up crying every night "wanting to throw myself out the window." I asked for him back but he said I "murdered" everything we had. Now without the distraction of him... all the depression is flooding back. I'm going to wait three more days, and on the last I will call him and ask "is there anything left to tell me?" If not... well, I already have the xxx and note ready. I strongly believe that a person's fate can be fulfilled before old age, and I feel like I lost my place, where I was supposed to be. I don't see or want any other option, but I just figured I should vent for now... I'm sorry if I've wasted anyone's time, I'm sure I sound a bit pompous haha.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Apr 23, 2011
  2. dazzle11215

    dazzle11215 Staff Alumni

    hi, and welcome. i don't think being in high school makes your problems any less real. i really feel for you. i also started cutting when i was in high school as a way to get a handle on the overwhelming pain i was feeling.

    i know you are completely focused on your ex at the moment, but try and take a step back. the things you've lost, like other friends and interests, you can rebuild. you just have to be around to do it.

    you probably can't see that at the moment because you are in so much pain. if you are depressed on top of the heartbreak i'm sure it seems impossible. the anti depressants won't help with the breakup but they can make you less suicidal. give them a chance?

    i'm glad you found us. i hope you stick around and keep posting. you will find many people can relate to what you are going through.

    take care,

    c
     
  3. sirena

    sirena New Member

    Thank you. I am trying to find reasons to live or I wouldn't wait a few days... I'm seeing my family and a close friend within those days, and will still contact him. I don't know if any of that will change how I feel but maybe.
     
  4. Sapphire

    Sapphire Well-Known Member

    Life has a lot of cool things to offer. It'd be a shame if you ended your life. Plus you are needed by the people around you more than you might think.
     
  5. Forgotten_Man

    Forgotten_Man Well-Known Member

    Let me say that even though it hurts now the hurt will fade. Much like you I feel into a picture perfect relationship. I made several small mistakes like anyone would. In the end she decided that she would rather be with a guy who abuses her, but calls her his girlfriend, instead of me. Much like you I was devastated. I still have the suicide notes I wrote during that period of time.

    I got over her by focusing on myself. I will admit that is hard to do in high school. Find a goal of some kind. Something small and easy that you can accomplish. Sometimes we get too outwardly focused.

    During this portion of your life things happen and change so quickly. When I started high school I had no idea I would end up where I did when I was a senior. When I started college, I had no idea I would end up writing the core software for the schools summer camp.

    Remember, you feel this bad because you must have felt really good at one point in time. You can feel those emotions again. You have to give yourself a chance to feel them again though.
     
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