I try to be happy... I really do. Just so fucking hard sometimes.. I am getting fleeting thoughts of suicide now. I sometimes wonder if it would make people feel better if I just died. I feel like I only make people feel bad. I only complain. I had a hard life. Yea. And I shouldn't put it all on that. I'm just fucked up. In a lot of ways I have so much knowledge, but in others I am completely clueless. It is as tho I never existed as a human being until recently. I only focused on facts about life. Never looked into music, sports, TV, or pop culture. I feel like I'm in the wrong time period a lot. I feel as though I'm never really secure. My feelings of secure, are being un-secure. :dunno: My life is always random. In chaos. I can never stick to anything. I cycle with everything in this like, love, avoid, hate .. I'm trying to break that cycle. I'm trying hard. Because I know that cycle only breaks my relationships. I'm trying hard to stick with this forum. But it's getting difficult. Right now, the only stability in my life is this forum and the people here. I eat at off times or when I can, I sleep at off times, I go out some days and not others. My apartment is a disaster zone. I'm happy one minute and sad the next. Motivated for short periods and others I just want to end my life. I wish I had some purpose. As a child I would continually tell myself that one day I would be important. That one day I would have a purpose. That I would change the world. It all sounds like a very exaggerated dream right now. The world is falling apart, and I don't really think there is anything I can do. I'm stuck at the bottom. Always have been here. Living as a child with little money for food, clothes, a roof over my head. Then foster care. And now here on my own, but still considered the bottom. I live in an apartment complex where everyone here is pretty much insane. They all do drugs or are in mental health programs. I've seen people die here on more then one occasion and have had to call emergency at least once. I feel trapped down at the bottom. I feel like the world is collapsing and either u will be on top or bottom. And the bottom will all fall dead. I guess I'm just saying I don't see a lot of hope in the world. And because I don't see a lot of hope in the world, I question if there is a reason to be in a world where things are becoming so broken. Where kindness doesn't hardly exist. Where everyone expects something physical in return. Where money and greed are behind motive. I feel so singled out. And I always have been. Singled out as a child with my disabled brother. Being the shortest. Being the quiet "loner." Being the "teachers pet." and avoided by everyone. I have lived alone all my life. Taken care of myself and others. And somehow I think I enjoy feeling alone at times. being alone can sometimes be my "safe zone" where no one can harm me. But at the same time, I crave to feel the attention I never got. But I guess it doesn't really matter. You read all this and it may all be non-sense to you. I feel alien. And some people have asked me if I am. I really don't know.. I guess I'm saying I'm just really depressed. I don't know what purpose I have in life. I sometimes wish I could die. But then I realize all the times I've tried and failed. And I guess I've kinda given up trying to kill myself. Never seemed to work..