just another rant

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by isitme87, Jun 16, 2014.

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  1. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    I wish I could be able to just end this all. Why doing it is so hard. I am a complete waste of space. I am totally worthless as a person. I'm male 27, never in any relationship, dead-end job. I am so lonely, I am so shy that I haven't talked with anyone outside my family for few or more months. You see I am a farmer so I just keep working at ours place, dad is doing all those selling, taxes etc. I know that I am so useless. I am nobody. I wrote a rant some time ago. So I am still here. What else to write? I am lonely, very shy, worthless, stupid. And I think I'm a ******. Or it's just because I am so lonely. Never had friends. At least the ones who wouldn't laugh at me now and then. But that was at school. I am so different than others. I am just not like them. I don't know how to talk to people. One day I will have the courage to solve my problems and then I'd just <Mod Edit *music* Methods>. Nobody would ever notice somebody has gone. I shouldn't have been born.
     
  2. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Hi there, had to edit your post as it contained a suicide method.

    I am sorry you are so lonely and down on yourself, do you have neighbours you could talk to or cousins that you could go out for the night with and maybe meet new people. Or perhaps join a martial arts class or any class just to gain those social skills that you need.
     
  3. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    I am sorry - just forgot about that rule when I was writting it. Thanks for not deleting it right away.

    I got a really hard time talking to anyone or doing anything when someone watches - except for closest family. Idk, maybe I am being dramatic but I feel so low today. Idk why. Martial class thing is funny. With my belly it would be probably hilarious for others to see. i have no idea what to do. I don't think there is a solution to that problem. Nobody would want to spend time with me and I don't want to push anyone
     
  4. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    A lot of people have social anxiety problems, actually millions do and it is treatable. Have you spoken to a doctor about this? Assuming that you are over the age of 18 it would be completely confidential and they could also refer you to a psychologist. I had anxiety so bad years ago that I could not leave the house or open the curtains. I hid from the world all through my teenage years- a thing I regret immensely although it made me the strong person I am today. So you are probably wondering how I came out of it, it was actually joining this forum that helped and a member kept encouraging and encouraging daily until I got the doctor to visit my home, I was prescribed medication, a few types, one obviously worked but what really bit the bullet was seeing a private psychologist trained in sexual abuse, suicide intervention etc...

    Just posted that to see if you can relate to any of it and are willing to reach out more.
     
  5. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    wow, it sounds so scarry. I mean I would never do that. It's amazing that you did. I understand that you have lived in town/city. Idk how people could live over there. I used to for a while and had problems getting out of the block but as I started smoking I had to. Well if you had those anxiety issues that you realise how 'unsafe' doing this appears to me. Telling anyone, maybe I would have to meet somebody and talk about my private things (which are almost everything as I hate talking about myself or anything related to me). I can't do that. I don't even consider thinking about it even slightly seriously.

    To be honest I don't think I will ever commit suicide. Maybe in 10 or 20 years. I feel a bit better now so thanks :) It seems that getting out of safety zone is good sometimes:)
     
  6. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Even if you do not believe you will ever commit suicide, do you want to live the rest of your life in an anxious zone? At first, I didn't actually ''talk'' to the psychologist as such, I wrote down everything and she read it. I had a major issue at that time which will remain undisclosed, and that therapist fixed it for me permanently. That is all it took and I was back out in the real wold again actually living a life. Maybe writing down your feelings will help...and even if you don't show them to anyone, burn them and convince yourself those burned feelings are now gone. That's one of the tricks I learned in my sessions. :)
     
  7. isitme87

    isitme87 Member

    Well living in this 'anxious zone' wasn't my choice. This is who i am. If among people always silent, avoiding people. I have been this way whole my life. Anyway life is quite boring and I am not too good at it.

    As always it's the thing to do 'in the future' means never.

    Writing down things ... I used to do that. I wrote even something like poetry. I just stopped to care about all those things.
     
  8. Petal

    Petal SF dreamer Staff Alumni SF Supporter

    Well, just know that SF is always here for you shall you need our help/support/advice/comfort.... Best of luck to you my friend! x
     
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