just another suicidal thread.

Discussion in 'Suicidal Thoughts and Feelings' started by L108935, Jul 14, 2009.

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  1. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    I'm just another blade of grass in this field of dry, yellow grass. Oh wait, nevermind. I guess I'm the only yellow blade of grass, because everyone else seems to get what they need. Things just rain on them. They're all green, but all they do is ask for more stuff, more flowers around them. MORE sunlight.
    They all got their social lives and friends to hang out with. No matter how stupid some people seem to me, all the groups of friends just fit together and they seem to be okay with each other. So why isn't anyone okay with me?

    Days crawl by and nothing is done. I wake up, too tired to not be in a homicidal/suicidal mood, and I go to summer school, and I have no friends. It all seems to go downhill while my feet slip in the mud as I'm trying to run uphill. None of my "friends" really do anything with me. My best friend lives on the opposite side of the country. If she kills herself, I'm definitely killing myself as soon as I hear the news, but I doubt she'll kill herself. She's got such supporting friends where she lives.

    I haven't climbed a building in so long. I used to climb stores and schools in my area. All the time. I only got caught once (because I was being a loud dumbass with my friend) out of the countless (maybe a hundred?) times I've climbed. The rush of shamelessness and loss of guilty feelings was what made me climb. Might have been endorphins or something, but now I don't get that rush. I just think: I have no one to climb with me, so what's the point?

    I'm too tired of this loneliness. It doesn't seem worth living like this. Why should I live if my highs are not high anymore, and my lows are causing literal pain in my heart? Why is there no one around me to help me? Why are psychiatrists too expensive for my parents to take me to? Why does my "friend" tell me that she's gonna let me hang out with her and her friends, and that everything's gonna be better, and okay? Why does she not act on it? Why must weeks go by being alone, while it's summer, and she lives so close to me, and her friends live just a few miles away? Are they too out of shape to walk a few miles? And why is my damn airsoft gun having so many electrical problems? lol But why must I continue this nonsense? I'm not making any progress speaking like this. 50/50 chance I won't post this thread. *coin toss* okay whatever. *clicks "Submit New Thread"*
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    You do matter and i am sorry you are feeling so lonely. Have you seen your doctor re medication for social issues. and for depression. Suicidal ideation is a part of depression unforutunatley. I hope you can reach out to a coucillor in your school and talk to them about how your are feeling your doctor anyone that can get you help. The crisis line have great people to talk with I think hearing a real voice helps sometimes. I am glad your here because there are alot of people here to talk with take care and hang in there we all can relate really your not alone.
  3. ZombiePringle

    ZombiePringle Forum Buddy and Antiquities Friend

    Maybe you could find something else you enjoy? There is always little things that you need to search for that make life worth living.
  4. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    There's nothing left. I lied to the psychiatrists I've been to. Now, it's simply too expensive. I feel like death is just a lot cheaper. I just have no friends. I just wanna be with some friends. Either that, or I should climb a building for the last time. The highest part to ensure I get what I want.

    There's just no one there. I just don't have any comfort. I have nothing to live for. No one to live for. I am not needed. I can't stand this pain in my heart. When I know something bad is true, such as the worthlessness and hopelessness of my life, my heart hurts. It's just not fun to continue on like this.
    Last edited by a moderator: Jul 14, 2009
  5. max0718

    max0718 Well-Known Member

    Hey L,

    I'm sorry to hear that you're in this much pain! If you're not able to afford a psychiatrist or a psychologist, you have to make the best use of the other resources you have at your disposal. SF has definitely been a huge help for me and maybe it can be for you as well.

    I assume since you're not seeing a pdoc, you're not on any medication as well? You could buy St. John's Wort over the counter without prescription and see if that helps for you. It has been shown to help for depression (but it is meant for mild depression). Otherwise, you should really consider talking to your parents and tell them that you're in serious pain and that you really need to see a psychiatrist. Maybe they don't know how much pain you are in at the moment, because if you're anything like me, you've been trying to hide it as well.

    I know that exercise in itself can also be a very good anti-depressant and has worked very well for me in the past. But I know its so tough to even get to the gym, when you're feeling this low.

    Is there anything in particular that caused you to feel this way, or has it happened over a period of time?

  6. L108935

    L108935 Well-Known Member

    I've been having these periods of depression for about 2 and a half years. It switches on and off, depending on how people treat or don't treat me. I'm only 16, and I keep telling my mom that I must have borderline personality disorder. I've explained to her that it's consuming me by continually shifting my mind too often against my will, and that it should be treated as a disorder because it is not a fun mentality. I have hidden my signs of suicidal desires, and my parents would not take that well if I told them. My mom would tell everyone in my family about it (I got lots of relatives, many cousins in my age level) and things would get far too awkward.

    I do work out to get the endorphins in my brain to lift my mood/self-image up. It's just physically too hard sometimes, due to my lack of sleep with summer school going on and my obsessive mind at night.
  7. Remedy

    Remedy Chat & Forum Buddy

    Hey, I'm around the same age as you and I also had a two year period where I was very alone. Lost contact with friends because of anxiety and it made me realize how much I depend on other people to be happy. I thought it was hopeless but things are finally starting to get better. You've got to try new things, anything new that is remotely social.
    Feel free to PM anytime. :hug:
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