Just asking for a helping hand

Discussion in 'Help Me! I Need to Talk to Someone.' started by tarnishedpete, Feb 25, 2013.

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  1. tarnishedpete

    tarnishedpete New Member

    Hi there,

    My moods seem to go in cycles of up and down and I guess that's normal. But a few years ago the lows started getting pretty low and I tried a couple of suicide attempts. Which is harder than you'd think when you do it in a 'spur of the moment' way.

    So anyway, the weird self destructive phase has sprung up in my head again, after being away for so long. I feel a bit down, I crave attention from anywhere which gets lower and lower and has resulted in meeting men off the internet for sex. Disgusting, but they say really nice things to you, which is what I'm after I guess.

    I feel more jekyll and hyde than ever, and really want someone to have a magic answer that's going to make all the bad feelings go away. Which I suppose is why I'm here. It's weird, I know that no one has that answer, but I feel like that character from Mitchell and Webb (sorry; it's a tiny, weird UK show) who is like a newscaster and goes "Right. Is there a God? Yes or No. No debate! simple answer! Yes or No!" Can't someone just have the magic answer?

    Spent a fecking fortune at counselling, I'm a pretty good salesman, and just kind of figured out what he wanted to hear and gave it to him. One of my suicide attempts was while I was seeing him (drove a customers car head on into a barrier at about a ton) and I never even told him about it.

    Tried calling the Samaritans once and she said I should just have a nice walk. Hah! Which led me onto another hobby, which was a bit stupid and I do regret it even though it did make me feel a whole lot better at the time.

    I have a great life that people would be jealous of. Easy job, great wife, lovely kids, nice house in a really nice area. I don't know why I feel this way, but I know in a few weeks I'll be telling myself how much of a faliure I am and making solid plans to kill myself. Well, when I say solid, of course they are BS really as I'm still here, but you know what I mean.

    I'm asking for some kind of intervention so that I can get back on track and not do crazy self destructive things.

    Or I'm just an attention ***** who needs the whole world to be "the Peter Show!" pretty much all the time.

    Sorry this is so long, it's making me angry thinking about it all so I'm not going to edit, just going to post it.

    If you got this far; Thanks for listening!
     
  2. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    Hi hun NO you are not just attention seeking hun We understand depression and know how hard it is when one is so low hun. The thing with counsiling hun you are spending so much money and it won't help unless you are 100 percent up front with your therapist. How else can T help you hun unless one has all the information to do so. This place here hun it is a good place lots of kind people to talk to and who will listen without judging you hun Hugs to you
     
  3. flowers

    flowers Senior Member

    I want to second everything that Total Eclipse said. i think you presented yourself very well here. What you wrote made total sense. Not attention seeking at all. quite the opposite, as far as I am concerned. Genuine.

    Question for you. Are you ready to get into some kind of counselling or evaluation and be honest this time? I really hope you are. You sound like a great guy. And you deserve some relief from this. If you are honest, I really think that the right person can diagnose correctly. And then can prescribe the right med and also counselling. Things dont have to be this bad for you. Lots of very strong people take meds to get by.
     
  4. tarnishedpete

    tarnishedpete New Member

    hey thanks for the replies, they actually make me feel good. Someone out there is listening, you know? Well, of course you do, that's the point of the forum I guess!

    I am spiralling out of control a bit, I drove to a local 'dogging' spot, don't know why, it's like I'm watching this idiot on TV doing all these weird things, but can't stop watching. So anyway, this guy comes up to me and says that if I'm not there to buy then er... go away. You know what I mean. So I told him that he could go away instead and he went to hit me, missed and I, er, how can I say it, expressed my displeasure at him. Which was quite a rush. But ultimately I feel more disconnected from the world.

    I don't want to take meds, and I really can't afford £40 an hour for counselling. Just for me to end up saying stuff like 'I want to take all my negative energy and put it into something positive, like music!'. I mean seriously, he bought that crock of poo, there was no way he was going to actually help me.

    Sorry, am rambling again. I started on a positive note, so thankyou all for listening. It does help.
     
  5. total eclipse

    total eclipse SF Friend Staff Alumni

    It is good you are posting here hun letting go of those thoughts help to organize the brain sometimes I hope you do not go to that place again hun Keep yourself safe ok You keep talking to us because your right we do listen and we do care hugs
     
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